What you see below is the work of Tara.
Finally, someone gets how this thing works!
For real, though: the first and foremost thing we loved this episode?
- Tara. (Duh!)
What other girl could cancel a group date with just a flick of her spoon? As soon as Ochocinco saw this oatmeal-eating, he knew he had to take out Tara and her competitor, Katie…
Tara describes herself as “borderline hilarious,” and here’s why…
She isn’t afraid to mock Chad…
…or Katie, who describes herself as an athlete:
She has a greater awareness for the human condition of pool peeing…
“Things in the pool are getting a little bit hotter. Gosh, I hope it’s not pee!” she interviews. When lust is hard to discern from pee, you have either an overactive imagination or an overactive bladder. Either way, the potential for kink is outrageous.
Speaking of kink, Tara also makes fun of Chad’s USTREAM fetish…
“Hi, it’s me Chad Ochocinco from the other room. I’m here on USTREAM…” she mocks. Homegirl is taking this whole operation down from the inside.
In perhaps her most shining moment, Tara describes Katie’s born-again virginity as “pretty Donna Martin/90210.” I just hope that after leaving, Katie didn’t get drunk at her prom. I don’t trust this group of girls to mobilize effectively.
Tara tends to bring the weirdest…
…and worst (i.e. best for TV) out of people: her blatantly sarcastic comment that dry humping in the pool with Chad (even though I know what she means, isn’t “wet humping” more accurate?) was “so gross and disgusting” started a major argument…which brings us to our next point.
- Jasmine vs. Laurice.
If nothing else, the fight that broke out after Jasmine “exposed” (my, how I’ve missed that word on my VH1!) Tara to Chad blessed us with these magical gifs.
This next one is my favorite because in retaliation to Laurice calling Jasmine a “bitch,” Jasmine called her a bitch “to the 15th power” and bobbed like one of those drinking birds…
It’s behavior fit for Spencer Gifts if ever there were!
- The episode’s other fight.
After Lisa gets “blackout drunk” (not her words) and started flinging avocado around, some of her fellow drinkers take exception to her fruit flagrancy:
My favorite thing about this is that at this point, Lisa has to look down to see exactly what Rubi’s talking about:
Know thyself, Lisa.
My least favorite thing about this? It leads to the worst reality trope of recent years…
Drink-flinging. Remember the days when screaming in someone’s face, “I’m not here to make friends,” was all one needed to do to express rage? Things were simpler then.
My second favorite thing about this, though is:
She’s expressing the same kind of rage a reality star might after someone insults her child, except in this case, someone merely insulted the vessel in which her child was carried. The fuses, they are a-shortening.
Lisa’s a live wire, for sure, but that doesn’t mean she’s incapable of a great quote. In the beginning of the episode, she broke down bathroom-sharing like this:
“Tara thought that she could walk over to me after taking a piss and wash her pissy-ass hands on my knees and on my feet.” There’s so much going on there that it sounds like a religious rite. Lisa calls herself “Mussolini up in this motherf***er,” but she has at least a twist of the pope in there, too.
- The fact that Chad has a spiritualist.
Whatever that is! According to Tiphani, Miss Marney is “Mother Earth or something like that.” She seems more like some sort of hologram to me, asking questions like, “What does your visualization look like?”
Whatever, at least her appearance was worth it so that Chad could look at the girls in yoga gear and so that Jasmine could look at him looking at them and describe herself as a fat kid and him as cake.
Sometimes it’s the metaphors that keep everything afloat.
- Chad’s unique way with words.
“Girl, sit your ass down somewhere,” he said in response to Crystal’s complaining about the dress “he” gave her (she looked a gift horse in the seams). What, is “Child, please,” already passe?
(I kind of like Courtney’s response to Crystal’s complaining best, though — she accepts Crystal’s self-criticism, because, hello — a dress making your competitor look fat is exactly what you want on a dating show.)
Chad also said to Tara later, “I had a little deliberation with some of the ladies in the house and they feel to think that you think this is all a game, you think this is a joke.” The world can be divided into two halves: those who feel to think, and those who think to feel. At least we now know on which divide the Ochocinco girls fall.
- All this chastity going on.
As mentioned before, Katie’s born-again virginity (“I’m trying to live right, I’m not trying to almost live right”) at first seemed like something that was going to work in her favor (even though this is a reality show and that could never happen). But whatever, Chad even praised her for taking a stand.
He was less impressed with Crystal saying that she would not kiss on the first date.
But, again, this was after all the dress complaints so that probably tainted things, too. Crystal, it seems, doesn’t accept gifts whether they’re in the form of garments or mouth-born displays of affection. A hard nut to crack, that one.
- The eliminations.
So, Crystal went home mostly for her overall guardedness (or so we were told) and not necessarily for her anti-kissing point of view. Still, no big surprise there. And at least she left with her identity: “Honestly, no, because this is who I am, this is the person that I am. I don’t care what anybody thinks, basically.” That’s the spirit! I hope that it followed her throughout the airing of this show, as well. You’d be surprised how much people start caring what anybody thinks when that anybody is an anonymous commenter on the Internet.
Eliminating Katie over Tara was a bit of a surprise, if only because of the “exposure” attempt. Still, I’m happy — I’ll take Tara’s jokes over Katie’s any day.
Popsicle-stick humor at its least refined.
Katie, though, seemed relieved, realizing that her ideals don’t match with Chad’s:
“He’s not looking for love, he’s looking for love,” she explained in her exit interview. And then a lighting rig fell…
And if that’s not a sign that this reality show romance wasn’t meant to be, I don’t know what is.
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