Also, does this show have a tagline? Because this should be it.
Tionna and Chilli have come to Miami to check out Raphael Matos’s race. They are glad to be in Miami for as Chilli says, “a much-needed vacation.” To me, getting couples facials and going to Six Flags is hardly the grind, but whatever! Screening the future father of your unborn babies is work of a different kind.
Remember, Matos is the hot Brazilian race car driver that Tionna introduced to Chilli to get Floyd Mayweather off her mind. Floyd who? Exactly. Chilli explains why she decided to come to Miami: “Raphael is beyond sexy. Raphael is fine as hell.” Tionna is happy, but says she won’t put all her eggs in Raphael’s basket just yet, although Chilli is getting very close to putting all her ovaries in his. Tionna has actually set up a date with a second guy in Miami — Scott, the ponytailed exotic car guy that Tionna met on her manhunt.
“Does he come across like he has values?” Chilli asks about Scott. “I was so blinded by the sexiness that I didn’t pay attention too much to the values,” Tionna says. Look, who needs values when you’ve got blinding sexiness?
As an aside to their opening poolside scene: honestly I can’t tell if Chilli actually likes swimming or likes showing off her abs, which are extremely show-offable. I am starting to doubt that Chilli is a 39-year-old mom. I think she’s telling people she’s 39 to get into bars.
Tionna leaves to pre-screen Scott. She asks him about kids, but he’s only got a cat, he says. Just to reiterate: Scott is a 40-year-old man with no kids and one cat. He’s probably the only straight 40+ single male cat owner in Miami who isn’t a retiree or widow. They continue to discuss Chilli’s ever-persistent list, down to the last, itty bitty detail:
He says he’s Greek, “if that helps.” Yeah, it helps if you’ve been living by little-known penis racial stereotypes. But I love the boldness of his response, even if it was preceded by the slightest flicker of nervousness:
“My fiancé would kill me, but if you pull it out I won’t turn around,” Tionna says. Remember, it’s not cheating if you just happen to be facing in the general direction of an exposed member.
After this Tionna decides she likes Scott, because “…he’s cool, he’s chill, and he’s not a punk,” the essential qualities that appear nowhere on Chilli’s list. “You’d be a challenge to her ass right now,” Tionna tells him. And Scott says he’s ready to “Go all in.” Are they still talking about his penis size? I can’t tell. (They aren’t.)
Chilli heads to the racetrack early to spend a little time with Raphael before the race. He gives her a little something to wear:
He also warns her that he likes to drive fast. Bad in real life, good for a professional race car driver. I can’t tell if he’s speaking in metaphor or just making observations. Something is getting lost in translation.
Just like on their first date, Chilli is so obviously, school-girlishly, smitten with him.
They get ready to drive. Once Chilli realizes this is really happening, she wants to chicken out. Once I realize that they put men’s briefs on your head, I, too, want her to chicken out. I’m sure it’s a specially-designed flame-retardant protective cap, but come on, it looks like underwear.
She is also adorably tiny in the passenger seat.
Chilli handles her fear on the racetrack by alternately praying and cussing, which “just don’t go together,” she says. Like sexiness and values, some things aren’t compatible.
We learn, once they’re back in the garage, that Chilli’s a tomboy and she likes cars. This bodes well for Raphael, but also bodes well for Scott, come to think of it. They talk about how dangerous race car driving is, and she interviews that if she got serious with Raphael, that her nerves would be a wreck. Luckily she doesn’t share this fear with him, as talk about their future together right now would be scarier than a car wreck.
Chilli gives him a gift. An “honesty bracelet” that she also wears. This is pretty heavy stuff for a second date, but at least it wasn’t a purity or commitment bracelet.
“When it starts right, it ends right, if it ends,” Raphael tells her. This flies in the face of all relationship history, but since he says it in his accent, it takes on some sort of mystical wisdom.
Raphael introduces her to the other racers, tells her about the race, and prays. Prays! And she says, even with everything going on, she’s still the center of his attention. Chilli has never looked so happy on a date.
The race starts, and Chilli calls Tionna into the private box that Raphael reserved for them.
Tionna says that if he wins, Chilli’s got to put all her bosoms on him in a victory hug. This is more effective…
…than for others. But Tionna is relieved that she’s had some success this early into the process.
Chilli still decides to go out on a date with Scott, who takes her on a tour around South Beach. Scott’s got a “different kind of confidence,” from Raphael, and she thinks he’s “extremely gorgeous.” So two for two? Possibly? Note, again, that we are three episodes in, and it took all season last year to find two guys that Chilli liked.
At the bar, she won’t have so much as a glass of wine, but he orders himself one anyway. He also, apparently, ordered an intervention with his Cabernet.
I think she’s maybe 50 percent kidding here, but it’s the 10 ten she’s showing right now. Moving on, he says they’d make a beautiful baby. Somehow, she’s not turned off by this forward statement or the drinking. She even offers to get him pregnant later, which is not only forward, but also physically impossible.
At the restaurant, Chilli is even more impressed when he orders for both of them. These are things that would have angered her last season, I think. But this is the new, improved, baby-seeking, no-time-wasting Chilli. Thus, she gets to asking about babies again. And again.
Oh hey, did you know Chilli wants another baby? I guess I understand — why waste time dating a guy who doesn’t want kids, if you are dating guys in order to get married and have kids? Still seems a little excessive though.
The next day Tionna meets up with Chilli to show her a photo:
…apparently snapped by Tionna’s friend. They debate whether it’s Raphael or not, although, first, they make sure it is not Chilli. They decide that it probably is Raphael. “That motherf***er, I gave him an honesty bracelet,” Chilli says. They should have checked for the honesty bracelet, but you know how guys are, always putting their honesty bracelets in their pockets before they go out.
Chilli is pissed as hell, explaining that while they’re not committed, she came there to get to know him. Never mind that, you know, Chilli just went on a date last night with another guy and didn’t mention that to Raphael. We get to see the rarely-revealed cussing side of Chilli, usually reserved for the inside of race cars.
This is going to end very wrong.