Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch Recap – Episode 3 – Seven Things We Loved About The Show

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What you see below is the work of Tara.

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Finally, someone gets how this thing works!

For real, though: the first and foremost thing we loved this episode?

- Tara. (Duh!)

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What other girl could cancel a group date with just a flick of her spoon? As soon as Ochocinco saw this oatmeal-eating, he knew he had to take out Tara and her competitor, Katie…

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Tara describes herself as “borderline hilarious,” and here’s why…

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She isn’t afraid to mock Chad…

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…or Brad…

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…or Katie, who describes herself as an athlete:

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She has a greater awareness for the human condition of pool peeing…

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“Things in the pool are getting a little bit hotter. Gosh, I hope it’s not pee!” she interviews. When lust is hard to discern from pee, you have either an overactive imagination or an overactive bladder. Either way, the potential for kink is outrageous.

Speaking of kink, Tara also makes fun of Chad’s USTREAM fetish…

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“Hi, it’s me Chad Ochocinco from the other room. I’m here on USTREAM…” she mocks. Homegirl is taking this whole operation down from the inside.

In perhaps her most shining moment, Tara describes Katie’s born-again virginity as “pretty Donna Martin/90210.” I just hope that after leaving, Katie didn’t get drunk at her prom. I don’t trust this group of girls to mobilize effectively.

Tara tends to bring the weirdest…

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…and worst (i.e. best for TV) out of people: her blatantly sarcastic comment that dry humping in the pool with Chad (even though I know what she means, isn’t “wet humping” more accurate?) was “so gross and disgusting” started a major argument…which brings us to our next point.

- Jasmine vs. Laurice.

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If nothing else, the fight that broke out after Jasmine “exposed” (my, how I’ve missed that word on my VH1!) Tara to Chad blessed us with these magical gifs.

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This next one is my favorite because in retaliation to Laurice calling Jasmine a “bitch,” Jasmine called her a bitch “to the 15th power” and bobbed like one of those drinking birds

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It’s behavior fit for Spencer Gifts if ever there were!

- The episode’s other fight.

After Lisa gets “blackout drunk” (not her words) and started flinging avocado around, some of her fellow drinkers take exception to her fruit flagrancy:

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My favorite thing about this is that at this point, Lisa has to look down to see exactly what Rubi’s talking about:

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Know thyself, Lisa.

My least favorite thing about this? It leads to the worst reality trope of recent years…

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Drink-flinging. Remember the days when screaming in someone’s face, “I’m not here to make friends,” was all one needed to do to express rage? Things were simpler then.

My second favorite thing about this, though is:

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She’s expressing the same kind of rage a reality star might after someone insults her child, except in this case, someone merely insulted the vessel in which her child was carried. The fuses, they are a-shortening.

Lisa’s a live wire, for sure, but that doesn’t mean she’s incapable of a great quote. In the beginning of the episode, she broke down bathroom-sharing like this:

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“Tara thought that she could walk over to me after taking a piss and wash her pissy-ass hands on my knees and on my feet.” There’s so much going on there that it sounds like a religious rite. Lisa calls herself “Mussolini up in this motherf***er,” but she has at least a twist of the pope in there, too.

- The fact that Chad has a spiritualist.

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Whatever that is! According to Tiphani, Miss Marney is “Mother Earth or something like that.” She seems more like some sort of hologram to me, asking questions like, “What does your visualization look like?”

Whatever, at least her appearance was worth it so that Chad could look at the girls in yoga gear and so that Jasmine could look at him looking at them and describe herself as a fat kid and him as cake.

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Sometimes it’s the metaphors that keep everything afloat.

- Chad’s unique way with words.

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“Girl, sit your ass down somewhere,” he said in response to Crystal’s complaining about the dress “he” gave her (she looked a gift horse in the seams). What, is “Child, please,” already passe?

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(I kind of like Courtney’s response to Crystal’s complaining best, though — she accepts Crystal’s self-criticism, because, hello — a dress making your competitor look fat is exactly what you want on a dating show.)

Chad also said to Tara later, “I had a little deliberation with some of the ladies in the house and they feel to think that you think this is all a game, you think this is a joke.” The world can be divided into two halves: those who feel to think, and those who think to feel. At least we now know on which divide the Ochocinco girls fall.

- All this chastity going on.

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As mentioned before, Katie’s born-again virginity (“I’m trying to live right, I’m not trying to almost live right”) at first seemed like something that was going to work in her favor (even though this is a reality show and that could never happen). But whatever, Chad even praised her for taking a stand.

He was less impressed with Crystal saying that she would not kiss on the first date.

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But, again, this was after all the dress complaints so that probably tainted things, too. Crystal, it seems, doesn’t accept gifts whether they’re in the form of garments or mouth-born displays of affection. A hard nut to crack, that one.

- The eliminations.

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So, Crystal went home mostly for her overall guardedness (or so we were told) and not necessarily for her anti-kissing point of view. Still, no big surprise there. And at least she left with her identity: “Honestly, no, because this is who I am, this is the person that I am. I don’t care what anybody thinks, basically.” That’s the spirit! I hope that it followed her throughout the airing of this show, as well. You’d be surprised how much people start caring what anybody thinks when that anybody is an anonymous commenter on the Internet.

Eliminating Katie over Tara was a bit of a surprise, if only because of the “exposure” attempt. Still, I’m happy — I’ll take Tara’s jokes over Katie’s any day.

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Popsicle-stick humor at its least refined.

Katie, though, seemed relieved, realizing that her ideals don’t match with Chad’s:

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“He’s not looking for love, he’s looking for love,” she explained in her exit interview. And then a lighting rig fell…

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And if that’s not a sign that this reality show romance wasn’t meant to be, I don’t know what is.

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  1. Steupz says:

    What is wrong with the video on this show?

  2. Ken says:

    Both Courtney and Crystal looked stunning in their dress. Courtney is down to earth but, Crystal is extremely over critical of just about everything during this date. I’d have to let her go as well. I would love to see more of Courtney’s personality shine through. Tara is somewhat of a double edge sword. On one hand, she is beautiful yet funny and on the other hand, downright nasty. This combination could ruin her in the end. I personally would have eliminated Tara just to send a message to the other ladies. Chad chose to keep her in order to send the same message. She won’t get a second chance. I don’t feel that Katie really wanted to be on the show so, off she goes.

  3. smdb says:

    i hate hate hate hate tara. i’m glad al pacino’s female twin [crystal] in looks AND age is gone. i hate hate hate hate lisa. i wish katie would have had more self confidence cuz she is definitely beautiful and sexy to me. she looks like charlize theron with those eyes too. kourtney seems like a gold digger to me [like most of em], but she has great eyes as well. jasmine is on/off for me. she’s funny but kind of annoying as well.

  4. Toni says:

    What’s the matter, he can’t find love with the TV camera on him 24/7, he really needs TV Reality Show to help him to find love, really?!? I thought he was all that and he’s 32 years old, what’s the matter he is not man enough to find love on his own he has to go on TV and look for little girls who wears lots of makeup and act like little girls who doesn’t know how to act in front of adults, is that the kind of females he wants, really? This is just more of an excuse for this old man, 32 years old, supposedly a man searching for love on TV, but really a dude who can now be in the arms of these girls kissing them all over, touching them all over, telling them stupid lies and promises that he knows he is not keeping, but all for the show, right? This is all he is doing it for, that is not being a man. He will find love, so he says, and he will pick one and then soon probably after 6 to 9 months you will all see that he won’t be with the person because he knows it wasn’t going to last, this is all for publicity for him, for the money, so he can get more money in his pockets, that’s all. The show is full of it, no one really gets hooked up for real only for a moment and then that’s it over and done with. With the little girls he chose goes to prove that he is not a full developed man, he’s picking little blonde girls that will let him do whatever to them, that’s all. He is not picking a good smart woman that can handle a man on the road all the time, a woman who knows how to keep house in a way that is respectable, the girls you all see on the show will not do it nor keep it that way, they are too lazy. Notice how he gets girls who are very young, girls that should be on their own thinking of their career, of their lives on how they are going to progress in society, not bow tow to a boy who thinks he is a man. Sorry, but a 32 year old man would not go on a show to find love, real love, sorry, but Ochocinco is full of `)#~&~&_##)^!(_~ he’s nothing I don’t find anything interesting about him, but thinking he has all the entitlement, he’s so full of `)#~&~&_##)^!(_~ sorry but that is how I feel, a real man don’t need an audience to find love, he’s a joke.

  5. kt says:

    Crystal is going bald u can really see it when they are doing yoga and sitting in the circle.

  6. Sheryl says:

    Tiphany reminds me of Kendra Wilkinson when she talks to the camers and I liked her until she ran and told Chad that Courtney wanted to go home. Not cool! She lost everything with me, wish he would have kicked her out right then.
    Tara acted stupid during the fishing and I don’t like the fact she finds the weakness in others and preys on it yet, on the flip side she is perfect for the show because she is funny. My favorite part was when she told the girl who don’t trust men she was weak then licked her cone and said Ruby wants a record deal. It was quite hilarious. It makes me think she was planted to add drama to the show. I don’t think she is partner material but he could have fun with her, no doubt.

  7. shante says:

    i thiink tara iis fake and not even into you