The couple that extracts together, stays together.
Happily ever after… yeah, right. I mean, yeah, right! The first season of What Chilli Wants was reality television’s most chaste dating adventure: separate bedrooms, no on-camera kisses, lots of questions about religion and God. After her pickiness and take-things-slow-ness last season, I thought that when she finally picked the one, he’d be THE ONE. Alas, she’s still single at the open of What Chilli Wants 2. I’m so naïve.
Tionna, who looks very pretty and very pissed off for the season premiere, doesn’t over-analyze Chilli’s dating problems: “It was that damn checklist,” she spits.
To recap, Chilli’s future mate:
– Can’t drink or smoke
– Has to love God
– Has to be superfine
– Can’t eat pork
There was also the “can’t be a little man” requirement, which is no little requirement indeed. Tionna must expand to a nationwide search this season because Atlanta is too small a dating pool for Smalls. By season three she will be going door-to-door like the Census.
Another difference between this season and last: Tionna says she plans on listening to Chilli more. Chilli for her part makes no such changes or promises. In fact, it’s going to be even harder to find her a husband this season, because of this guy:
Floyd Mayweather. He ended his run by standing Chilli up for a date early in the season. It helped convince Chilli that he wasn’t worth waiting for. Somehow he’s “still in the picture.” Literally. He will be all over the pictures this season. It’s frustrating for Tionna, because he’s like a hot, hot cancer that’s attached himself to Chilli.
“Today I’m going to the OB-GYN,” Chilli says at the start of the next segment. Already, things are heating up! Chilli is 39 and wants to have another child. “Time is of the essence,” her gynecologist warns her. She may look 25, but they say you can always tell a woman’s age by the wrinkles on her hands and her uterus.
Next her doctor reveals this chart:
It shows your diminishing chance of pregnancy as you get older. Note how it slopes down and down, until it probably goes below zero, then straight to hell.
He recommends getting a sperm donor and suggests that she could even look at a catalog of potential inseminators. Such is life at 39: looking at all men as potential sources for sperms. She refuses to do this. Next suggestion: freezing her eggs and holding them until she finds a guy she likes, then they can be put into her uterus, all fertilized and pasteurized and everything. She calls this fairly standard fertility procedure “something out of a horror movie.”
Instead Chilli wants to do it “the old fashioned way.” You know, meet a guy, date him on cable TV. Besides, if she’s going to objectively look at a catalog of men for the purpose of having a child, that catalog is going to come from Tionna.
Then we hear from Tionna, who explains her methods this time around while a montage of incredibly good-looking guys rolls. Tionna will take their photos and send them back to Chilli to peruse. It’s pretty much a sperm donor catalog, with a lot of extra steps. Anyway, a preview of the men we’ll meet this season:
Moving on! Floyd and Chilli go to get joint facials. She says that even though he stood her up she forgives him because he had “personal stuff” going on. Funny how she doesn’t compromise with anyone except this guy. You know, the one guy who is not going to compromise and commit to her. “If Floyd could be like this all the time, this is the guy I want to be with forever,” she says. As an example of his charm, she says she went to the OB-GYN and he’s like:
Uterus or juicebox, Chilli still wants a baby in it. He tells her that she can have kids whenever she wants (Floyd is also a doctor, haven’t you heard?), and she asks if he wants more babies. He won’t answer. But he does tell her any man that gets to be with her is lucky. Very romantic.
Floyd evades her over and over again, claiming he doesn’t want to be hurt, that he’s scared of having his heart broken. Thankfully Chilli sees through this crap.
Still, you can see why she likes him him. Later Floyd takes Chilli to a jewelry store and buys her a pair of $14,000 earrings.
It’s not an unusually large amount of money for someone like Mayweather. More unusual:
Keeping your wallet in another man’s backpack. As far as positions in the entourage go, wallet carrier is just one step above weed carrier.
Chilli is touched, but tries not to act too smitten. Notice, however, that she’s wearing the earrings in pretty much every scene for the rest of the episode:
Tionna interviews that she is not impressed by this gesture. “Ladies, raise your hands if your friend ever bought you a pair of $14,000 earrings,” she says. True, friends don’t do that. BEST friends do that.
First stop on Tionna’s mating tour brings her to Brazilian Indy 500 race car driver Raphael Matos.
According to Tionna, his two biggest advantages over Floyd are a head full of hair (as you can see above, Floyd doesn’t even have an armpit full of hair), and Tionna in his corner. Another advantage is that Raphael wears a jumpsuit to work. It’s why women love Elvis, astronauts, and garbage men.
The idea of breaking up Floyd and Chilli’s time together is too delicious, so Tiona invites Raphael to Atlanta right away. And he shows up, right away.
Meanwhile, Chilli grills Floyd at the restaurant. She interviews that she knows Floyd loves her and that she loves Floyd. But at the restaurant he can’t give her an answer on the status of their relationship. Or rather, he can’t give her the answer he wants. He is full of sweet, sweet words:
Nothing is sexier than a man talking to his own penis at the dinner table.
Only one thing shuts him up:
Thought Chilli would be upset about Tionna bringing a potential date to a very real date with Floyd?
Nope! Desserts are on the house!