My Big Friggin’ Wedding Recap – Episode 5 – A Meatball Is Born

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Fresh out of the womb and fist-pumping already: it’s the Jersey way.

Johnny and Megin

Obviously, the episode’s big event is the birth of Johnny and Megin’s baby, Christian Dean DeCarlo. What a joyous occasion: not only do they have a new source of love, but now Megin can totally get drunk at her wedding. Beautiful on top of beautiful.

Before Megin goes into the hospital, she freaks Johnny out with a YouTube video of a C-section, since she’s set to get one herself:

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He clings to his rosary for support. In the process, she freaks herself out, as well:

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I think we can all agree that C-sections are best unseen, which is often accomplished merely by turning one’s head — even when it’s happening to you. Easy enough.

Prior to leaving for the hospital to give birth, Megin puts on a full face of makeup and sprays herself with perfume, including the crotch area. It’s very nice that she’s trying to make this as pleasant of an experience as possible for everyone, including us at home who enjoy watching someone be excessive. Anyway, she goes in and out he comes this little guy:

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Just insanely, insanely cute. Not even Johnny immediately dubbing him “Baby Meatballs” can diminish his cuteness. That is some resilient cuteness right there.

When we last see Johnny and Megin, they are preparing to move. She wants a fresh start with her fresh-out-the-oven baby. Johnny notes, “In the last six months, I went through more then I probably ever did in my life. We got engaged, then she got pregnant, then she had a baby.” How short is Megin’s gestation period if she got pregnant and had her child in well under six months? Is she part kangaroo? Is there joey in that meatball?

Anyway, as they organize their stuff to move, Megin wants to throw out a picture of Jesus. Johnny is horrified and says she’s going to hell. He says you can’t throw Jesus in the trash. Note to Johnny: hoarding for religious reasons is still hoarding.

Tyler and Alyssa

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Alyssa’s meeting with florist/wedding planner Johnny, despite all of the horrible things he said about her last week, which resulted in tears. Perhaps she just hasn’t gotten around to firing him yet. It would be true to her character, since she hasn’t gotten around to doing anything. She wants to fast forward to the wedding day, she says. Alas, she lost the remote and isn’t very motivated to find it. Johnny says he wants to make her look like a superstar but right now, she’s cruising down the road to being the worst bride ever. He’s definitely the owner of the air rights to the best person ever, though. After he says this, she asks for his number, which is obviously hilarious not because it shows once again how much she doesn’t care about making a big deal about this wedding, but because it shows how much she doesn’t care about communicating with Johnny.

At home, Tyler and Alyssa talk about the fact that they haven’t received nearly all the RSVPs that they should have by now.

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And then she yawns because she is so bored by this whole wedding-planning thing.

He kind of gets on her case for not knowing how many invites they sent out. She interviews that while she is not working hard on the wedding, she’s working harder than he is, so he needs to shut his mouth. Fat chance! They leave things a little tense, with her stalking out of the room and him engaging in what’s fast becoming a VH1 tradition: pen throwing.

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It’s not at her, though, so this is a mild case.

In the end, we get to see them celebrate their fifth anniversary together. She buys him T-shirts; he gets her earrings from Tiffany. Needless to say, this is one episode where Alyssa does not end up in tears at all.

Danny and Tammie

Here we go with these two! While Tammie is out, Danny decides to work on the seating arrangement of their reception.

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Tammie walks in, seemingly irritated by his taking initiative. While his concerns of a “racial fight” are somewhat tongue-in-cheek, they also come from the real place of Tammie’s family being uncomfortable with their interracial union. So that’s sad. (Meanwhile, Danny says that the easy thing about seating Haitians is “they don’t care.”) Tammie, though, doesn’t want her wedding segregated with different water fountains for whites and blacks. This is strictly a progressive, one-water-fountain wedding. Less is more pro-social.

Tammie gives some indication of where she comes from when she wonders if this seating arrangement will be confusing to Danny’s people. “Are they going to understand numbers?” she asks. At least in the abstract, I’m sure. In Tammie’s special set up wedding headquarters she gets immediately frustrated with Danny and I don’t even know why.

She starts pulling pins.

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She also rants about Danny not knowing who their invited guest Hennick Valoose is. She says it’s clearly one of Danny’s as Hennick Valoose is clearly not Italian like say, Joey Babaloo. She rants a “Joey Babaloo, Hennick Valoose,” bit that rivals Letterman’s Uma/Oprah thing.

For their final trick, Danny and Tammie retire to bed. She interviews that after sex, he’ll say yes to anything and he chimes in with, “Except the prenup!” Oh, we back on that again?

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“I’m gonna make you forget about the prenup tonight!” Tammie promises. In interview, Tammie explains that she’s a hot mama, 27 and can “do the booty pop right on top of that.” I’m not very happy with the fact that I’m aware that she’s referring to extremely unprotected sex. I mean, I could gather as much (committed couple on their way to be wed and she’s obviously obsessed with pregnancy), but she was so explicit about it that I can’t not think about it. Always. Like, when I’m doing laundry and flossing, Tammie and Danny are there, too, having bareback sex and loving it.

Tammie says “prenup” about 5,000 more times while they’re in bed. It’s the least sexy pillow talk I’ve ever witnessed. No wonder she doesn’t get any.

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But that doesn’t stop Belle from humping her stuffed animal, which I could have predicted, again unhappily.

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This is none of my business, nor will it ever be.

Joey and Sandra

Joey and Sandra are going to their gorgeous venue on the beach to do a walk through and to run down their menu one more time. A highlight occurs when Sandra explains that to attend this walk through, she wore a tighter skirt around hips to see “how friggin’ stupid I look walking down the steps.”

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Ah, the “friggin’” returns. It’s so hard to come by in recent episodes. Here it is like music to my ears.

Back at home, Sandra makes a concerted effort to learn how to cook for Joey in advance of their wedding.

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“Are you sure you’re going to be able to read and cook at the same time?” Joey asks her. He then explains, “You’re not exactly multi-talented.” Very encouraging. When she tells him she’s making chicken rollatini, he says, “God help me.” She kind of freaks out as she’s cooking — she’s grossed out by the chicken.

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At one point, she says she needs a baking dish; he says she needs baking lessons. His antagonizing in this scene is actually kind of endearing. It’s weird! It’s not nearly as toxic as previous scenes have implied. It’s just kind of his sense of humor about their dynamic.

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He orders a pizza as she cooks. This seems mean and degrading of her time spent…except that when the chicken rollatini comes out, it’s too disgusting for even Sandra to eat. In fact, she runs to spit it out as soon as she puts it in her mouth. Joey was right. He wins.

Matt and Amanda

Finally, we reach the couple with the biggest, most hilarious storyline this week. It’s the day of Amanda’s bridal shower, but she has also scheduled her “hair trial” for the morning.

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Unsurprisingly, she is running late. When Matt finally gets her into the car, it’s a minute before the shower is supposed to start. He says the venue is half an hour away and they’re facing a half an hour of traffic. He says she’ll be an hour and a half late. I wonder if this miscalculation would make Tammie wonder if Matt is Haitian.

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Their ride is full of bickering. My favorite exchange is:

Matt: You schedule your hair trial the morning of your bridal shower. Who does that?
Amanda: Me!

She may be unfair, but she isn’t wrong.

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And then, utter hilarity ensues when they reach the restaurant where the shower is being held. Amanda’s trial ‘do is no match for the wind and so it takes, in Matt’s probably faulty calculation, 15 minutes to get from the car to the restaurant.

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My favorite part, though, is when she walks backwards.

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Very diva. Very impressive.

At the party, which by the way is full of women…

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…Matt makes a beeline for the bar…

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…which means, “Where’s Matt?” is a near constant refrain of the shower.

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And, I mean, can you imagine the nerve? He’s missing the blender! The blender!

Matt’s much more into his own party, one of the bachelor variety, for which he dons a crown…

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…attends Sapphire, one of those fancy strip clubs where you can also eat dinner. They’re amazing, those places. I recommend them. No matter what your orientation or where you are in life, you will enjoy it. Like Men’s Warehouse, I guarantee it. Certainly, this is the place for Matt, who says he’s excited for the filet mingnon, a nice cold drink and some big breasts in his face, nipples touching his nose. That’s really poetic, and a good predictor of exactly what happens all at once:

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So many strippers in this situation don’t want to appear on camera, in my experience. I always wonder about the ones who do.

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At Sapphire, there are multitudes.

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Who’s a happy camper with a stripper in his lap and fine food in his belly?

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This guy.

And just in case you’re uncertain of how strip clubby this strip club is…

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…there you go.

And here Matt goes:

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Outside, Matt interviews that he’s a single man for one more week. I guess if you’re going by, like, the Census criteria, but come on! There’s a difference between being unmarried and single. I wonder what Amanda would have to say about Matt’s singularity. Speaking of, we see footage of her fretting about what might be taking place, but she assures herself that it can’t be too bad because Sapphire is classy. So classy, they have a champagne room:

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No idea what’s going on there. A bit more of an idea what’s going on here:

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Matt and his buddies return home. Amanda interviews that she was awakened by him dry humping her. Oh, I should probably mention that at this point, Matt is so drunk that he’s slurring as if he has a speech impediment. It’s bad!

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Amanda will do no such thing. He slurs that he’s “so horny,” and then pulls her close to him. She screams in response.

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I laughed so hard for so long at this scene that my coworker asked me if I was OK. The rest of Matt’s dudes come in, screaming. Amanda sends them away. The episode ends with Matt stammering, “I’m having a party. It’s my bachelor party…I’m a king.” Not a king who’s getting laid tonight, but a king all the same.

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