Money Hungry Recap – Episode 5 – Cookie Push

In this episode Cookie Monster gets a modern update…

…with sexy results!

We begin with a pep talk from Joe, which is slightly ominous given its source. He tells Grading Curves not to fret about their dwindling alliance because “the bottom line is, yous are here.” Then he whacks Missy and Tricia on the butt with his gondola paddle and says, “Now yous get outta here!”

We’re given a recap of who’s allied with whom and a reminder that Susan Atkins is nowhere to be found among them (RIP!)…

Marliu isn’t so worried about the unbalanced numbers, since her alliance (especially her team, Chicago Deep Dish) has been working out everyday. Meanwhile, Phillip’s philosophy goes something like, “I don’t have to work out, so I’m gonna live it up.” This involves lounging in a pool.

But to be fair, it does seem that he’s putting some effort and strain into his lounging. He’s basically doing yoga.

Meanwhile, Josh has a crush! A new one!

First we’re treated to vintage footage of Josh’s beloved Jamie singing her “With one look…” song in sepia tones and slow-mo, and then we’re brought to Oz via Stephanie, who Josh says is “just gorgeous” and “not even by fat-house standards.” OK, I’ll say it for her: Uh, thanks, I guess? “I know this makes me sound dorky, but I make it a point to sit by her whenever I can,” Josh tells us in confessional. Dorky maybe, but creepy certainly, since you’re telling us in a stage whisper that feels like it could turn to deafening white noise at any moment.

Josh and Stephanie talk about dry chicken. That, people, is what I call vibing. Melissa, Josh’s teammate with a supposed crush on him, sits down ruining both the vibe and the vibing.

She seems just as unhappy about that as everyone. Josh continues in his frightening confessional whisper: “I’ve never had a problem with girls. I think I’m one of the cutest guys in the house.” Well, pin a rose on your nose. Oh no, wait. Don’t. It might make you less cute. “Women complicate things,” Josh goes on to explain. “I wish this house were full of ugly women.” Regardless what you think of Josh’s eliminated-girl-to-the-next-girl philosophy, it’s nice that a house full of overweight women isn’t dismissed outright and even more, is considered stacked (and I mean stacked) with options. At the very least, that’s something you don’t see on TV everyday.

The big beautiful women and the men who drool over them are shipped to their next challenge location:

No, that’s not the Snooki. She spells her name without the “E,” because it would be too long and thus unpronounceable. Dan is tickled to be hosting here.

He looks like a kid in a cookie store. No one knows what’s going on at first, of course, since what would these shows be without wild speculation just before the contestants are informed what they have to do? “Maybe we’re gonna design our own cookie and not eat it,” says Mark. Ha, that’s too cruel even by VH1 standards. Georgette wonders, “What the crap?” since they haven’t had sugar in weeks. Georgette, it’s not crap — it’s chocolate.

Dan takes them in the back and explains the challenge: each team will be presented a tray of cookies and each member will have the role as either an eater or a holder. When the clock starts, the eater must hold the tray of a dozen cookies, each sitting on 1.25 lb. plates (for a grand total of a 15 lb. tray).

Before that, though, the eater can opt to eat as many or as few cookies on the tray as he or she wants, potentially lightening the load for the holder. The person who holds the tray for the longest period of time wins Big Heavies status for his or her team. Throwing a wrench into the whole thing is the fact that there will be no house vote this week — the team with the lowest percentage of weight lost gets thrown off, no questions asked.

On hearing the challenge instructions, Jackie says, “I was thinking, “Oh s*** we have to eat cookies!” She sounds dismayed. Her partner Kaitlin jumps in with, “And I’m thinking, “Oh s***! We’re eating cookies!” She sounds jubilant. It is Jackie, however, who turns out to be the Slenderellas’ eater…

…which just underscores the teasing aspect of this challenge. It wouldn’t be VH1 if it weren’t at least sprinkled with sadism.

Anyway, the Slenderellas are among the few who take those tempting, immediately helpful/potentially hurtful bites…

Po houses all 12, though, which makes Dave “proud.” “There’s no way I could eat 12 cookies!” he adds with what sounds like admiration.

Because, after all, a champion eater is still a champion.

Anyway, the game begins.

And it, uh, pretty much stays right there.

Soon, Georgette becomes cross at Tammy for not eating any cookies. Her exact words are, “I want to stab her right now!” It’s hard to tell if it’s the competition or the cookie-craving that’s doing the talking. Same thing. She throws her tray, making Double Chocolate the first team that’s out. Grading Curves, Chicago Deep Dish, Flabulous…

…and the Slenderellas soon follow.

Some more time passes (you’d be amazed at how it doesn’t fly when you’re watching people holding things while standing in place!)…

…and some heckling between Joe and Josh breaks out, with Joe encouraging Josh to drop the tray. Josh is resistant but Joe’s call is dead-on…

…his struggle becomes more evident, and just when someone calls out, “Just think, you’re gonna get a kiss from Mo after this” (in encouragement?), Josh drops his tray. Regulators and Mission Slimpossible are the only teams left standing.

At this point, Po feels a rumble in his stomach and retires outside to vomit up the dozen of cookies he ate.

We later find out that the cookies he consumed amounted to 3,600 calories. The fact that he puked most of them up really worked out for his team! I’m not advocating anything (just say no to eating disorders, kids!), but at least his vomit goes toward the Regulators’ cause. Vomit that means something is better than the normal, frivolous variety.

Even more time passes…

…and finally Joe’s arms give out and Regulators emerge victorious. Joe seems particularly broken up about this.

Mark says maybe if he was 350 lbs, he could have eaten 12 cookies. “They’re twice the size of us so they eat twice the amount of cookies I was able to eat,” he adds. Is he really trying to say that he weighs 175 lbs.?

At home, the conversation turns from cookies to nookie, as Po and Dave attempt to give Josh tips on wooing women. I thought he always did fine with the ladies because he’s so cute? With that kind of confidence, he should seriously have no problem. But in that case, we wouldn’t get to see Po and Dave in such a playful situation. Or maybe we would anyway eventually. I don’t know.

Among the advice Dave gives Josh is, “All girls like to be picked up off their feet because they like to feel small.” Something tells me that Dave dates a lot of big beautiful women. Something also tells me that his back goes out a lot. Dave also suggests touching Stephanie to pass his energy to her. And not, I guess, to suggest that he’d like to touch her elsewhere with something else. One bit of advice that Dave does not give Josh is, “Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds girls of being naked, and then they think of sex.” I guess we won’t get to see Josh in a spaghetti-strap tank top anytime soon, then.

Everyone gets a note that their next workout will be on the beach.

Many of them enjoy this.

Others do not.

Phillip frets about getting sand in his fat rolls. This show is cultural in that it’s continually introducing body issues I never had even considered. Body issues are practically culture defined. We’re reminded a few times about the stress of there being no vote this week. This only increases the importance of the immunity the Regulators can grant as a result of them winning Big Heavies.

Before we get to an examination of the aforementioned importance, we focus back on Josh’s love…thing. Instead of touching Stephanie like a creep or picking her up like a weirdo, he opts for flowers. However, he’s afraid that doing so will cause a rift in his team. He asks Melissa if she’d be mad if he sent another girl flowers and her terse response is, “Find out.” Ha, Melissa’s no-nonsense approach to the matter is extremely attractive. Interesting that Josh does not find it to be so. Regardless, Melissa has shamed him.

“I’m not jealous that it’s not me, but if he sends flowers to her, there will be a war,” explains Melissa in the confessional. Her words are not so believable, but then again, she could have pollen allergies. “We’re here to win, we’re here to lose weight, we’re not here to date!” she adds. Tell that to the producers! And if Melissa ends up making friends, she’s going to seem like such a hypocrite.

The Regulators call a meeting to discuss the issue of immunity as it applies to this week’s elimination. Everyone kind of tiptoes around how safe they feel in the competition versus their desire to stay, whereas Phillip keeps it blunt (his words) and says he wants immunity.

Phillip couldn’t be more blunt if we were smoking an actual blunt. His name is no mere coincidence.

The next day, the begging begins. Phillip gives a stern plea by way of a good morning, while Josh throws Melissa’s eating and slacking under the bus.

Meanwhile, we see Chicago Deep Dish working their asses off, which isn’t at all foreshadowing (yes it is).

Then, the doorbell.

Josh opens it to find the flowers that he talked about ordering have now been made a reality. And just when it looks like No Excuses are about to embark on a War of the Tulips (I wonder if the Money Hungry house has a chandelier?)…

…it turns out that the flowers are for Melissa. Aw! It’s so sweet! She’s really so happy!

Josh isn’t switching gears entirely — he explains that he’s trying to “explore one option without rocking the boat with my partner.” Or without rocking the van, too. Come a-knockin’, and behold their platonic love! It only complicates matters that while Josh is in the process of his floral goodwill gesture, Stephanie shouts, “I want someone to give me flowers, too!” You know that kills him a little. Every tulip has its torn, I guess.

More begging takes place. Joe approaches Dave, I suppose hoping that third time will be a charm, since the two episodes before this have featured Dave ignoring whatever deal or suggestions Mission Slimpossible has presented. And, like, being yell-y about it.

You’ll be shocked to find out that Joe thinks Slimpossible should be granted immunity. He frames his argument with, “If we keep getting voted in, I think we’re gonna start taking down a lot of people in your alliance.” That’s a bridge to cross when they come to it, if ever there were.

Dave doesn’t listen this time, either. The show kind of stretches out the immunity process (to make up for the lack of suspense due to the suspended voting?): instead of just having Po and Dave reveal who gets immunity while the group is all together in the living room, Dan has them write it down.

It turns out…

…they chose no one. Today’s secret word is, “Fuuuuuuuu…” Dave and Po explain that this is to show everyone that they need to stay on point. Obviously, everyone will be sure to heed the advice of the two most recent people that they collectively resent.

Weigh-ins!

Regulators

No Excuses

Slenderellas

Grading Curves

Double Chocolate

Mission Slimpossible

Flabulous

Flabulous look poised to go home, but then, the hardest working women on reality TV this week, Chicago Deep Dish, are weighed and…

…all that work for naught. Well, not naught, but a measly 2 lbs. They’re going home. Bridget says this is “messed up.”

“We worked hard to be here,” she explains. “I have two jobs. This is my savings. I don’t own a car. This is my money I lost myself, you know?” Well, that’s depressing. But two things help uplift this tragic end:

…Marliu’s helpful words of consolation and…

…a renewed hope via a shared confessional between Josh and Stephanie. Their relationship is literally budding.

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