Perfect ending, y/y?
Tyler and Alyssa
It’s two days before the wedding and Alyssa notices that Tyler’s phone is blowing up. She checks it (and he doesn’t even get mad about that or anything!), only to find out that their wedding planner Tony has texted Tyler 50 times.
Somewhere in there, he revealed that he no longer wants to be their wedding planner. Alyssa melts down all over the place.
In between sobs, Alyssa wonders aloud, “How terrible of a person is he? What kind of a person would do that?” A douchebag! None of this particularly surprises me — Tony announced himself as such almost immediately. Remember when he mocked Alyssa’s wedding dress to the the point of her tears? Well, the tears flow once again. Par for the course, if you ask me.
She finally gets him on the phone:
The words are his, and the tears are Alyssa’s, as usual.
Now, Tony really does seem like a bona fide jerk, but to be fair, the main bone he has to pick with Alyssa is that she’s done nothing that he’s asked, and we have seen first-hand proof of her planning incompetence in multiple episodes of this show. She tells him that she’s 22 and doesn’t know what the f*** she’s doing. Lame excuse, although if she did know what the f*** she was doing, she wouldn’t need a wedding planner at all. So at least she isn’t lying. She tells him she’s sorry, but her tone in interview is far from apologetic:
She has her own to-do list for Tony: 1. Show up at her wedding, 2. Do his job, 3. Go f*** himself. She wants this done in that order, which is why she’s playing nice now. Smart girl, as always (although hiring him was a rare miss). When she hangs up the phone, she says, “That motherf***er!” That she’s playing him makes me respect her even more.
She shows up at his pad the next day and he instructs her on how to assemble the place cards. Before that, he gives her a long hug.
She says she can feel the fakeness pouring out of him. I wonder if he felt hers? He leaves her to her work: bagging up rock candy for people’s cards.
She feels like she should have a bridesmaid helping her with this (she isn’t wrong!) and that she should be getting pampered on the day before her wedding. And so, she goes and does just that.
‘Atta girl, I say!
We next see Alyssa rehearsing in the presence of Tony. She wants to punch him in the face. I can’t believe it took her this long to feel that way! Anyway, as her grandfather rehearses giving her away, he makes the mistake of kissing Tyler on the cheek, as well as her.
Everyone has a laugh, though, and Tyler says it’s all good since old people kissing anything is inherently funny.
They’re staying in Atlantic City for the night (since that’s where they’re getting married), and Tony warns Alyssa of drinking the night before her wedding. Alyssa does not care what Tony has to say at all. Once again, I say: ‘atta girl!
Before their night out, Alyssa yells at the AC whores on the street below her hotel room:
Tyler and his boys seem to do much the same thing, as they’re heard shouting, “What time is it? Time to get some new threads.”
You know how it is with hookers: no matter what they’re wearing, they should be wearing something different.
Then, they party:
Clearly, they’re saving very little for the wedding night.
The next day…
…Alyssa is, of course, hungover.
Like, really hungover. Her makeup and hair girl comes in and, in one of the thickest South Jersey accents we’ve heard thus far, wonders, “So I got my work cut owlt?” Indeed yooow dew.
Meanwhile, Tyler and his boys hit the bars to get totally trashed before his wedding. People, clearly, are in awe of his drinking:
But, as Tyler explains, there’s no point in taking time off from getting trashed. It will only result in getting tired. Best to keep the ball rolling, supposedly. And actually, it ends up working for him just fine, so whatever: he’s the expert. Seriously, Tony, eff off:
Meanwhile, Alyssa feels like she could cry “at the drop of a dime.” I don’t even want to know what kind of catastrophe would ensue if you tossed a hat in there. The event is imminent and Tony says it’s so big, it’s comparable to “Levander Holyfield and Mike Tyson.” Seriously, he says, “Levander.”
The wedding begins. Tyler is pleased with how well Alyssa mixes her good face with her sexiness.
A good face and sexiness really are two great tastes that taste great together. Their wedding goes off without a hitch and is obviously punctuated with a great, big kiss. On that, Tyler interviews, “I think I slipped a little tongue in there. Ya got to.” Especially in Atlantic City. They arrest you if you don’t slip a little tongue in anywhere it fits in AC.
The reception seems to go well at first. Alyssa’s mother and stepfather are, of course, ridiculous and they don’t care who knows it:
We get to hear more people using their South Jersey accents for the forces of good (i.e. to say the word “luge” as in “ice luge”).
But then, Alyssa starts getting word that a number of her guests don’t have place cards to pick up. But wasn’t she in charge of those? Regardless, she rants about this within earshot of Tony, who then interviews, “I got slapped in the face again by this little bitch.” Nice! I have a feeling that Tony’s on-screen behavior is winning him more fans by the minute. People are probably knocking down his door, begging him to be terrible to them at their weddings, too. When Alyssa confronts him about the card mix-up, he says the list she sent him was the list that was put on. “Sorry, I’m not coming out. I’m done. I’m leaving,” he adds. She tells him he’s being childish and he says he doesn’t care how she feels. Egocentric, just like a child!
Alyssa leaves the room, but soon must once again track down Tony who has begun to take down lights from around the reception. She tells him to stop and that he’s a “a terrible, terrible person.” Well, I mean, come on: he isn’t boiling babies. But yeah, it really seems like he’s being petulant just cuz. He says he’s leaving, she says she’s canceling his check, he says he’s taking her to court and she says that’s fine — she’ll win. I would love to see the rest of this story play out on Judge Judy. Fingers crossed!
Alyssa interviews, “Is this everything I dreamed of? Absolutely not. I didn’t dream of a retarded wedding planner, but that’s not what it’s about.” Of course not. Another thing that it isn’t about: a seemingly inexplicable fight that breaks out between Larry and Marilyn .
He calls her a “slut” and a “hoe bag” maybe a “c***sucker” and definitely a “bitch.” And here, I thought Larry was the good guy! Alyssa breaks this up using some harsh words of her own:
They both apologize and that’s that. We see no further incidents, which is great because I’m not sure that Alyssa’s tear ducts could withstand anything else. Alyssa says that she’s happy to be marrying Tyler and she knows everything will be perfect for the rest of their lives. After all this, she’s still holding onto idealism? This woman is a superhero. I’d wish her luck, but I doubt she needs it.
Danny and Tammie
We rejoin this couple the night before their wedding, which Tammie says feels like Christmas Eve. Disappointingly, she is not drunk on eggnog as she makes the following proclamation: people are talking about her wedding all over Facebook and it should be on 1010 WINS or News 12. By the way, as she says this, the baby she’s holding has its face blurred:
It probably wouldn’t sign the release. Damn babies!
The next day is her day! Although, as she points out to a hairdresser who says as much, everyday is Tammie’s day. She has her hair done and loves it, saying it is exactly what she envisioned:
Clearly, Tammie dreams big.
She has a note sent to Danny, which is actually a lot nicer and more affectionate than you might suspect:
So, it’s true love, after all.
Tammie stands alone in her room in nothing but her veil and panties (you know, as one does) and calls for some help…
Then begins the freaking out. Here, I’ll enumerate each freak out for your ease:
Tammie Freak Out No. 1
Her veil gets caught on the back of her dress, sending her into a tizzy. She is able to calm down quickly and note, “You have to see the pictures I took on your bed. Just my underwear holding my boobs. Gorgeous.” No surprise there that she thinks so!
Tammie Freak Out No. 2
She wants her programs handed out early, so she has her wedding coordinator go to the church. Her wedding coordinator returns a half hour later, because she got lost. Tammie’s reaction may be over-the-top but at least it’s somewhat justified in this case — that coordinator needs to coordinate herself a cell phone, stat. However, she is still pretty awesome. Tammie confronts her, saying, “You guys aren’t there yet?” Her response?
Tammie Freak Out No. 3
When she finally gets to the church and begins walking down the aisle, the music stops abruptly for several awkward seconds. Tammie doesn’t bare her teeth or anything (really this barely counts as a freak out), but the look on her face says everything. “How do you get over that? You don’t get over it!” she says in an interview. I guess she’s still mourning the temporary loss of music. RIP!
Oh, she also says her wedding ceremony is the “worst” she’s ever been to in her whole life, and seems to take primary issue with its duration (she wanted an hour; she got 25 to 30 minutes):
Well, let’s hope this isn’t an omen and Tammie enjoys her marriage more than her wedding.
The reception gets her approval, though — she says it’s the classiest and best wedding that Long Island has ever seen.
She complains a little about the attention she received upon fist-pumping her way out to join the crowd…
She now understands “celebrity status” and why people flip out on the paparazzi. If she thought the well-wishes of people she invited were bad, I wonder how she dealt with any attention she received as a result of this show. Perhaps she has gnashed her teeth so much in the time this show has been running, there’s nothing left in her mouth but gums and insults for Danny’s children.
Not long passes before…
Tammie Freak Out No. 4
She has prepared a slide show of photos to play at the wedding, but the DJ plays Latin music along with them, which apparently is wrong, wrong, wrong (she wanted Alicia Keys’ version of “Empire State of Mind,” to be precise, although she refers to it as “New York State of Mind,” which is a long way off still from Latin music, but still confusing). She makes such a big deal about it, she embarrasses Danny:
She confronts the DJ, who tells her to be nice to him.
This leads to…
Tammie Freak Out No. 5
She’s basically screaming and crying at this point (and threatening — she interviews that she’ll put cement boots on the DJ and throw him in the Hudson).
It’s a scene, yes, but after being coddled by several friends and relatives, Tammie calms down, rejoins the party and dances her troubles away. Until, that is, it’s time to go home…
Tammie Freak Out No. 6
She attempts to board her limo to go home and finds that it’s full of Danny’s children. Beaming smiles and sunshine at her, no doubt. “This is supposed to be for us!” she shrieks.
In an interview, Danny talks about how his kids come first. Tammie disagrees, saying it’s impossible. No really, it isn’t.
Tammie then must ride in the front seat, which obviously obliterates the entire point of being in a limo:
This kind of comeuppance is far too rare. For Tammy, this marks an unhappy ending. Everyone else, including the viewers, is undoubtedly ecstatic.
And that’s it for My Big Friggin’ Wedding! If you’re curious about a follow-up, you can check out Joey and Sandra’s blog on their big day (as chronicled in Episode 8). And that’s it. Don’t get married without a prenup, and may all your weddings be white!