How’s this for revenge?
Megin and Johnny
Where were we?
Oh right. Johnny’s doing shots at a strip club well past his curfew. Sadly, all that rule-breaking hasn’t resulted in a gremlin just yet. I want to see a gremlin! Johnny arrives home after 4. He assures us that the one rule he didn’t break is spending a lot of money. Oh, I’m sure the strippers loved him. One person who does love him, Megin, is “disgusted” when he informs her that he was just at Harem.
The next day, he is unsurprisingly hung over. They discuss his night out in greater detail.
Megin thinks going to a strip club is “disgusting.” “I mean, you have all these girls and you’re seeing their private parts,” is her rationale. I think this is a case of fiance’s trash being the other’s treasure in the most literal possible way next to the subject at hand being actual garbage. “You go to Harem, which is like the worst,” nags Megin. Johnny responds with an authoritative, “NO.” Clearly, this is a man who has seen the worst. I trust him. Johnny tells Megin that the stripper that he spent the most of his time with wasn’t his type because she was blonde. And to assuage Megin’s concerns about hygiene, he explains that she was clean because he put soap all over her. Very, very reassuring that must be. But then it turns out that it was actually body paint. And that he squirted it up her butthole. The last fact is revealed to God in an impromptu prayer Johnny performs after Megin labels him a sinner.
But oh, how the tables turn because soon enough, it is time for Megin’s bachelorette party. She makes a show of removing her ring, which of course angers Johnny.
“No ring equals free drinks!” Megin says. We already heard her say that in an earlier episode, and I have a feeling she’ll be saying it for years to come. On the subject of where Megin and her girls will be partying, Johnny says, “You ain’t doin’ none of that sausage stuff. You ain’t goin’ to a sausage factory tonight.” Maybe she’s sick of meatballs. Let that girl spread her wings and her palate! Obviously, as Megin is preparing to go to a male strip club, double standards are afoot. To be fair, we watched her moments ago talk about how “disgusting’” strip clubs are. But then, there’s strip-club enthusiast Johnny trying to argue that male strip clubs are “completely different.” He says male strip clubs have on every chair men who are naked except for a sock made of leather with beading. As if that’s a deterrent! He also says that the action goes a little something like this at male strip clubs:
I don’t know, that still sounds fun.
He also says that Megin will have to put a dollar between a stripper’s balls. Like, pressing into the sac with the balls on each side of the bill? Megin says she doesn’t want to, but he says she’ll have to. He shows her what she’s in for.
In the words of Mae West in Myra Breckinridge, ya gotta taste all the fruit. How is it that Johnny knows so many particulars of male strip clubs, anyway?
Megin suits up for the party…
In the car, she still doesn’t know where they’re headed. “All I gotta say is hammock,” reveals one of her friends. And then, as though it’s needed, another chimes in with, “Banana hammock.”
And that it is:
Initially, Megin is dazzled.
Someone makes an “It’s Raining Men” reference, which couldn’t be a more appropriately gay anthem for this outing. That same person probably thinks that “Y.M.C.A.” is about good, clean fun with no homoerotic subtext whatsoever. The women are introduced to the stylings of Commando Sergio. Megin is brought on stage, where her nose is then squished by muscle:
She doesn’t seem overwhelmingly into it, actually:
This is not guilt taking control — she reveals that she’s wearing “tighty whities” (I don’t even know what that means in terms of women’s apparel) and a skirt, so she didn’t want to open her legs. That explains the knee-licking, I guess. And really, the knee-licking could be another reason she wasn’t into this. Who does that? Anyway, she arrives home before 3. Whether she pushed a dollar bill between a dude’s testicles, we’ll never know.
When we see them next, they’re in the presence of Megin’s mother. Megin has received her dress and tries it on. Meanwhile, Johnny talks to mom about the roast pig he wants at his wedding. He says he wants to serve corndogs and that the wedding will have a boardwalk theme. Megin’s mom is not amused.
Megin’s mom interviews that marrying Johnny is not a good idea — he doesn’t have a job and she has to pay for the wedding. She makes her voice heard to Megin herself when she asks, “Why are you getting married?” Megin says it’s because she really loves Johnny. “Yeah, so?” is her mother’s response. Cue the sad trombone!
Danny and Tammie
Their storyline this week literally starts like this: Tammie goes, “Danny, come here…” and then we see:
Arm-flailing chaos. Danny explains that Tammie’s mad because he was looking for strippers for his bachelor party. “Escorts!” yells Tammie.
Danny says he’s 40 and doesn’t know the difference between strippers and escorts. As a still-virile 40-year-old, it’s almost his job to know the difference. He’s lying or a late-bloomer. Oh, the most hilarious thing about this episode-long strife is that so much of the arguing happens in interview. I’m sure the producers had fun that day.
It’s nice to watch a wedding show featuring two people are are actually in love, right? She throws what looks like crumbs at him, and then gets in her car and pulls away leaving Bella on the lawn. She looks so lonely! Someone get her a stuffed animal to hump! Anyway, it turns out that Tammie’s just going to work so, duh, she couldn’t bring Bella…but I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that she, at one point, tried.
Anyway, it’s time for the bachelor party, which Danny calls the best part of getting married. I’m sure he thinks the second-best part is the prenup. And the third is the amount of times he gets to say, “snow blower” in reference to the second. Anyway, as Danny rides to the strip club his party is obviously going to take place at, Tammie BBMs him:
You can probably guess his response:
“I’m going to tell Tammie that I’m going to become a United States citizen. I don’t really need her,” he says. Aw! I love how he and his wife have now revealed their respective motivation for marrying. Real straight shooters, these two, as far as the audience is concerned.
Anyway, after stopping at a steakhouse, Danny hits the strip club and it’s a blur of ball-crushing fun.
To be fair, a number of scenes that we’ve seen throughout the season could have resulted in Danny laid out on the floor with money all around him and moaning about getting tortured.
He returns home to a still-angry Tammie. He finally finds his way into bed, and his stumbling in the dark is intercut with an interview of her explaining that he smelled different that night, like strippers. “Baby powder and ass,” is how Tammie puts it. The girl’s still got it!
Tyler and Alyssa
The big news this week?
This is announced at a barbecue Alyssa is having. Marilyn explains that she slept over Larry’s house the night before. “He just whisked me into bed!” is how she tells it. She interviews that they got back together yesterday. He says, “Yeah, yesterday,” in a way that implies that it, in fact, wasn’t yesterday. Well, whatever!
The major event of the barbecue is that it comes out that Marilyn gave Alyssa her wedding ring(s) (?) (they keep saying “wedding rings” – does your engagement ring count as a wedding ring once you’re married) to sell so that she could afford a ring of her own. Larry is mad at this, but Marilyn obviously never thought it would matter again. Kind of a black-out moment even if she wasn’t drunk, no?
Alyssa and Tyler meet with Tyler’s buddy who will be marrying them.
Tyler wants him to mention their “untraditional” path of having a child before marriage. More and more, that’s becoming a tradition, though. Teen Mom taught me that! Alyssa thinks that’s unnecessary. Tyler wonders why. He says they wouldn’t be getting married if they hadn’t had their daughter.
It’s funny to think of this as a shotgun wedding that they were just really slow about. That is some Matrix s***. Alyssa chalks Tyler’s insensitivity up to his drinking. They bicker about it. He says she’s out of line and calls her “Marilyn.” I don’t know, though — if his drinking is causing the problem, wouldn’t he be the Marilyn of this situation?
Joey and Sandra
It’s the day after their bachelor/bachelorette party and Sandra is mourning:
“I just wanted the testosterone to stop!” she says on the rowdy events of the night before.
She’s really torn up about it. This is basically a double-punishment since the strife between Joey and her brother was not at all of her doing. That must have sucked enough. “Who gives a s***? The night is over,” says Joey. You decide if he’s a pragmatist or just insensitive. Joey says he’s resolved things with Sandra and he doesn’t even care anymore about what happened with her brother. “Stop caring!” he commands her. Still deciding? Joey does propose that they attempt to get along for the next week and a half. Hopefully he has the restraint in him.
He seems to as we flash forward to their wedding day.
Joey has a shirtless beer to prepare.
This is one of three times that we see him drinking:
“On your wedding day, there’s nothing wrong with drinking before 9 am,” he interviews. And really, when you have an entire reality crew around to document your every movement (and in this case, sip), why should you hold off on drinking? They’ll remember things for you!
Anyway, Sandra is excited!
She talks about all the eating she plans to do, after having to give up chocolate for two months to fit into her dress. It was all worth it, as she’s lovely enough to make her dad cry:
Joey interviews that he can’t wait to see her non-chocolate-eating ass in her dress. When they finally do come face to face…
…he likes what he sees. “Her whole body, not just her ass, her whole body looked amazing in that dress,” he interviews. Sandra responds with a truly flattered, “Thank you.” It may be the nicest thing we’ve ever heard him say to her. It may be the nicest thing he’s ever said, period.
Sandra has a little freak out when they’re getting their pictures done and the guests start to arrive. Joey calls this a “diva moment.” It passes quickly. They wed without incident:
“Victory is ours, we’re done!” says Sandra. The way she wields her bouquet at the reception would suggest as much.
As they walk through the line of the bridal party, Joey’s groomsmen tap his balls.
They wait till after he’s married? Guys can be so lazy and slow on the uptake!
Anyway, this wedding is described as “Old Hollywood glamor meets The Godfather meets the craziest party you’ve ever been to in your life.”
There are feathers everywhere, but more importantly, there is a cheese sculpture:
I love expensive, cheesy things! Sandra says this was the wedding of her dreams. “We act like we hate each other but deep down we really do care a lot about each other,” she adds.
For everyone’s sake, let’s hope this is true.