Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch Recap – Episode 9 – One Thing We Did Not Love About The Show

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This about sums up our level of disgust.

Guys, Tara is gone. Take a few minutes and let that sink in. It’s OK. I’ll wait.

It’s maybe not so big of a surprise that Tara couldn’t get with the program, as it were, and be serious (whatever that means) and I guess cease to entertain. Her unwillingness to break the wisecracking, un-PC character that she presented from the jump did lead to her loss (if we’re allowed to look at this show as a competition, which I don’t know if we are since it’s supposed to be So. SERIOUS.), but it’s also something of a victory for her: she refused to change for anyone and so she left on her terms. Either she was too committed to her role or too set in her natural ways to stay, but either way, this kind of consistency isn’t so common on reality TV.

Ahem.

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That’s not to say that Tiphani was wrong, as strategy is strategy and sometimes you really have to put effort into getting and keeping your man, regardless of the presence of cameras. Brittany, for example, announced, “I put my son on hold,” to come onto this show. That’s devotion that some could certainly argue is misplaced. In contrast, the same sort of issue doesn’t come up about Tara, who in her own jokey and “non-serious” way, was a straight-shooter.

When Chad assembled his friends and family for what soon announced itself as a “wife beater party” (a comment on the clothing — we don’t have a clue regarding these people’s martial statuses)…

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…one of the party games they played was Pin the Blame on the Banshee. They were asked which was the “most hated,” a question guaranteed to unleash shrieking and clawing, if ever there were. After a pregnant pause, the girls called out Tara (since, objectively: duh!), who only proved their point…hilariously! Everyone won! “I’m the least liked by you f***ing idiots!” was Tara’s strongest response. It’s-not-me-it’s-you is always a great way of rationalizing a situation, after all. When Brittany called her a joke, Tara snapped back, “Don’t be a d***,” always a funny thing to call a vagina-haver. After Brittany called out Tara’s tuxedo-shirt elimination attire, Tara responded, “You wear booty shorts and a stripper shirt!” Tellingly, Rubi explained, “You’re the least-liked because we don’t understand you…” Isn’t that always the way it is, though? Really, can’t dislike always be boiled down to ignorance and misunderstanding? As wrongheaded as that sentiment may be, points for clarity. Tara’s response, however, was nothing close to being in the name of understanding: “Shut the f*** up!”

Ultimately, Tara explained, “I may be mean but I’m funny and funny always wins.” She’s wrong (witness her dismissal later in the episode), but ultimately so, so right.

By the way, her final conversation with Chad was just as steadfastly Tara as ever. “I thought you were going to get rid of Brittany. She looks like Sean Penn,” she said about last week’s elimination. On the same topic, Chad said, her behavior there really bothered him: “I should’ve got rid of you that night, but it’s like no way in hell I’m letting you go. But it’s still the same Tara, and I’m still not getting what I’m looking for. I feel like it’s been long enough for that serious side come out.” Her response was glib as ever: “Yeah, we’ve been out here for, like, seven minutes, so…” Ha! At that, he dismissed her telling her that this isn’t what she’s looking for. Her response? A chipper, “OK!”

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“I’ll pray for you,” she told Chad, not without condescension. Still, in the end she chalked it up like this: “He’s not what I’m looking for, nor am I what he’s looking for.” “Nor.” Very impressive. “I sort of wish him the best,” she continued. “Sort of,” ha! “And I wish Rubi and Brittany herpes, gonorrhea and chlamydia and syphilis.” All treatable conditions, I see: she doesn’t want to inflict permanent pain, just temporary discomfort. That was her objective on this show all along, I guess. Goal attained. Let’s give it up for Tara.

Chad announced to the remaining women (previously referred to by Tara as “a bunch of UFC banshees”), “I eliminated Tara. I had enough of the silly games.” He’s only got the time for non-silly games like football and reality dating shows. Meanwhile, those girls had gone out to eat with Chad’s mom, who walked in unannounced and totally confused Rubi who politely acted like she knew who she was…

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When they figured it out, Chad’s mom told them she’d be taking them out to dinner for a little grilling session (note: that’s not to say that they had barbecue). Brittany, however, stayed behind, as she was sick. She was glad to be in a condition that found her throwing up “like violently, seven times,” instead of meeting with Chad’s mom. In fact, everyone seemed dismayed that they had to meet with her. So much for keeping up appearances regarding the woman who, in the tiniest of chances, could be their future mother-in-law!

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Maybe they were right to be afraid. Mom asked them things like, “What kind of person are you?” “What is it you like about him?” and “What can you bring to the table?” In Rubi’s case, the table is literal and she brings food and spotlessness: she cooks, cleans and takes care of kids. Hopefully she’s at least artful about it, though. Mom also said accusingly, “You don’t even know him!” She also somewhat strangely criticized Rubi’s dress for being provocative, male-attention grabbing and possibly leading to infidelity.

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Is that really how it happens? Can you trace the breakup of some marriages back to cleavage? Is there a boob-erfly effect brought on by anything less than a turtleneck? When dinner was over, Mamacinco told Tiphani and Rubi, “It was enjoyable and good luck.” That’s charitable. Briefing Chad, she said she thinks Tiphani can’t handle Chad’s kids and that while Rubi’s “a little bit older,” her dress style is “floozy-like.” Floozy! You can’t really hold something against someone when it’s said using such a funny word! Mamacinco joins the pantheon of strict, somewhat eccentric moms of reality stars that VH1 loves to host. She’s sitting on a star, looking down and judging you.

In the end, Chad was pained.

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See? Pained. Brittany was already advancing, thanks to Tara’s early dismissal, so he had to choose between Tiphani and Rubi. Tiphini’s too young for him, but Rubi’s too na├»ve for his lifestyle. In the end, he said he was going with his heart and kissed Tiphani goodbye.

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“Chad made a huge mistake, so it hurts. It really hurts a lot,” said Tiphani upon leaving. After spending time on reality TV, it’s at least reassuring that she can still feel.

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