You couldn’t possibly have thought this would end well.
At last, our time with Football Wives comes to a close…but not before arguing as much as can be possibly packed into 22 minutes! Come, let’s watch.
Erin organizes a trip to New York for the women to take as their last hurrah of the season. She informs them of this at a gathering Chanita could not attend. She is notified by speakerphone:
I don’t even know what she’s getting at. I’m just going to guess that Chanita hasn’t been sleeping all season so by this final episode, she’s mighty cranky. #arbitraryguessesforwhypeoplearethewaytheyare
At least, her behavior suggests as much when they do touch down in New York and immediately, there is discord.
Chanita versus everyone who’s nice to Pilar
They sit around a lounge (they lounge around it, even), and after Pilar and Erin get cozy, Chanita becomes angry. She interviews, “Maybe it’s OK for the other women to sit there like Pilar has never done anything to them: not shown up, acted like she was better than us, but fake is nowhere in my vocabulary.” Dawn notes the tension between Pilar and Chanita is so thick, you could cut it with a knife and that “Pilar better hope Chanita doesn’t have one!” Yes, it’s all fun (and not so fun) and games (and not a game!) until someone gets stabbed over, I don’t even know…haughtiness?
Chanita springs up. Dawn follows. They proceed to discuss Pilar in a corner.
I’m happy to report that Dawn is entirely reasonable here! Dawn tells Chanita that Pilar isn’t going to admit any wrong doing, “So you can wait for that, or you can move forward.” Ah, sense that makes sense! Music to my ears. Chanita thinks that putting anger for someone on the back burner is fake. But you know what’s real? Like really real? Jail time. Pilar interviews that she doesn’t care who wants her there and who doesn’t – she’s here to have a good time! Good luck with that.
The next day, the girls find out that Erin has arranged their entry into a private show room typically only open to buyers. Well, smell them! Also, look at them!
Amanda takes a picture of herself and then, after she looks at it reports…
“With a triple chin, isn’t that great?” It’s great that she has a sense of humor about herself, yes.
Maybe not as great, but notable all the same is the slight tension that arises:
Amanda versus Pilar
It isn’t much — Pilar walks by Amanda in the dress she’s seen rocking in this scene…
…and Amanda’s reaction is this:
In an interview Amanda says that Pilar looks like “a mermaid on steroids,” and concludes, “of course she’d like that dress.” I mean, duh. Who wouldn’t want to look like a mermaid on steroids?
Dawn, by the way, gets in on the action:
Class is, indeed, the strife here, and this is a perfect lead-in for…
Dawn versus Pilar
When they enter the car, Dawn’s like, “Let’s go! We got places to go!” despite the fact that Pilar has not yet come out.
She’s still buying things. I don’t know, if these women aren’t jealous of Pilar’s considerable and obvious means (and they might be!), I’ll be jealous for them. I want to look like a juiced up mermaid so badly!
Pilar eventually gets in, they take off, and when the car stops, Dawn and Chanita scurry off by themselves. They find a tattoo shop, at which Chanita says she will dig Pilar out of her skin with some ink. It might just push Pilar further down, but OK.
Chanita’s tattoo will be Biblical so it reminds her that she should “continue to walk in love and forgiveness.” Conversely, it will make her forget about that anti-tattooing part of Leviticus. Or maybe just Leviticus in general. I think we could all use some Leviticus-forgetting. “Anybody who loves Jesus is not afraid to ink it – praise the Lord!” says Chanita. Why should I praise the Lord when the back of Chanita’s neck can to it for me, though?
From the first conflict on this show revolving around Bible study to this Heather-esque move, Jesus really has been the Bret Michaels of Football Wives.
Later, the women gather for a night on the town. Amanda’s not up for it, though, because her leg hurts, probably on account of all the New York City walking and shopping. Being fabulous is hard work. Pilar would seem to agree to as much when she, too, reveals that she won’t be joining in the festivities. This, paradoxically although not surprisingly, incenses her enemies.
Unrelated is the fact that when Brittany interviews that they’re meeting up with Jay, who’s dating Nick Folk…
…her eyes are a shade of blue best described as “Fremen.” Other girls may have the wealth and power, but Brittany’s got the spice.
In the limo, there’s the briefest of tiffs involving…
Dawn versus Erin
“She’s doing something tonight, just not with us,” says Dawn regarding (who else?) Pilar. Erin says that they should focus on the fun group they do have. Dawn becomes very heated, saying she doesn’t like Pilar but, “I’m being nice by even speaking to the bitch.”
Erin changes the subject by discussing the tequila they soon will be drinking. It assuages the rage entirely. Funny, tequila often has the opposite effect.
Anyway, they go out and they have lots of fun in the slightly homoerotic way that women have a good time, or so TV tells me..
Dawn interviews, “I’m not saying it’s easier to have a good time when Pilar’s not here…actually, that’s exactly what I’m saying.” Fantastic! Everybody wins! Chanita says the night took her back to simpler times that weren’t so wrapped in responsibility. I’m guessing that only when she’s dancing does Chanita feel this free.
The next day, Pilar and Melani discuss the unrest within the group.
Pilar tells Melani the other women act like they’re in 3rd grade. But it’s a mature third grade! Melani thinks Pilar needs to open up more. “Why would I continue to cast pearls amongst swine?” wonders Pilar. Ha! Amazing. Pilar really, really is ripped from the pages of a storybook. If only she had the energy to be actually evil, she could put archetypes to shame. Melani sounds like she’s crying when she tells Pilar that every time she comes around, things shut down. Pilar wonders whose fault that is. She and I both! They talk about meeting with the women imminently, and Melani jokes about Pilar throwing banana pudding. What is this, Laugh-In? (They did do that kind of thing on Laugh-In, right?)
We see everyone except Melani and Pilar at dinner.
Chanita has a little surprise inspired by her increased time around Dawn (and her son) that has come as a result of this show:
A charm with a puzzle piece, the symbol for autism. I’m not sure why everyone gets one, but whatever! It’d be nice if it were just for Dawn — that it’s for everyone is extremely nice. It moves Dawn to tears.
And then, Pilar shows up (with Melani) sucking the joy out of Dawn, to hear her tell it.
Dawn versus Pilar
Pilar interviews, “Here we go again.” I’m not sure if that’s prescient or Pavlovian at this point. Dawn tells Chanita she’s ready to go. When asked why, she says it’s because of “unresolved issues.” Melani asks if she’d like to resolve them. As if that’s going to happen! We get a brief shot of the complicated glitter moment that Pilar’s nails are having…
I really like that she eats bread, though.
Dawn brings up the fact that Pilar has said they’re not friends. Pilar interviews about Dawn’s bitterness and the green-eyed monster that’s tearing her up inside. Hmm hmm. She went there! Pilar asks how you can say someone’s your friend if you don’t know them. Chanita points out that she didn’t get to know them. “Why would I keep talking to you if you keep talking about me?” wonders Pilar. These are all seriously excellent points…which just goes to show that their issues are destined to go unresolved.
Pilar says that Chanita is lying. About what? Everything, she says! They fight about who’s miserable — Chanita says Pilar is, Pilar says Chanita is. Chanita says she’s happy and that when Pilar enters the room, she brings it down. Pilar at last resolves, “I’m gonna give you guys what you want.”
She gets up and leaves.
She cries in interview about not living up to people’s expectations. I don’t know, though, I’m pretty satisfied with her season-long performance. And she looks hot as she waits for a cab, to boot.
Back at the table, the strife takes a shocking turn:
Dawn versus Melani
With Pilar gone, Dawn notes, “She has disrespected me in ways.” “OK,” is Melani’s dry answer. “What?” barks Dawn.
Melani brings up Cookiegate and Dawn calling Pilar a bitch after horseback riding. Dawn is incensed that Pilar called her “sweetie.” She says you can call her a bitch, but not sweetie. “I am a bitch. It’s what I am!” she elaborates. OK. So if that’s the case maybe “sweetie” carries the same weight to Dawn as “bitch” would to…virtually anyone else? In that case, Pilar basically did call her a bitch, she was just sly about it.
Melani wonders if Dawn walks into a law firm all, “Bitch this and bitch that.” Dawn points at her and says, “You’re disrespecting my career. Stop!”
You know it’s serious when they bust out the pointer. It’s even more serious when they stand.
Dawn asks Melani what if she talked about her singing, before storming out herself and…
…getting a hot, waiting-for-taxi shot of her own.
She doesn’t get that taxi, though. There’s still plenty of bickering to be had. Dawn says that Melani’s comments were more disrespectful than any of Pilar’s actions. This was, of course, filmed before Dawn got to watch back the scene of Pilar referring to her as “swine.” Even in the context of a cliche, that is some s***. Melani joins Dawn and tries to tell her that she wasn’t trying to demean her.
She’s practically grovelling and Chanita says…
Melani implores Dawn not to let this tiff go beyond this sidewalk. “I don’t care what Chanita says…” continues Melani, referring to Chanita’s, “Hmm…” which, obviously gives Chanita an excuse to be outraged.
“I’m tired of being ran over!” she says. She continues with an impassioned rant: “We ain’t gotta be friends. If you’re not gonna take up for me when it matters, when I am the loud, ghetto girl, when my feelings are hurt, then we not friends! Believe it!” That reads as brief, but it seriously plays out as epic. This isn’t a game, she says — it’s her life. No matter that so much of her life does revolve around what is, in fact, a game.
Everyone parts ways. Melani feels like she lost some of her friends and she doesn’t know where they go from there. Here’s a visual to go with the confused feeling of isolation:
One by one, we see the women check out and give their final peace on the season/what just transpired. Dawn calls the trip a nightmare. She says while she’ll always be a football wife, maybe it’s time to move on. That’s positive!
Chanita loves all these women and this experience taught her about herself. “At this point, it’s time to walk away,” she says. That’s…what Dawn said. But still: positive. Pilar reports, “Some of these women are mad about where they ended up in life and it’s sad, because even in your have-not situation, you have a heck of a lot more than a lot of people around you.” That is true. Yet another pearl of wisdom put before us viewer swine.
Amanda says, “God always says, when two or more are gathered, there he is. Are we even gonna have two left?” Well, there’s only one way to find out. Ask him yourself!
When you get high enough up, yell out the window. Given the close confines of a plane, you’re bound to get some answer, and if you close your eyes, you can pretend it’s anyone talking. Even God!