Looks like someone’s happy to be here!
For this week’s My Big Friggin’ Wedding rundown, let’s start with…
Johnny and Megin
They’re still on the hunt for a venue. They visit yet another, where Megin reveals that she has allowed Johnny to determine the color scheme of the party. He’s gone with black and gold. “It’s really, really sharp. Classy,” he explains. I guess in the way that blown-out-and-aerosoled hair is sharp and classy, he’s right. I hope shoulder pads are their favors. Keep in mind that this sharpness and class is Rocky inspired — Johnny is replicated the scheme of Rocky’s shorts. I guess that movie really is, at its heart, a love story, so I find this completely acceptable.
The venue owner promises an ice sculpture, should they elect to have their reception here. Megin jokingly wonders if it should be of Rocky or a meatball. Mmmm, meat ice. Johnny brings up the roast pig he wants, again, and says he wants it sitting on their table. Megin doesn’t want her food looking at her. Maybe they should compromise and have the ice sculpture made a pig. A dead pig with eyes carved from ice definitely fits the sharp, classy motif.
Regardless of all this sharp class (or maybe because of it), Megin says this venue gave them the best deal and so they’re going with it. That’s the good news, here’s the bad: she’s going on maternity leave sooner than expected and she’s not going back to her job. She’s essentially being laid off. She tells Johnny this over dinner. His reaction to the news is a non-reaction:
And here’s her reaction to his non-reaction:
“Honey, it’s gonna work out. Trust me,” he says. He goes onto explain, “I am all about positive vibes, positive thinking.” Why live in the world when you can live in your head, particularly when the latter is the happiest place on earth North of Disney World? Megin tries to tell him that his optimism doesn’t make much sense or cents, and he burps. She warns him that he’s going to end up working at Burger King. “You’re not going to be Meatball King, you’re going to be Burger King,” she says. But if he ends up cutting a song as a result what’s the problem?
Speaking of problems, Megin and Johnny take theirs to premarital therapy. She explains that she’s maybe not ready to marry him if he’s actually as immature as he appears to be. That is a very mature sentiment. Megin’s no hypocrite! They sit down and Megin immediately unleashes, saying that she feels like she’s carrying the weight of the world and that she doesn’t feel like he’s serious because he’s not feeling her anxiety. She cries!
He says this “kills” him. Hopefully, it’ll kill him into action. Perhaps it will — Johnny feels like he can assuage Megin’s fears by making Johnny Meatballs a success. He meets with his friend Louie about a Johnny Meatballs apparel line.
Buying a shirt without tasting Johnny’s balls would be like marrying him…without tasting his other balls. It seems premature, is what I’m saying, but what do I know? I’m a vegetarian. Johnny pledges that his meatballs will save their relationship. His idea for apparel includes a bikini with a meatball on each boob. Pepperoni nipples, you’ve met your match! At home, Johnny shows Megin the fruits of his balls, and she squeals in delight.
“This is so cute. I would really buy these!” she gushes. She’s biased so this isn’t exactly consumer research, but at least she’s no longer crying! I hate it when girls cry! She rewards him with a joint shower (not a party, but an actual bathing-standing-up session). If it’s not one set of balls, it’s another with these two.
We see Johnny meet with a ravioli company to gain distribution for his meatballs. He learns that putting a food product on the market is full of red tape. Shock! At home, Megin presses him for tangible details, but Johnny’s not a tangible details kind of guy. Without tangible details, however, he may get tangled in the aforementioned red tape. Not that he cares! But no worries: he promises her that he’s going to be a “thousandaire” and then a millionaire. That he has to invent a word to telegraph his goals shows us just how modest his start is. Only up from here, I guess!
Danny and Tammie
Hey, remember how Tammie drunkenly slurred about her suspected pregnancy last episode? Well, her suspicions linger and she isn’t drunk (as far as we can tell) or anything. She informs Danny on the phone that she believes she is with child.
That’s his answer. I think it’s very fair and rational. Tammie does not agree.
“I’m not assuming! I think I may be!” says Tammie. The change from her grand statements to semantic arguments is pretty fascinating. She calls her boss Esther in to say that her period is a week late. “You know how I always think I’m pregnant? I really think so…” she tells Esther. “You know how I’ve never been right about this one thing before? My not rightness is happening again,” she might as well say. But whatever, she has an army of pregnancy tests on her side.
You can be a little pregnant…a lot! Tammie totally takes the test on camera, which to spell it out for you, involves peeing on camera.
What a producer’s dream this woman is! But a non-pregnant one at that! The test reveals that the girl who cried, “Fetus!” still is just that.
That might be a good thing, as Tammie seems averse to even pretending to be mom when faced with Danny’s children.
“There’s three Haitian orphans in my house, looking at me like they’re starving, like they just got affected by the earthquake or something,” is how she sets this scene. Oof. Tammie should probably keep the Haitian insults in the family and definitely off TV. Anyway, she’s making spaghetti and meat sauce, but the kids want meatballs. The problem is that Tammie doesn’t know how to make meatballs. Call Johnny! He has many to sell and they’re only a dollar. Since Tammie doesn’t know Johnny, she must rely on the next best thing: Danny.
Danny’s daughter Samantha points out that Tammie calls a Haitian guy for an Italian recipe. Samantha is a good observer with a flair for irony. I wonder if she appreciates Tammie, if not as a stepmother then at least a source of comedy? As Tammie makes the meatballs she whines hard about feeling like a maid.
But at least she’s smiling! And joking! She notes that she typically likes her balls bigger and darker than the ones she’s preparing. Cute, but also problematic for you see:
The meatballs come out looking like meatballs, and we see everyone starting to eat, but we never find out about their quality or what other horribly inappropriate things she told these kids about her sex life with their father. Maybe next time!
Matt and Amanda
Matt starts the episode out on a down note — he’s a contractor and a house he was working on was basically looted, leaving him several thousand dollars in the hole. But on the upside, the looters left crack behind! Perhaps he should smoke it for a poor marrying man’s vacation.
He explains to Amanda that this has basically cost them a quarter of their wedding budget. She doesn’t understand.
But when you own the business it’s your money, and when you’re marrying the guy with the money, it’s your money, too! It’s so basic, it’s not even math. Matt thinks Amanda is “floating through this whole process with her head up her ass.” I don’t know about that, but it’s definitely not up a calculator’s ass.
They have an appointment with the venue, during which menu options are read, causing Matt’s stomach to rumble. In the process, Amanda forgets about linens she was so bent on getting, which just proves how frivolous they were in the first place, though probably not to her even still. At home Matt and Amanda bicker. This involves him calling her “bro” a lot. She doesn’t seem surprised and she doesn’t seem to protest. I guess she’s used to it? Matt tells her, “You want ice sculptures and fine linens. At least you could be in a good mood about it.” Right? If ice sculptures and fine linens aren’t enough to cheer you up, what is? After some more bickering, Matt warns that he’s close to snapping. He decides to release some tension in a bar, leaving Amanda home to “marinate in her own miserable sauce.” We then clearly see her relaxed and reading on the couch. Meanwhile, Matt’s behavior in the club…
…is enough to make her sauce thicken. To be continued, or I guess since we’re talking about arguing, I should say prolonged.
Joey and Sandra
Oof squared. Joey and Sandra meet with their wedding planner, who asks how they want to be introduced. She offers (the not structurally parallel), “Mr. and Mrs. Sandra and Joseph Cimino.” Yes, Sandra would like her name to be said.
Joey would not. Literally, he tells her, “I don’t want your name said.” O…K? He says she doesn’t have that privilege yet. That’s funny, I thought a birth certificate gave her as much. I also didn’t realize that being called one’s name is a privileged. It makes me wonder what Joey calls her as she leads up to this privileged status.
We see Sandra working her first day as Joey’s assistant. She says she loves having him as a boss. After what we see, I can’t imagine what she’s talking about. We see her taking down a booking on the phone and then Joey walks in and asks where the hell she is. She materializes and he scowls at her. She tells him she booked a job, he says it’s about time she did something. He sure has a funny way of showing his appreciation! Oh wait, I can’t make that call since he’s yet to do it!
And it gets funnier! (Not really.) He goes through her planning book and calls it a mess.
He points out that she entered things incorrectly. “Sorry, I wasn’t trained that way,” she says. “Yeah, all you have to do is look back!” he says referring to previous entries. And all he had to do was explain that! The scene ends with him absentmindedly calling his own phone, which he blames on her. She laughs. She may be the only person on earth who finds this endearing — no wonder they’re getting married.
Another day, another needlessly tense situation:
It’s time to confirm a booking, but after attempting to call, Joey claims that Sandra wrote the number down wrong. He starts to lose it, but she points out that the number is still on the phone. She calls and confirms it herself. But then, it turns out that the right number is in the book and that the error was not in Sandra’s transcription, but in Joey’s dialing.
He says he’s really sorry for the error and promises to be more patient in the future. Just kidding. He totally yells at her for writing her 1 wrong. In an interview, she says he needs anger management. He disagrees. He doesn’t disagree through gritted teeth, so maybe he’s onto something? Sandra interviews that he has a temper, but she can just let him vent and be on his way. Again, her willingness to do so says everything about their lifetime coupling.
The last of Joey and Sandra that we see occurs at the gym.
“I’m so friggin’ excited I could hardly contain myself,” says Sandra on her way to work out her ass. Her sarcasm is with good reason: Joey reports that whether she’s doing an exercise right or wrong, he’s going to bust her balls and make her do more because he loves busting her balls. I don’t know if she has balls attached to her butt cheeks, but he smacks her ass a lot. She doesn’t seem to enjoy this. Then, when she’s lying in bed after the gym because she’s so sore and her ass is not available for the smacking, he hits her on the stomach. But don’t worry, it’s light. I think this is his way of expressing affection.
Tyler and Alyssa
We find them planning out their menu. They try to do this democratically but start disagreeing at every turn. He wants sliders as an appetizer, but she thinks that’s “ghetto.” Oh totally, the hood is the first place I go when I want someone to hand-serve me wee little burgers. (Veggie burgers, of course.) When planning the salad, neither knows what arugula is but that doesn’t stop them from fighting about it – her in its favor, him trying to shoot it down. Tyler doesn’t think they should put much thought into the cake. Or money: “Does anybody eat cake at a wedding? No. Maybe the old people,” he says. If it’s good, they’ll eat it. That’s the first rule of any gathering. They seem to finally agree to just let Alyssa choose everything, which is probably what she wanted all along. She wins.
And then she loses. Badly. (Emotionally at least.) Her florist-wedding planner, Tony, and some of her bridesmaids accompany her on a dress fitting.
Tony acts like such an ass. He loudly addresses his issues with her dress (which, by the way, she loves — the dynamic is like a Bridezillas in Bizarro World nightmare).
He keeps saying, “Can ya get more boob up in there?” Can he get out of her cleavage? He then criticizes her necklace and she tells him that she’ll be wearing more than the one she has on. He wonders why she doesn’t just junk it up a little more. Additionally, he calls her head piece “a big satellite” and refers to her as “Cream Puff.” Why doesn’t she fire him then and there? Who needs that?
Not Alyssa, surely, who you’ll remember, ended last episode in tears after her mom got wasted, pulled up one bridesmaid’s dress and then verbally fought with her and several others at the bridal shower.
She ends this one in tears, too. It takes her crying to get him to lay off and apologize. He hugs her and she barely reciprocates. He says it was fake, though he should be lucky that she didn’t strangle him when she had the chance. As if he deserves any physical contact other than a kick right on his ass! Seriously, everybody: leave Alyssa alone!