Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It Recap – Episode 4 – Why Buy The Horse?

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Why? So you can use it later, according to Bret. I don’t know what that means, but Raine apparently does. Help?

This week’s Bret Michaels: Life as I Know It finds Bret on a media blitz in New York. He’s promoting his latest album, Custom Build, and this very show that you’re reading a recap of. He feels overbooked. Kristi and the girls are in New York as well, and she says that they’re getting a taste of their dad’s jet-setting lifestyle, having gone from Pittsburgh to New York in a day. As they enter their suite, Jorja gets a taste of his head-hitting lifestyle, as well.

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The first stop we see Bret make is at The Wendy Williams Show.

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She asks him about the engagement ring he supposedly gave Kristi that sent keyboards clicking earlier this year. He denies their engagement, saying, “Is it friendship with benefits ring?” The audience groans. He talks about his commitment to Kristi as a “work in progress.” No one seems to like that much, either, with the exception of Bret, who interviews, “There is no doubt I could have handled that a lot worse.”

After the interview, Bret talks to Wendy in the green room. I wonder if she always talks to her guests after the show, or if the presence of a reality TV crew was the incentive here.

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Bret emphasizes to Wendy that he had a really great time and he hopes he didn’t bore her. If he did onstage, she doesn’t mention it, but her quick shift in subject implies that he is now. “Do you wear underwear?” Well, he isn’t now, he reveals. “I could tell,” says Wendy. She says that when he walked out on stage, “I looked down while you were walking out and I was like [gasp] he’s dangling!” So she wasn’t bored, then. A great answer for his initial question. He asks if it was a good dangle. She confirms it was. And that’s the end of that exchange. They all lived free-ballingly ever after.

Meanwhile, Kristi and the girls go shopping while Bret finishes up his press. Kristi points out an, “I Love Rock and Roll” shirt…

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It’s less Rock of Love and more vintage Poison (although it isn’t even that, really). Jorja attempts to watch her sister change. Raine tells her to get out, and Jorja moans, “I want to look at you!”

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She’s got a weird way of showing it, no? When Kristi goes to pay, she’s given VIP treatment…

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Couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the inherently vouching camera crew, could it? Kristi refers to Bret as her “boyfriend” to the shop girl, and then interviews that she can’t believe at after 16 years, she’s still calling Bret her boyfriend. It’s better than calling him her ex after 16 years.

Bret does a taping of Money Rocks, while the shopping persists. In another store, Jorja proclaims, “I’m not normal!” while doing such a kid thing:

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Frolicking under clothing racks looks totally normal to me!

Kristi explains to Raine the wonders of chicken cutlets…

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It seems a potentially embarrassing moment, especially for a tween who’s not just enduring being out in public with her parents, but who’s doing so in front of a nation. However…

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…Raine totally embraces this. I guess when your parents are Bret Michaels and Kristi, you grow up with an open mind. A lifetime of fun is in store for Raine. Good for her.

Bret finally meets up with his family to attend his Letterman taping. Outside, the throngs shout his name.

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He poses for some photographers with his clan…

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He introduces his family members to them and when he gets to Kristi, he adds, “And this is the baby mama!” Kristi feels slighted, but again, it’s better than being called an “ex.” Just trying to stay positive!

After the taping, Bret pledges to cancel some “shows” (I think he means talk shows) so that he can spend more time with his daughters in New York. Quality time includes window-gazing…

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…and, of course, shopping. And shopping includes more paparazzi:

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At least they’re all game! I wouldn’t mind watching Jorja pull a Kanye on a photog one of these times, though. Could make for a fun scene.

They hit a toy store. Puppeting ensues.

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Bret picks up the aforementioned horse on a stick and says to Kristi, “Hey honey, maybe we could use this later.”

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For what? No really, for what? Raine squeals, “That’s disgusting! I get that!” Why does this child know more about what adults do with toy horses than I do?

Anyway, Bret decides to take Kristi out for dinner, and leaves his daughters in the care of someone named Tattooed Tony:

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He seems completely secure in this decision. Whatever! Not my kids!

Bret and Kristi dine with Donald Trump Jr. (whom Bret describes as his “good friend and mentor”) and Donald Jr.’s wife.

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Immediately, Don gets down to business — Bret’s business, that is — and asks him if he and Kristi are engaged. Bret squirms and interviews, “Out of all the people in my life that I thought was my mentor and good friend, good old Don Jr. throws me right under the bus.” I love that in the presence of a Celebrity Apprentice co-star, Bret reverts right back to Celebrity Apprentice lingo!

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“This is a friendship ring…for 16 years,” Kristi says patiently, only to then interview that the only people who wear friendship rings are tweens. So at least she knows what’s up. Bret, on the other hand, literally stammers. He eventually gets out, “We’re working on it. It’s a work in progress.” He kind of argues with himself regarding that next step, reasoning that you shouldn’t need a piece of paper to show that you’re in love, but he also thinks that if you’re in love, it’s the right thing to do. And there he is, stuck in the middle.

Kristi and Bret return to their hotel room to find that Tattooed Tony has transformed their daughters into one of him:

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Jorja has a “tramp stamp,” and it is literally referred to as such by her father.

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Literally! Bret Michaels literally tells his 5-year-old, “Let me see your tramp stamp.” If you told me that this exchange would be part of a wholesome vision of Bret Michaels’ family life six months ago, I would not be shocked. Still, just hearing it has an entirely different effect.

The girls go to bed and Bret and Kristi wind down.

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He asks her if she’s mad that he said they weren’t engaged. She is not, because they are not. He says that he’s not making any definitive statement on their future — he’s saying, “We’ll see.” Kristi interviews that they’re more connected and committed than most people who are married. She takes a few beats and says that at least, that’s what she keeps telling herself. Indeed, she really, really gets it.

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  1. psalaz says:

    BRET MARRY KRISTI PLEASE!!!!!! AND GOD BLESS YOU AND UR FAMILY, AND I PRAY THAT YOUR HEALTH GETS BETTER.

  2. Michelle says:

    Hey Bret and Kristi, I loved Episode 4, it was awesome. Bret you sure were put on the spot a lot this time. That’s okay. It is good for ya!! LOL!!! You really do need to marry Kristi. She is so sweet and good to ya. And I again, I just love you and Kristi’s dodgeball theropy. It looks very Theroputic, Ha Ha!! I just think you two are good together. And face it Bret you aren’t getting any younger. LOL j/k…. I just love you guys. Raine and Jorja are the sweetest too. I love how spunky Jorja is. And Raine is a pre-teen about 2 years before her time, but that is good. It shows good character. You guys have a good week and I will be seeing you next week.

  3. lely says:

    bret you really need to man up! (BE A MAN) your really coming off as a pathetic nerd take off the cow boy hat off and wash off the mascara kid be a man for once in your life lets cut to the chase and cut out all the whining either you love her and you want to marry or you don’t if you need a show to help you decide then you really don’t want a wife stay single and keep pretending your twenty
    I think your really looking for is a mommy figure not a wife.

  4. SandiL says:

    Bret I finally found your show and I watched the last 3 episodes. I will say that you certainly can see the love for your daughters, that is so terrific! Although Dad I think Rain is starting to grow into a beautiful little adult. I thought that you were going to have your heart surgery this November? Please take care of yourself and stay in good health those girls need you. Besides that your fans need you and you haven’t found your cure yet for diabetes yet for your daughter. Keep on rockin and rollin’ and take care.

  5. BOO says:

    hey lely-
    bret is hot!!
    He doesnt need to do anything…
    you say he needs to man up..? and what get married.? like hes only a man if he gets married.Maybe he doesnt want to get married..(Personally I think they allready are)..Hes not whining.(its called trying to make drama for the show so people will watch)