In this episode of My Big Friggin’ Wedding, Alyssa gets her yayas out…
…with a little help from her stripper!
Johnny and Megin
As we were told last episode, Johnny and Megin are moving houses. To help manage the move, they’re having a garage sale. With meatballs in his eyes, Johnny predicts that they will sell $200 worth of goods. Megin goes for a more conservative $60. They make a Price is Right-style bet (whoever gets closest without going over wins): if he takes it, they have sex. If she does, they have to wait till their wedding night. He says he’s gone nine months already, but she protests and says that they had sex while she was pregnant. Episode 4 of this very show would seem to corroborate as much. Maybe he needs to design some more T-shirts to jog is memory?
Anyway, they set up:
It really is a typical Jersey yard sale. This used to be my playground…
They end up selling nothing. Literally! Megin’s son makes more money with his lemonade stand, even.
If the meatball thing doesn’t work out, there’s at least one bona fide entrepreneur in the family.
Perhaps this failure has set Megin in a foul mood. Certainly, Johnny’s new-found mustache does him no favors.
He thinks it makes him look more ethnic; she thinks it makes him look like a Mario Brother. I don’t see how that’s a disagreement.
During Megin’s trial makeup run, as Johnny reconfigures the shape of his facial hair to produce what you see above, she tells her makeup artist that she feels like she’s marrying into a “loony bin” and that Mario is “not my type to say the least.” After setting eyes on Johnny’s mustache, the makeup artist remarks, “Better you than me!” This is all going very positively for the immediate and long-term future of their relationship, by the way.
Oh, and where the hell is their newborn? Didn’t Megin have that kid, like, 15 minutes ago?
We at least find the answer to that question, as they sit together to work on the email invite to their wedding.
On one hand, I guess email invites are tacky. On the other, they’re in Jersey, so tackiness is par for the course. And really, why not send an email invite instead of spending, like $1,500 to kill trees? Johnny and Megin’s use of their dollars makes a lot of sense! Not that they bond over this point — they bicker over which email invite to send out. She says things like she can’t wait to go out and flirt with other guys and, “I could make one phone call and be screwing somebody with a Lexus.” She reports in interview that they’ve been fighting everyday and she can’t wait to get this wedding over with. But also, she feels like she’s settling — not just with the wedding planning, but with the person she’s getting married to. How uplifting. I’m hoping that postpartum depression is the cause for all this?
Megin has a girls night out, where she explains her situation with Johnny to her friends.
She says Johnny’s so invested in making the meatball thing work that it’s his lack of a Plan B that really bothers her. I’m telling you: lemonade. Her friends wonder if she has cold feet — she says she has cold nipples. Maybe if she didn’t make bets that seek to stave off sex, Johnny could help keep her nipples warm? “How do you wake up to the same penis everyday?” wonders Megin. “Think about other penises?” suggests one of her bridesmaids. They laugh at this. It’s funny ’cause it’s true — and I’ve got the Playgirl subscription to prove it! Just kidding. Who reads print anymore?
The girls hit the bar. Megin removes her ring.
Scandal. Perhaps in a display of karma, a dude tries to pick her up with a card trick.
Is this guy a disciple of The Game or what? Megin is totally turned off, interviewing, “Who brings a deck of cards to the bar?” She says this puts Johnny into perspective — there are a lot of deck-wielding weirdos out there, after all. Converting Megin back to Team Johnny may be this bozo’s greatest trick of all.
Danny and Tammie
We meet Danny and Tammie at a jewelry store, where they’re getting her wedding band redone. She didn’t like the old one. I think the reason is it literally wasn’t big enough to meet her standards. She wants to go big big big, but Danny, as usual, is more conservative than she is when it comes to spending his money.
“Trashy? I’m classy,” says Tammie, coming close to seething. She’s so classy that even the word “trashy” knocks her comprehension off course from understanding the actual point of the sentence that contained it.
When it comes time to pay, Danny asks that Tammie leave the store. He has justified rationale:
Ever the woman of principles, Tami interviews outside that she’s getting the ring appraised. She also gets legitimately verklempt when discussing a 5 carat ring she tried on while visiting the store. She seriously can’t go on after she begins to describe it. Such a passionate future wife.
What would a Tammie and Danny storyline be without an argument about their prenup? Push comes to shove as they prepare to get their wedding license. Danny demands that Tammie sign the prenup once and for all, and furthermore calls out her resistance:
She tells him he didn’t give her notice. I guess waving the documents in her face for the past five episodes doesn’t count as “notice” then? She rants against him not giving her the prenup “in a nicely manner.” There’s something very Dickensian about putting it that way…as well as all this bickering about finances, I guess! She begins to review the document and then proclaims, “I don’t understand these words!” She flings the paper and flees the room. “No prenup, no wedding!” Danny shouts after her. That really is his catchphrase. What, “Eat my shorts!” is to Bart Simpson, “No prenup, no wedding!” is to Danny. Like, exactly.
Tammie reenters the room and calls him a con artist but eventually reconsiders. She has a prolonged moment of stillness that makes you feel like you’re high as you’re watching it. She then decides to sign. Now I feel like she’s high.
Tammie puts pen to paper…
But on closer look, she’s not as agreeable as she’s pretending to be:
As she reveals in an interview, she printed her name instead of signing it “’cause that doesn’t mean anything.” She gives herself another one of her famous back pats explaining, “I’m very smart.” So smart, she attempted to put her name on a document fraudulently in front of a camera and then explained her process in detail. Brilliant, even.
Matt and Amanda
“For my big friggin’ wedding, I wanted to kick it up a notch,” Matt says. And so, he is hiring a Lady Gaga impersonator to perform at his reception.
It’s so wrong, it’s just right:
He’s excited not only by her appearance, but what she can add to the festivities. “This is gonna make my wedding like a big friggin’ wedding here,” he exclaims. “Even bigger than it is now?” she wonders. Bigger and frigginer.
Matt and Amanda have their rehearsal dinner, but since no one throws up on their shoes, says something racist or attempts to intimidate their partner into submission, it is mostly unremarkable. At home, it’s revealed that though it’s 7 pm the night before their wedding, Matt and Amanda still don’t have their seating chart finished.
Amanda’s mother, is named Xiomara, which is awesome.
If I’m not mistaken, we haven’t had a Xiomara on U.S. reality TV since America’s Next Top Model Cycle 2. I wonder if Amanda’s mom walks like she’s on crack, too?
Xiomara says she’s looking forward to Amanda not being her problem anymore.
Amanda, not so much.
Tyler and Alyssa
The most amazing, intoxicating storyline this week belongs to Tyler and Alyssa, or really just Alyssa who opens the episode auditioning dudes to strip at her bachelorette party.
In advance of the strippers arriving to the house, Tyler asks Alyssa to make sure they don’t sit on any of the furniture. “I don’t want naked dude ass on my stuff,” he says. That’s reasonable. Naked-dude ass can really mess up your upholstery. The sofas at nudist colonies often end up brown, whether they started that way or not.
By getting up close and personal with potential strippers before the party, it at first seems like Alyssa’s spoiling the surprise for herself or something. But she’s clearly having so much fun at the audition…
…that it counts as a separate event in itself. And really, a naked gyrating dude is special every time it happens, no matter how recently you experienced it. Trust me, I’m a bit of an expert on these matters. As for other experts, meet your panel:
The first guy up is Anthony. He’s cute:
Despite impressing early with his horizontal pull-ups…
…it soon becomes clear, in Alyssa’s words, that he doesn’t know what he’s doing…
But you know what? He looks trainable. Could be fun to try!
I didn’t really catch the rest of their names. Who needs names, though, when you’ve got abs?
They quiz this one because they need to know if he’s smart. I don’t know why. Maybe they want to make sure that in the event of an accidental emission during the party, the spilled sperm is of the highest genetic quality? Anyway, this guy doesn’t know who the vice president is. Again, I have to ask: who needs a vice president when you’ve got abs?
No. 3 is my personal favorite.
He’s one for those who like their beef a little juicy.
He’s a face-humper, which works out if you enjoy having your face humped by a hot, juicy, beefy South Jersey guy.
Alyssa says his personality is lacking, but given the evidence we’re privy to, I have to say that Alyssa is so incredibly wrong.
No. 4 impresses everyone by ripping off his shirt.
He simulates sex with Alyssa standing up.
She acts like she isn’t in heaven.
Anyway, the guys line up again, which gives us an excuse to reexamine all of them, especially No. 3.
He makes zipping up one’s fly look so hot. I’d assume he’d make the opposite look even better. Anyway, he doesn’t win, proving once and for all that we have entered Bizarro World. It comes down to No. 1 and No. 4 and they have a strip-off…
For the excitement No. 4 provides alone, he is dubbed winner.
Despite this promising setup, the bachelorette party is mostly a disaster. It all starts when Alyssa’s mom asks for vodka and Red Bull, a drink she likes because it “tastes like Red Bull and that’s it.” I think it’s in everyone’s best interest that Marilyn taste the alcohol as much as possible.
During the home pre-party portion, there are appropriate bachelorette party sights…
…which is to say: inappropriate sights in any other context. And who’s there to exacerbate the inappropriateness? Why none other than…
…Marilyn, of course!
They arrive at a bar. Alyssa’s mom seems cognizant of her drinking’s tendency to cause chaos:
Of course, knowing when to stop and actually stopping are two different matters. Still, it’s at least slightly comforting to know that there’s a higher level of operation going on in Alyssa’s mom. You wouldn’t be faulted for assuming there wasn’t.
The bar outing is not without incident — it seems like everyone’s just dancing with their drinks over their heads and some spills on Alyssa. To hear her tell it, though, “This bitch poured her drink on me.” A water-throwing fight breaks out.
When on VH1, act like VH1 talent, I guess. The incident gets everyone ejected from the bar…
Not that it matters, since they have a party bus with a stripper waiting for them. Why did they even bother with the bar in the first place? Cue the house music and construction worker get-up that would sound enormously gay in virtually any other context!
Words cannot describe what transpires. Screen caps, however, can try:
Some time after the stripper has pulled his penis out, they stop the bus. All signs point to a Wawa parking lot being their pit stop of choice:
I’d know that fake-rock siding anywhere!
Alyssa’s mom leaves the bus to “pee.” She plans on doing things a little different, though: she’s going to pee the food she just ate out of her mouth.
Haha, let’s all laugh at this great time!
Haha, isn’t mouth peeing a gas? Much more so than butt peeing, even!
Oops. Just kidding. This is tragic.
One of Alyssa’s friends attempts to intervene the production because she’s convinced that this shouldn’t be shown on TV.
She keeps saying, “I’m getting naked,” because she thinks they won’t show the footage then, even though I’d venture a guess that she gets so much screen time precisely because of this display, even though she obviously wouldn’t sign a release for participating in the show (hence the blurred-out face). This woman has no idea how any of this works. I can’t think of a more hopeless way to be than being bad at reality TV.
Alyssa’s mom, by the way, has passed out.
Meanwhile the stripper’s like…
…”Yeah, I gotta penis, but I put it away and what?”
And the whole time that there’s endeavor to wake Marilyn from her stupor, Alyssa’s friends (or whatever you want to call them) are at each other’s throats fighting about nothing. Alyssa is a wreck (in addition to being more or less wrecked herself):
She seems surprised — why am I not?
The episode ends with word that Alyssa’s mom is going to the hospital — Alyssa must choose between visiting her there and continuing on with her party. I’d go with the party — you only get one bachelorette party (or two, or a handful). She could visit her drunken mom in the hospital any time.