Look who got all dressed up this week!
Aw! For us? She shouldn’t have!
The first thing we loved about this week’s show?
- Tara, as usual.
Moving things from Los Angeles to Cincinnati, where he was at mini-camp, Chad continued the shifting around by taking girls from the hotel they were staying at (the Marriott) to a decidedly swanker suite where he was staying (the Cincinnatian). If you find yourself forgetting who the star is, why just check out the quality of the different hotel rooms.
Really, it’s easy to make such a mistake because Tara keeps stealing the show. Her first order of business with Chad was to hit the Jacuzzi…
There it is:
Peek-a-boo, we see more of you!
On stepping into the tub, Tara reported…
…”Dipping my toe into the hot tub was honestly like dipping my toe into the face of the sun.” And then, once inside, she reported…
“My vagina’s on fire!” Chad smiled and looked away embarrassed, as if this were a condition she should have refrained from sharing. Please. If hot water gets her to the freak-in-heat level, imagine what acts on, to use a phrase of Rubi’s, “that sensual level” could do!
Tara went on to dabble in the taboo racialism she sometimes does, rubbing Chad down and calling him “hot chocolate.”
He asked if that made her whipped cream, but she was more eager to embrace the title of “spoiled milk.” Waaaah-waaaaaah.
Chad lightly admonished her in interview for not taking this bath seriously enough. It’s a bath, not an accounting class, you know? If only Chad would realize that what’s good for his show is good for him. Stick around Tara and she’ll make you infinitely entertaining, or at least pick up your slack. At least, that’s what her performance on this show so far indicates.
That’s her reacting to Brittany’s football Q&A during a lunch that followed her comedic bath hour.
As Brittany asked Chad about the size of his play book (not a euphemism), Tara mugged incessantly and asked if her opponent worked for ESPN. If she can’t be your foil, Tara’ll make you hers. What’s not to love?
Tara also plays a big role in the next thing we loved about this episode…
- Dr. Walker.
How weird was it to bring in a sports psychologist (who’s at least, a real doctor, according to the Internet!) to shrink them? She seemed nice and not damaging, so that was good, but what could she have gathered in this one session that story producers didn’t in the weeks since this show started taping? It’s not like these reality stars aren’t given license to open up and unleash at will every second of every day, anyway.
And what did she uncover? Why, things we already knew, or could have discovered by looking at a resume. Rubi is naive, Tiphani is mobile on account of running her own booking agency, Brittany has a son and is a Pisces and Tara is irreverent has hell. Tara asked if Dr. Walker had a straitjacket for her, jokingly said her family died, said her ex was really good at Guitar Hero when asked if she ever dated an athlete and delivered the best line of the show so far: “People with cats kind of creep me out.” “Tara Banks,” you’ve been replaced by Tara Tara.
All of this is to say that giving Tara the chance to talk is giving Tara the chance to entertain. Again: tell us something we don’t know or need a medical degree to discern.
Speaking of entertaining! During her alone time with Chad in his suite, Brittany told him she had cookies for him and then whipped this up:
“This is what I bake cookies in,” she said. I think she means “cookies” in the Jersey Shore sense of the word, right?
But hey look…
All of her hard work (not) in the kitchen paid off!
- Chad’s ability to harness nature.
Rubi wondered if Chad had “hired” the lightning bugs that illuminated their one-on-one date in a park. But even if he had nothing to do with the fauna, at least we can say that he owned the flora, rocking a flower in his “hair”…
Call this dude Vitamin, ’cause right about now, he looks like nature’s finest.
- Hard-drinking Tiphani.
Tiphani’s shot-pounding reminded us of the halcyon days of Rock of Love, and the first VH1 Tiffany we fell in love with. And threaten us with a good time is all Tiphani did, as she swayed gently, kissed Chad in front of Rubi…
…and that’s about it. How strange was it to see someone on VH1 who could actually hold their liquor?
Back at the suite, she described her surroundings as “looking like the cover of a Fabio novel.”
And though no bodices were ripped, things did get fruity and steamy…
(Although the amount of times open-mouthed kissing on the girls’ part is met with closed-mouth kissing on Chad’s part is starting to get problematic in that it is completely and utterly noticeable.)
- Making a production out of production.
Chad ended up “interrupting” 51 Minds mastermind Mark Cronin to steal a look at Tara’s psych evaluation. It’s always fun when we get to go behind the scenes in an obviously, completely candid, not-at-all expected kind of way.
The reality of reality TV is that if you so choose, you get to hear what people have said about you when you’re not in the room. Who wouldn’t want to live like that?
- No elimination!
The same four women who walked into Paul Brown Stadium are the same four women who walked out, proving that the big to-do about Dr. Walker’s visit was all for naught. Chad admonished Tara’s irreverence (this time to her face!), telling her, “You walkin’ on eggshells.” (Actually, she’s skating on thin ice — walking on eggshells would require effort on Tara’s part. Let’s just all agree that above all else, she’s pushing the envelope, K?)
The best part of the entire elimination, besides Tara’s amazing apparel joke…
…is when he showed her footage of herself being evaluated…
…and she laughed.
The girl redefines shamelessness and it works. In the end, Chad kept her around because, “I have to see where these feelings lead.” More than a few viewers at this point know exactly what this guy is talking about.
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