This week’s Real and Chance: The Legend Hunters sought to find Hogasaurus, a giant pig-boar roaming southern forests. Since little pigs are to Hogasuarus what sea lions are to sharks, apparently, the boys trained to shoot darts into a giant hog by attempting to catch and move very little hogs. The fake-outs these pigs proved capable of showed that this was a meeting of the minds…at least.
The hogs run so well, I’d love to give them the reigns of this episode rundown, but their hooves provided a detrimental obstacle. Instead you have me. :(
This week’s hunted legend: Hogasaurus, a pig/wild boar cross-breed that is estimated to measure 7 feet in length and weigh 800 lbs. To put it into perspective, he’s bigger than the comprably legendary (and caught and killed!) Hogzilla:
Where: Union Springs, Alabama
Risks: As one pig expert says: “He’ll get ‘cha.” That’s all the ominousness you need, right? If not, there’s also: getting one’s leg taken off, being deceived by a piglet, getting chewed up by a pig like the hunting dog, Sadie, getting killed, taken down and shredded up, moonshine poisoning and being scared to death by a bullfrog.
Choice quotes from Real and Chance:
Real: I didn’t come here for no damn Marmaduke. I came here for Hogasaurus.
Real: My Alabama butt hurt.
Real (on pigs): Damn, they smell like ass.
Chance (on grabbing pigs): Let me ask a quick question. If I grab one of ‘em, will he call the others for help?
Chance: These are gangsta pigs!
Real: If that little 14-year-old boy can catch a Hogzilla, I may not be much taller than Prince, but damn it, I can catch it.
Real: Can we get a tranquilizer just in case Yeti comes and knocks on our door at night?
Chance: What’s the difference between a damn pig’s ass and my balls?
Chance: You sure it’s not a brontosaurus?
Chance: I can finally show you where I’m from, why the call me the ass-capper: ’cause I’ll put a hole in your ass.
Real: And I got it in his ass.
Steve Maxwell, pig (/anatomy?) expert: That ain’t in his ass…
Real: Well you know what I mean: inside of him.
Chance: How do I look?
Real: You look stupid.
Real: That’s what I need! Face gear!
Chance: You got some, uh, camouflage skinny jeans? Well, just give me the smallest, tightest pair of pants you got.
Chance: I’m ready to get in this boar’s butt.
Chance (on human piss versus hog piss): It smells urine-y. Not assy. This smells like a booty.
Choice quotes from the people they encounter:
“You got the belt with your name on it? ‘Cause that’s why they do in Alabama.”
“I think if hogasaurus was in there, he would have had a couple of guys from L.A. in a minute.”
“What are you, a Chihuahua?”
“Have you ever crapped yourself before? Have you ever actually defecated on yourself? If you see a pig big enough out there, it’s gonna happen today.”
“You’ve been wasting our time for the last three days, man.”
Did Real and Chance succeed in their hunt?: No. Supposedly the one they caught was 500 lbs. But it’s hard to believe that this is less than a half pig short of being legendary:
It also supposedly lived, despite appearances (they probably wouldn’t waste a tag on a dead pig, after all). But most hilariously, the picture that was snapped of Real, Chance and the people who entirely facilitated and executed this pig hunt…
…has the actual pig cut out of it. That counts as a double-fail, right?