Bret Michaels Life As I Know It Recap – Episode 2 – A Brush With Mortality

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Well, it didn’t take long for this experience to turn traumatic…

This week’s Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It begins with a meeting between Kristi and her best friend, Kate. Bret’s been on the road for a week straight and Kristi is worried.

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This provides an excellent segue into catching up with Bret at his concert in Joliet, Illinois. It is being attended by none other than his mom…

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We don’t hear too much from her, but she seems like a lovely woman.

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Bret says that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, so you can only imagine.

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On to the show. Bret prefaces his performance by saying, “Now after my brain hemorrhage, I try not to sweat the details…mostly because I don’t remember any of them.” Someone get out the drum kit, play a bah-dum-dum for him and rest assured that he’ll be here all season. Anyway, this is in reference to not getting worked up about the present rain in Joliet and the fact that he’ll be performing in it.

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Indeed, no one else seems to care. Isn’t it ironic? Rain on your concert date? Don’t cha think?

After the show, Bret meets some fans. This one approaches him saying, “Oh my god, I cannot believe you’re Bret Michaels!”

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She can’t believe it? Imagine how he feels everyday upon waking!

This one has him sign her bra…

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It feels like a throwback to simpler, Rock of Love-ier times.

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Amazing, indeed. Another fan tells him that his “chick” is hot. “Baby mama…” says Bret. It almost sounds like he’s correcting. The fan tells him to stay with Kristi and Bret just kind of looks at her blankly. Again, a throwback to simpler, Rock of Love-ier times. Anyway, it’s time to pack it in, but not before a picture with Mom…

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This one’s on the house!

(Just kidding, they all are.)

We see a traveling montage that just goes to show the devotion of Bret’s fans:

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Showing a camera your bra is always a good idea. It’s less of a commitment than showing more and more of a commitment than waving. It shows that you care, yet are reasonable. It is the happiest of happy mediums.

Bret’s next stop is his favorite…

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…home!

He tells us he has a few days off that he’s spending with his family…and the band…and some crew members…and a few grouchy drivers. But first, he’ll be spending it with Kristi:

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She says that she knows Bret’s entourage is hungry but, “Mama eats first.” I do believe Bret has met his match, as appetites and linguistics go. They joke about the fact that they’ll only need three minutes. Well, Kristi jokes about it at least. Bret seems a lot more matter-of-fact, actually.

With that out of the way, we’re introduced to Vada, who’ll be appeasing everyone’s appetites…

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Bret laments Vada’s lack of a french maid’s outfit and the smoking-hot babe-ness to go with it. I honestly wonder how it made Vada feel to watch him say that. Whatever, I’m sure she didn’t complain either way. That’s not what she was hired for. Regardless, there there, Vada.

In the kitchen, Kristi fumbles with some microwave bacon and jokes, “I don’t cook in the kitchen, I cook in the bedroom.” Kristi is an animal. I love it.

While Bret’s crew eats, Jorja pokes around his bus…

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…she finds a hairbrush and soon is in hysterics because a member of Bret’s crew charmingly named Rat has stolen it along with three others.

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Bret has to give Rat guidance on apologizing to Jorja. She is extremely particular, if you haven’t noticed.

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He ends up apologizing…

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…and he promises her to return her brushes. I guess that counts as a happy ending, but I feel like the lesson should instead be: don’t share brushes with a guy with a bush of hair who spends his days on the road and happens to be named Rat. Let him keep the ones he took and buy new ones. But whatever: not my kid.

The crew leaves and Bret and Kristi share some alone time. This time it’s G-rated.

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Or…close enough, I guess.

Kristi is afraid that Bret’s doing too much so soon after his major health emergency, and something’s going to happen as a result. Bret says he’s doing so much so that it doesn’t happen. Kristi’s confused and Bret’s not explaining, so that’s that.

They move outside to play a game of “dodgeball therapy.”

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Kristi explains that this exercise allows them to say what’s on their minds while whipping a ball at each other. Seems like a cause and cure if ever there were. Anyway, one of Kristi’s sample grievances is: “I’m angry that you’re never home!” He taunts her with part of what she is missing…

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…and she comes so close to hitting him in the crotch that he calls their game “dodgeballs…mine!” Ultimately, he says he gets Kristi’s point: he needs to take it easier on himself.

And so, he treats Jorja and Raine to a nice, easy ride on his bike around their driveway.

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Jorja, a force that’s diametrically opposed to Kristi, finds this underwhelming.

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She hops on, but soon realizes that she doesn’t like their lack of speed, their failure to leave the driveway, and kind of, well, everything about this.

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She interviews…

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“That was so lame!” Not as much as people who eat basil, but point taken.

To illustrate how important it is for her to stay in their yard, Bret takes Raine to an accident site nearby that’s complete with a cross and flowers, presumably from the victim’s loved ones. This is not nearly as revelatory as he had expected, and it in fact, causes an existential crisis within Jorja. “I don’t wanna die!” she moans. Bret tells her she won’t. But what about when she’s really old? Bret says they’ll send angels down with a replacement Jorja. Interesting, I didn’t know Bret believed in reincarnation. Good for him! Anyway, Jorja isn’t so keen on this idea:

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She asks a few other questions that reveal a deeper suspicion with the very concept of dying…

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Jorja is, like the concept of death itself, mind-bending.

Back at home, she is still distraught.

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To calm her down, Bret decides to put on a movie. She wants to watch a scary one. Bret suggests Knocked Up, a must-see for all five-year-olds. Jorja instead selects Van Helsing. Fictitious mortality is a great way to cope with the realization of actual mortality. This kid’s gonna be just fine.

  1. Cristina in Tampa says:

    OMG! Georgia is SO SWEET! The little comments that she makes, and the questions that she comes up with !! She’s an old soul with a very FUNNY sense of humor! I know that she was perfectly serious when dealing with the little grave marker on the side of the road, but it was just so CUTE! Georgia is very compassionate…and word much bigger than Georgia that best describes her!
    Cristina

  2. jessica says:

    jorja had me cracking up this whole episode. that kid is a trip. i cannot belive the things that came out of her mouth. i just adore her. i am so glad i stuck with this show & watched episode 2. i am hooked now. bret was pretty funny too with the whole knocked up movie. but jorja stole the whole show for me. love her!

  3. Karen says:

    Jorja is way way to funny. I can’t imagine what she’s going to be doing when she gets older. She will definitely keep her parents on their toes. Raine is also adorable but she seems to be so much more serious but she does have that sarcastic humor which makes me laugh as well. Kristi and Bret have a wonderful new show and I hope that they continue on with it because it has been considered a must see to me. I also think that the dodgeball area is a great idea. I would love to incorporate that in my life with my hubby. :)

  4. dust says:

    370,000 views. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I Love Money 4 with no advertising beats that number.

  5. dee wood says:

    LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS SHOW! I have always liked Bret. I met him several years ago after a show in Louisville. I had taken a patient from a physical rehab center to the concert (back in the Poison days!). We were lucky enough to be invited back stage and Bret was wonderful and sweet to the teen I had taken to see the band. He spent quality time with her and since she was in a wheelchair he got down to her level to speak to her and take photos. He was so kind and compassionate. You can see that with his daughters and Kristi is wonderful. This show is a trip. Love it! Dee W

  6. andy says:

    “I don’t want some loser to come back as me”…..LMAO!!

  7. Lele says:

    I absolutely love the show and didn’t think for a minute that I would. But do you know why I love it, its not because of Bret, its because of his youngest daughter, Georgia. She is a star, the star of the show. She is hilarious, little does she know. I think she going to be a phenomonal actress one day, so dramatic but heartfelt. Go Bret with your family!neva mind the rumors and get Georgia in some acting classes! and Rain, could be a singer like her Dad, I think.

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