Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It Recap – Episode 3 – Tears Of A Clown

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As if Jorja couldn’t get more awesome…

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…she’s now taken to evoking Yoda!

We begin this episode of Bret Michaels: Life as I Know It on a somber note…

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…Bret and Raine visit a children’s hospital to give out toys and good cheer to kids with diabetes. If you watched Bret’s season of The Celebrity Apprentice, you know that Raine is pre-diabetic, so it’s particularly poignant to hear her say that she wants to help kids see diabetes in a positive way. What an awesome daughter Bret has. Seriously! Tremendous!

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They meet with the family of a kid who was just diagnosed with diabetes that day. Annnnnd five minutes into Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It, I’m getting misty. Great. Thanks ,Bret Michaels and diabetes. Anyway, Bret reassures the kid and his family that diabetes hasn’t stopped him from doing what he wants (Rock of Love viewers certainly can attest to that!). “I’ve lived a really good, awesome life,” says Bret. Again, Rock of Love viewers certainly can attest to that. He leaves the kid with these words: “You’re gonna be awesome, OK?” If Bret has ever met a positive situation where the word “awesome” didn’t apply, we’ve never been privy to it.

He meets with a larger group.

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He promises one girl in a wheelchair that he’ll get her a bottle of his Snapple flavor, Trop-a-Rocka. She should be excited — it’s really good! He signs another kid’s blanket.

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Adorable, right? Then one mother approaches Bret and asks if he can visit her son, who can’t leave his bed. Immediately, you expect the worst, but then come to find…

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…he can’t leave his bed because he can’t move at all because he’s an infant! Making lemonade out of babies, Bret concedes: “I always say it is never too early to be a Bret Michaels fan.” I’m sure he really does always say that.

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And hey, it produced a great picture.

Back at home, Jorja is drawing on her face with marker.

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Bret notes, “Jorja never has any trouble amusing herself.”

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Or us!

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The fun flirting with skin poisoning is soon dashed when Bret tells Jorja that he must leave to play a show. She becomes hysterical, and the scene of genuine emotion is made absurdist by the state of her face.

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Raine interviews that Jorja needs to “get a grip.” Not happening — she is at, like, Tammy Faye levels of distraught.

So Bret’s back on tour, and the girls are beating the Arizona heat by swimming. They receive a call from Bret who tells them he’s going to have a family reunion of sorts in Pittsburgh and he wants them there. TODAY. Squealing, happy-dancing and rat-kissing ensue.

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Flying cross-country at a moment’s notice, of course, is made a lot more convenient by the Michaels private jet.

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Well, it’s better than standing in front of it, probably. Neater this way.

When Bret’s family arrives in Pittsburgh, he greets Kristi. The girls trail closely behind. Bret tells Raine to hold on. “I’m just getting a little feel-up,” he explains. “Disgusting,” says Raine. She isn’t wrong.

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Bret introduces his family to Toa…

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…he calls Toa his “head of insecurity” and riffs on the wordplay a little (he asks Toa how he looks and Toa reassures him that he looks great). Raine is unimpressed. She interviews, “Yeah, Dad, I get it. I’m not stupid and it’s not that funny.” I’m really glad that Raine is coming into her own and I’m extra glad that it’s as Bret’s dry-witted foil. Pretty much no one else could get away with the stuff that Raine says to and about Bret. What a great contribution to pop culture she is!

The girls are similarly unamused by this joking jab at Kristi:

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“Why did you hang that up?” says Raine, generally clueless to the humor. Bret is getting skewered this episode! Fascinating!

His extended family and friends have not yet arrived for the reunion, so Bret takes them to a nearby lake. As they ride there in a cart, Bret assures his daughters, “Real bears live here, but none of them are mean. They’re all pretty friendly.” So definitely go up and pet them when you see them. They might even give you a ride in their mouths, if you’re lucky!

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“Watch out, Mama’s juggs will knock you off the cart!” Bret warns. He really seems to have what one should be afraid of confused. Regardless, this goes over as well as a Cher cover at a Lynrd Skynrd show.

They arrive at a small paddle boat. No one is impressed.

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Even though their boat ride does seem peaceful and nice…

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…no one is impressed.

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Not very. When it is over, Bret asks Jorja if it was fun and she says, “Are you kidding? No!” She then interviews, “Thank god that’s over!” They may not appreciate it now, but at least this reality show gives them a document so that they can revisit it and enjoy this bit of family time when they are older. Real talk!

They go back to the venue, where the reunion commences.

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Football-tossing, seeing old high school friends and eating out of the backs of cars ensue. Bret leaves for a sound check full of feedback issues and disapproval that is extremely reminiscent of the opening scene of Truth or Dare. I guess that’s just how sound checks are? Once the sound issues are squared away, it is time for Bret to hit the stage. The turnout is insanely awesome.

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Kristi, Jorja and Raine stand off to the side, closely watching Bret.

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Kristi interviews that, “After 16 years of watching Bret play onstage, he still turns me on.” That sounds like something would Bret say (maybe/maybe not about himself). They are perfect for each other. He introduces Kristi to the crowd as his “beautiful girlfriend,” which she appreciates (nothing like acknowledgment to make a woman melt!). He then calls up Raine and Jorja to sing along with him.

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He calls this “the best bring-your-daughters-to-work moment ever.” It is, in a word…(wait for it)…awesome.

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