Finally, the parade of hot, young, eligible men on What Chilli Wants is beginning. I hope no one rains or boxes all over it!
First, there’s some raining on Floyd Mayweather’s parade. Continuing from the season premiere: “Tionna is not slick,” Chilli says of Tionna Smalls strolling into the middle of her date with Floyd. Coming in on her own, this would be unslick and socially oblivious. But bringing a man with her for Chilli? That’s not unslick, that’s awesomely devious.
It looks like Tionna also didn’t tell Raphael Matos, the Indy race car driver that Tionna’s picked up, that they’d be interrupting Chilli during dinner, because his reaction to the back of Floyd’s head flashes from confusion to embarrassment.
Floyd isn’t slick either. In fact, he crosses from unslick to rude when he meets Raphael. “You got an Indy car, I got a car lot,” he tells Raphael. I wonder, does Floyd think this threatens his friendship or his manhood? To drive the money thing home, he also spends a few minutes staring lovingly at his own ring.
Floyd then describes Raphael’s hair as “Chia pet” too, because it’s thick and long and a lame Christmas gift.
Tionna’s next on Floyd’s insult list, and he calls her own engagement ring something out of a bubblegum machine. This is so strange, since money can usually buy you class. But the insults only make Tionna happy, because she knows she’s angered Floyd. Then she interviews that “there’s guys that’s keepable and there’s guys that’s f***able.” Floyd Mayweather, she says, is the latter. What would he say to that? “Thank you?”
Despite the awkwardness of the scene, Chilli is smitten. She notices that Raphael kisses her on his way in and on the way out: “Real suave,” she calls it. I call it common potential-date courtesy.
But Tionna is convinced that Chilli’s still not open to dating as she claims to be. Proof?
This guy again! Yesterday’s news. In fact, last season’s news. He just got here? I’m bored already.
Tionna wants to know why things didn’t work out between Bill and Chilli, because he was “a good piece of ass.” As if Bill was a pair of suede shoes that Chilli left in the rain, or a carton of milk with a few more days before it expired. What a waste!
Bill says he felt like he was battling for her attention and her affection. That’s it. Things just…ended. “At the end of the day, I don’t think she was everything that she wanted,” he says. What were his sins? Pork eating? Small peen having? He doesn’t elaborate.
Tionna says she met with Bill so she could figure out what she did wrong, but she comes to conclusion you know she would: she did fine. Amazing, even. Chilli messed up. “You did him dirty,” Tionna tells Chilli over lunch. Things go from sweet…
…fast. Chilli protests, arguing that they still hang out sometimes, which they wouldn’t do if Bill were mad at her. Flawless logic! Scorned ex-lovers have never hung around waiting for men/women to change their mind. Tionna threatens to hold out on guys unless she changes her dating ways. They argue some more, but, unlike their other dinner argument, no carbs are injured.
That said and totally unsettled, Chilli heads off to her date with Raphael. She greets him by calling him Mr. Extremely Handsome. It’s a good sign. Other good signs:
— Chilli greets him with a long, lingering hug. See “extremely handsome,” above.
— She turns into a nervous schoolgirl every time they make eye contact. Again, see above.
— He wipes crumbs off her face. Once more, he doesn’t even eat them. Very classy.
— While he’s drinking water she makes uncontrollable outbursts like “Mmm!” “Woo!” and “Damn!” She’s playing this one close to the chest, obviously.
Finally, Raphael says he likes children and wants to have children. Chilli looks like she wants to make children with him, right now. These two would have beautiful children with obscene amounts of curly hair.
He invites her down to Miami to see his race. Chilli says maybe and he something about having to “fulfill [her] expectations.” It doesn’t sound hot unless you hear it in Raphael’s Brazilian accent, and unless you hear it coming out of Raphael’s Brazilian face. And so, it’s very hot.
Tionna and Chilli meet up to discuss her date and see the other candidates. Unlike last season, Chilli’s found someone she has chemistry with right away. But Tionna brings her laptop so Chilli can see footage of the other guys she’s picked out.
“It’s time I showed her my damn hard work,” Tionna says. True, flying around the country to meet models and DJs and take photos of their abs isn’t exactly coal mining, but it’s work of some kind. And it’s smart to do all this pre-screening since she doesn’t want another Bill/all-of-last-season situation. Chilli tells her about Raphael’s invite, and Tionna pushes her to fly out there. “What else does she got to do in Atlanta?” she argues. It makes Chilli’s life sound so exciting, doesn’t it? Drop all that nothing you do and go to Miami, girl!
The laptop comes out. The first guy, the DJ, tells Chilli that they’re going to cross some things off the list. Well, not check them off as much as use white out on them. She’s open to this.
She’s doesn’t comment on the other guys, either, even though they’re eager to show off for her.
Chilli is dubious of the catalog of men until:
It’s his personality, surely.
The next night Chilli meets up with Floyd to visit Six Flags Over Georgia. It’s normally closed, but he has it opened up just for them. “I love roller-coasters,” Chilli says. She must be referring to those both real and emotional! She’s immediately disappointed that their date includes security guys, entourage, wallet carriers, etc.
Floyd barely walks or talks with her. He finally sits down with her later. “Do you think we’ll always just be here…this friendship?” she asks. He starts talking about getting hurt and wanting to protect himself and the same old Floyd talk. “Should I just close that door on you?” she asks, and he shuts up. It’s so frustrating that you just want to grab his jaw and make him talk.
The sad piano music starts, and it’s extra sad because we’re watching Chilli beg some guy to date her. So uncomfortable. “I’m not going to just sit around and wait,” Chilli says, while definitely sitting around and waiting for him to respond.
Then they go back to his hotel and order room service. She considers this closure:
Eating dinner alone while he naps on the coach. Why bother getting married when she can get this for free?
Finally, Chilli calls Raphael to say she’s heading to Miami to see him.
Good decision! Good television! Goodbye Floyd!