This is, by far, the most pro-social Gaga going we witness in this episode of My Big Friggin’ Wedding…
Tyler and Alyssa
We resume exactly where we left off last episode: Alyssa’s mom peed everything she ate and drank out of her mouth and passed out next to a house next to a Wawa. That is the South Jersey experience in a nutshell. Alyssa calls her mom’s new boyfriend ranting.
“Your girlfriend, who you stole from a f***ing family, you home-f***ing-wrecker, is passed out. You need to pick her ass up from Shore Memorial hospital.” Fun fact: my sister works as a nurse at that hospital! She didn’t treat Marilyn because she works in the infant unit…although given Marilyn’s apparent maturity and lack of mastery over her facilities, there is a chance that the nursery is where she was admitted.
Anyway, Alyssa’s in a quandary: does she attend the hospital with her mother, effectively putting an early close on her bachelorette party, or does she just continue with the party? The chooses the latter and I cannot say that I blame her. She goes to the Casbah club in the Taj Mahal and attempts to forget what just happened with some homoerotic dancing:
Good for her! Better for her dance partners.
Tyler is up before her the next day. The only sign of her is this framed photo from the night before:
Tyler cleans up as their daughter attempts to close herself in the fridge…
Wow. It’s like if Punky Brewster were real.
Alyssa wakes up in rough shape, but she’s not getting any sympathy from Tyler, because she doesn’t give him sympathy when he’s hung over.
These young couples! They so easily forget that they’re both on the same team.
Alyssa doesn’t know where her mom is, and she’s not going to find out anytime soon because she doesn’t know where her phone is, either. She doesn’t seem particularly bothered by any of this. It turns out that Marilyn texted Tyler and she’s fine — her boyfriend picked her up. Exactly according to Alyssa’s plan. It’s a bachelorette-party miracle! “At least she’s not dead,” is how Tyler puts it. That is both the least and the most you could say about this situation. Alyssa worries about Marilyn’s drinking creating a scene at the wedding. Well, as far as scene-creation goes, it hasn’t let us down thus far.
Alyssa calls her mom.
She is right to be incredulous: Marilyn yells at Alyssa for leaving her behind a dumpster and for stealing money from her. Neither of those things happened, not that Marilyn would know. She was, after all, black-out drunk. Alyssa asks if her mom is bugging. Her mom’s response?
Come on, lady. Not around the kitten.
Unsurprisingly, they hang up soon after this. Tyler notes that her mom doesn’t have any right to be mad about this after all of her bulls***. Yes, exactly. If Alyssa physically tossed her mother in the dumpster she supposedly left her near, she still wouldn’t have a right to be mad. This woman doesn’t have a leg to stand on, nor does she have the equilibrium to do so, even if she did have a leg to stand on.
However, Alyssa does see Marilyn again, when she stops by to see her granddaughter. Alyssa pulls her outside for a chat on the porch.
Alyssa says, “So…” and Marilyn finishes her sentence with, “I’m never talking to you again!” Nice! The bones of Marilyn’s beef seem to revolve around Alyssa not continuing to party after the ambulance was called, but calling the ambulance in the first place. Marilyn should find her way to Judge Judy at some point, if only to give the world the gift of the ability to watch actual smoke spontaneously emit from an actual human being’s ears.
Alyssa informs Marilyn that she has asked her grandfather to walk her down the aisle (you’ll remember that walking down the aisle was a point of contention for these two — Alyssa wanted her stepfather and her mother to walk her down, but since her stepfather and mother have since become estranged, her mother put the kibosh on that). In response to Alyssa’s reveal, Marilyn waves her hand. This is probably a good indication of how involved she’s been in many different areas of Alyssa’s life. She does backpedal a bit by saying that Alyssa asking her grandfather was probably “premature.” On the subject of actually attending the wedding (because that, apparently, is up in the air at this point), Marilyn says she’ll go as long as her ex, Larry, doesn’t. Alyssa has already invited him, and as a parental unit who hasn’t gotten drunk enough to ruin several parties that have taken place in the short amount of time this show spans, Alyssa isn’t going to revoke his invitation any time soon. Marilyn isn’t going. The conversation takes a heated turn, with Alyssa yelling at her mother, “You cheated on your husband with a Coldstone, alcoholic, f***ing loser!” I’m not sure if she actually says “Coldstone,” but I really do think that’s what it is and if so, I love that “Coldstone” is being used as a pejorative. It’s so bad for you anyway!
They move their conversation inside. Marilyn says Alyssa is opinionated. Alyssa says only regarding her because she’s her mom/former best friend. Alyssa says that Marilyn is a different person of late. “Why am I a different person? Because you’re a f***ing bitch!” says Marilyn. I don’t know, blaming someone else for your change in behavior seems like the bitchiest move yet. Alyssa sends Marilyn out of her house and then, once she is gone, mourns the loss of her best friend. Once again, Alyssa ends the episode in sadness, but there’s something so justified about her woe that she never seems particularly dramatic or ridiculous. She’s just trying to sort out what life keeps dealing her the best way she knows how. Hang in there, girl.
Matt and Amanda
It’s their wedding day! Commence the freaking out!
Amanda’s mom is not answering her phone. After several attempts, Matt hatches the brilliant scheme of calling someone else in Amanda’s family. And what do you know? It works! It turns out Amanda’s mom has overslept. She needs to pick someone up and blah blah blah. They’re all running late and it’s the worst day to be doing that. I don’t know if you’ve heard but Matt and Amanda are getting married.
Amanda arrives at the hotel where she is to get her hair and makeup done before the wedding. Matt’s mom is nowhere in sight. Amanda calls her and find out her ETA:
But this is no good because Amanda’s makeup girl has somewhere else to be by then. This being no good is, in turn, no good to Matt’s mom:
They definitely have an easy, stress-free day on their hands. “Your mom is, like, off the hook,” Amanda says to Matt when she calls him. That is literally the case when Matt calls his mom to scream at her and the call drops.
Finally, Matt’s mother arrives with her claws extended.
Literally! She rants about not being kept in the loop.
While the girls prepare, Matt does seem to have a relatively relaxing time — he gets his haircut, he cleans the half-tops out of his car…
…and he picks up Amanda’s father, Joe. They’re held up by a parade, but they bypass it, gun it to the hotel and arrive calm and collected. He’s so cool, he walks in balancing what looks like a plate on his head.
What, he worry?
Maybe a little!
He shows off his seriously hot bod for the cameras after taking his last shower as “a free man.” (He wasn’t nearly as free as he likes to make it sound, but whatever.) He says he feels like he’s on Death Row. Aw, how joyous. As he gets ready, he notes, “I gotta put powder on the munchkins.” Whenever a dude refers to any part of a genitalia as “munchkin,” you know he’s telling the truth. Matt’s a straight shooter, through and through. He makes a joke about getting powder on his pants and people thinking he was doing a bunch of coke. It’s not nearly as good of a joke as the one about his wee balls, though.
Matt waits outside for Amanda by the car that will take them to their wedding venue. When she comes out, she, of course, looks gorgeous.
They take off, leaving Matt’s mother behind to smoke cigarettes and rant.
She rants about needing a ride and the fact that this whole thing is a “clusterf***.” She rants about how obscene it is that they’re waiting for a ride. A big hummer is bringing guests to wedding, “and we’re sitting here with our thumbs up our ass.” At least you know that when she says something is obscene, it most likely is — she seems like a good authority on such matters! “We’re sitting here like a bunch of gavones!” she says. I don’t know what that means, but I think I get it. We also hear her say, “I wanna go home and hug my dog!” But does the dog want that? That’s the real question. Keep in mind that this unending stream of complaints is intercut with shots of Matt and Amanda canoodling gently in their car en route to the wedding. First-rate editing, for sure.
Of course, being picked up and driven to the venue does nothing to silent the complaints of Matt’s mother:
The actual wedding happens, and the whole point of such a lavish, splashy ceremony makes sense when Amanda talks about taking in the emotions of the audience and the entire situation feeling like nothing she’s experienced before.
A highlight happens when Matt is to repeat after the priest, “Amanda, take this ring…” and he instead says, “Amanda, take this expensive ring.” Everyone laughs at the joke, which isn’t a joke so much as the truth. That is, so they say, why it is funny.
When it’s over, Matt reflects on the ceremony saying, “It’s kind of like signing a contract – you’re excited to get that car, but it’s like signing your soul to the devil.” Death row, hell — this is going so great for him already! What’s next? Castration? Save the munchkins!
At the reception, he does seem to get a kick out of the fact that there’s a “Mrs. Me.”
His hired Lady Gaga impersonator comes out and does her think — Amanda thinks this could push the wedding over the edge and make it an affair to remember…and laugh at.
But Not-Gaga did get the party started, and for that, they’ll always be grateful. The reception continues and it seems very much like…a wedding reception. At one point, we watch Matt’s mom whine about about her son leaving her — soon all she’ll have is a dog and a cat. Hey, a thing to hug is a thing to hug. “They shouldn’t go on with their lives! They need Momma!” she says. That’s so sad, I kind of resent her for inflicting that idea upon me. She wins me back by complaining that the cake is “stark and modern.”
When all is done, Matt puts his mom in the car and she says…
“Do you know your wife is Mrs. A. Rawlins just like me? Just like Momma?” That’s just weird. I don’t know where she’s going with that one, and I don’t want to.
Um, but I hope this isn’t the end of Matt and Amanda’s storyline now that their big friggin’ wedding is friggin’ over. I like them! Come back, lovers, come back!
Johnny and Megin
Megin sits with her awesome mother and discusses the dual color schemes of the wedding: black and silver and black and gold.
Megin’s mom is disgusted by this. Megin explains the latter is for Rocky. Megin’s mom says, “He’s a Rocky, lemme tell ya,” referring to Johnny. “And a pig. Black dresses and a pig.” It’s too bad this isn’t a Christmas-themed wedding, because black dresses and a pig would go so well with a partridge in a pear tree. She doesn’t understand why they have to get married. Megin says that then it’s final and they’re not playing house anymore. Megin’s mom says, “It’s fun playing house!”
If you need more of a case for the argument that we’ve just entered Bizarro World, consider this quote:
“I’m trying to find shoes that has suction cups on the bottom, because I’m gonna hang from the ceiling,” says Mom. I have no idea what that means, but this time, I’m intrigued. Let’s hope that she doesn’t let us down, just as she hopes that the suction cups won’t.
Johnny and Megin do a bit of fretting about calling their pastor — he last saw her with another dude, and she’s had two kids out of wedlock. I mean, he’ll probably judge them, but given the state of, oh, every major organized religion (and, let’s face it, the minor ones, too), he probably shouldn’t.
The discussion turns to his imminent bachelor party. “Naked Cowboy’s gonna be there,” he claims. Entertaining in such a capacity would, at least, provide direction for the Naked Cowboy. I dunno, homeboy seems kind of aimless. Johnny talks about his last bachelor party and how it involved his friend having an IV in him. He never explains why. This episode is so full of unsolved mysteries, Robert Stack is sitting up in his coffin with his hand pinching his chin (or what’s left of each).
She lays out the rules: be home by 2, no strippers and no shots. Also: no bright light, no getting wet and no eating after midnight.
Johnny attends his party and soon finds that…
…it’s no kind of party. It seems like a lot of people ditched out. Sad. But hey, his one friend who does attend has a friend…
Three’s company, too.
Johnny rides a mechanical bull with a sexy girl, and then…
…he spends time with even more sexy girls, this time of the naked variety. He rolls up to the strip club at 2, and reveals that he’s done some shots. So basically, he’ll be a gremlin by next episode. So excited!
Joey and Sandra
Oy with these two. They’re having a joint bachelor/bachelorette party, which is probably their first mistake. Isn’t the whole point that you spend the night away from your future spouse, since you’ll be spending virtually every night with them, come marriage? Whatever. It’s not my party, and I’m not going to cry — not because it’s not my party, but because I don’t want to.
Sandara announces that her brother wants to pregame at their place, but Joey is resistant saying, “He’s going to be a mess.” So, already there’s friction. But whatever. Joey is hopeful and even utters to-be famous last words: “For once, it’s going to be a normal night.” It is anything but after their party limo pulls in and everyone starts going crazy:
For no apparent reason, agitation cuts into Joey’s merriment:
And then that agitates Sandra’s brother:
And then that agitates Joey more:
You know where this is going:
Sandra pipes up and you can guess how Joey takes it:
She interviews (alone!) that she will always side with family. This is so reassuring, I almost want to cry.
Now I really want to cry. I’m scared, Mommy!
They have apparently stopped outside of the club location of their party, which is hilarious adjacent to a supermarket. Only in Jersey, kids! Outside of the bus, Joey rants, “Her brother’s ruining everything!” Sigh. Isn’t everyone, though?
Sandra cries outside of the supermarket (not the place where you want to be crying, btw!). She says she is embarrassed. I feel her.
Joey remarks to someone, “That’s what I got for the rest of my life.” I don’t know. Her burden seems heavier for some reason. Joey says to someone, “I am here to have a good time! She’s taking her family’s side over me!” He tells her brother to go home from across the parking lot of the supermarket. This just screams, “Cleanup in Aisle Asphalt!” Joey decides to leave and then he says, “Actually…” He charges back, running like Cha-Ka from Land of the Lost. Sandra tries to intercept him before he can reach her brother and he pushes her out of the way:
And you know, it’s not battering, but this really is not the best look, particularly on TV. Sandra is smart enough to realize as much and she demands the cameras be turned off. This is what we see before we fade to static:
She threatens the camera man that she’s going to break his “f***ing jaw” if he doesn’t turn it off. It would seem, then, that no one is safe. This is literally the wildest party I’ve ever witnessed.