Well, it didn’t take long for this experience to turn traumatic…
This week’s Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It begins with a meeting between Kristi and her best friend, Kate. Bret’s been on the road for a week straight and Kristi is worried.
This provides an excellent segue into catching up with Bret at his concert in Joliet, Illinois. It is being attended by none other than his mom…
We don’t hear too much from her, but she seems like a lovely woman.
Bret says that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, so you can only imagine.
On to the show. Bret prefaces his performance by saying, “Now after my brain hemorrhage, I try not to sweat the details…mostly because I don’t remember any of them.” Someone get out the drum kit, play a bah-dum-dum for him and rest assured that he’ll be here all season. Anyway, this is in reference to not getting worked up about the present rain in Joliet and the fact that he’ll be performing in it.
Indeed, no one else seems to care. Isn’t it ironic? Rain on your concert date? Don’t cha think?
After the show, Bret meets some fans. This one approaches him saying, “Oh my god, I cannot believe you’re Bret Michaels!”
She can’t believe it? Imagine how he feels everyday upon waking!
This one has him sign her bra…
It feels like a throwback to simpler, Rock of Love-ier times.
Amazing, indeed. Another fan tells him that his “chick” is hot. “Baby mama…” says Bret. It almost sounds like he’s correcting. The fan tells him to stay with Kristi and Bret just kind of looks at her blankly. Again, a throwback to simpler, Rock of Love-ier times. Anyway, it’s time to pack it in, but not before a picture with Mom…
This one’s on the house!
(Just kidding, they all are.)
We see a traveling montage that just goes to show the devotion of Bret’s fans:
Showing a camera your bra is always a good idea. It’s less of a commitment than showing more and more of a commitment than waving. It shows that you care, yet are reasonable. It is the happiest of happy mediums.
Bret’s next stop is his favorite…
He tells us he has a few days off that he’s spending with his family…and the band…and some crew members…and a few grouchy drivers. But first, he’ll be spending it with Kristi:
She says that she knows Bret’s entourage is hungry but, “Mama eats first.” I do believe Bret has met his match, as appetites and linguistics go. They joke about the fact that they’ll only need three minutes. Well, Kristi jokes about it at least. Bret seems a lot more matter-of-fact, actually.
With that out of the way, we’re introduced to Vada, who’ll be appeasing everyone’s appetites…
Bret laments Vada’s lack of a french maid’s outfit and the smoking-hot babe-ness to go with it. I honestly wonder how it made Vada feel to watch him say that. Whatever, I’m sure she didn’t complain either way. That’s not what she was hired for. Regardless, there there, Vada.
In the kitchen, Kristi fumbles with some microwave bacon and jokes, “I don’t cook in the kitchen, I cook in the bedroom.” Kristi is an animal. I love it.
While Bret’s crew eats, Jorja pokes around his bus…
…she finds a hairbrush and soon is in hysterics because a member of Bret’s crew charmingly named Rat has stolen it along with three others.
Bret has to give Rat guidance on apologizing to Jorja. She is extremely particular, if you haven’t noticed.
He ends up apologizing…
…and he promises her to return her brushes. I guess that counts as a happy ending, but I feel like the lesson should instead be: don’t share brushes with a guy with a bush of hair who spends his days on the road and happens to be named Rat. Let him keep the ones he took and buy new ones. But whatever: not my kid.
The crew leaves and Bret and Kristi share some alone time. This time it’s G-rated.
Or…close enough, I guess.
Kristi is afraid that Bret’s doing too much so soon after his major health emergency, and something’s going to happen as a result. Bret says he’s doing so much so that it doesn’t happen. Kristi’s confused and Bret’s not explaining, so that’s that.
They move outside to play a game of “dodgeball therapy.”
Kristi explains that this exercise allows them to say what’s on their minds while whipping a ball at each other. Seems like a cause and cure if ever there were. Anyway, one of Kristi’s sample grievances is: “I’m angry that you’re never home!” He taunts her with part of what she is missing…
…and she comes so close to hitting him in the crotch that he calls their game “dodgeballs…mine!” Ultimately, he says he gets Kristi’s point: he needs to take it easier on himself.
And so, he treats Jorja and Raine to a nice, easy ride on his bike around their driveway.
Jorja, a force that’s diametrically opposed to Kristi, finds this underwhelming.
She hops on, but soon realizes that she doesn’t like their lack of speed, their failure to leave the driveway, and kind of, well, everything about this.
“That was so lame!” Not as much as people who eat basil, but point taken.
To illustrate how important it is for her to stay in their yard, Bret takes Raine to an accident site nearby that’s complete with a cross and flowers, presumably from the victim’s loved ones. This is not nearly as revelatory as he had expected, and it in fact, causes an existential crisis within Jorja. “I don’t wanna die!” she moans. Bret tells her she won’t. But what about when she’s really old? Bret says they’ll send angels down with a replacement Jorja. Interesting, I didn’t know Bret believed in reincarnation. Good for him! Anyway, Jorja isn’t so keen on this idea:
She asks a few other questions that reveal a deeper suspicion with the very concept of dying…
Jorja is, like the concept of death itself, mind-bending.
Back at home, she is still distraught.
To calm her down, Bret decides to put on a movie. She wants to watch a scary one. Bret suggests Knocked Up, a must-see for all five-year-olds. Jorja instead selects Van Helsing. Fictitious mortality is a great way to cope with the realization of actual mortality. This kid’s gonna be just fine.