…no wait, I mean both.
Not a second is wasted in this week’s You’re Cut Off! on getting to the moment we’ve been waiting for since last week: the reveal of the girls’ new roommate. You’ll be shocked to learn that it is not Lady Gaga.
It is Marissa, the self-proclaimed “Queen of Jersey Bling.” It sounds impressive, but to be fair, the person she inherited that title from was a pawn shop owner in Atlantic City.
Marissa says wonderful things like, “I have so much money, I make rich people look poor,” and “I haven’t done my own hair, it has to be, since the ’90s.” With all this bragging, it seems like she’d make a really good rapper. Well, maybe not a really good one, just a really rappy one.
Marissa says she is a fashion designer, adding, “And I’ve never paid any bills!” That sounds like a great way to run a business. Her mother says that she’s always coddled Marissa and continues to prop her up at night. Ah, the burden of Norman Bates experiences a generational reversal.
“My parents could be living on a yacht in France if they didn’t have me. Let’s put it that way,” says Marissa. But then they’d have no one to prop up, and how fun would that be?
The girls look out the window to watch Marissa arriving.
Someone says she looks old. Aimee agrees: “Yes she does! Like, 32!!!” If 32 is old, then Aimee is middle-aged. And then some! Literally! Marissa walks in and Jessica interviews, “Oh my god, Big Bird just walked into the house!”
Jenn thinks Marissa looks like a “40-year-old tranny.” These girls are so vivid and catty with their words, I feel like they’re doing my work for me. I’m going to put this blog on autopilot and go back to bed.
Except, then I’d miss out on all the fun! Like the fun that happens when Jenn asks Marissa what “season” her lip gloss is. Jenn thinks that it’s “definitely summer,” whatever the hell that means. Seriously, no one cares. “I don’t do seasons for lipsticks because I get their exclusives…” says Marissa. Entitlement has its rewards, apparently. “Yeah, in L.A., though, it is fall,” says Jenn. And across these United States of Lip Gloss, even.
I wonder what season her lollipop stick is.
Meanwhile, Nadia coughs up phlegm in another room and Jenn and Hana complain about it. It takes Nadia no time to become enraged about their implication that she might get someone sick.
“Don’t be like, she got someone sick. This and that and that and that and this and that! Shut your ass up!” she hollers. Clearly, she’s very protective over her germs as well as this and that and that and that and this and that. You know, the important stuff in life. Only on reality TV could the accusation of being contagious be taken as an insult. Nadia expounds in interview:
“Are you the scientist that has discovered what bug and which bug made us sick? Seriously? I didn’t know you had a magnifying as a glass to see which germs actually contacted on what person.” I think we can all agree that the only thing that Nadia knows more about than how science works is how English works. She’s very much a renaissance woman of the what and which variety (naturally). Jenn asks Nadia to get her coffee, saying she looks like someone who would get someone coffee. The potential work just keeps lining up! “She looks like my housekeeper. I’m serious,” says Hana. There is so much snobbery and entitlement loaded in that statement that what it mostly suggests is Hana is really, really good at being on this show.
Laura comes in and gathers the girls to inform them that they’re responsible for running the house and doing all of the chores. Every week, they can earn $200 for groceries.
“$200 in my world is two people at a restaurant and you’re eating very, very, very selectively. Like, starving,” interviews Marissa. Every time Marissa walks into Red Lobster, they add $5,000 to the bill, just to make her feel like she’s not wasting her time. Laura introduces the chore board…
Notes on chores abound: Jessica can’t remember the name of her “second mother” housekeeper. Something tells me that it’s “Gimme!” or it might as well be. Hana isn’t staff. No one wants to do the toilets. After some back-and-forth whining, Marcy assumes the role at last. The chores begin. Jenn claims her broom is defective.
She also throws the leaves she sweeps over the fence because, “They’re, like, healthy for the environment anyway, they shouldn’t need to be raked.”
Later she adds, “Like, leaves nourish grass and dirt.” Wow! It would seem that there are at least two scientists in the house. These girls may be privileged but then again, so are we to be able to listen to their informed musings. Meanwhile, Marcy gags over the toilet and says that all she can think about are eight people’s feces.
But if you think about feces in the Donnie Darko sense of the word — baby mice — the task of cleaning a toilet becomes a lot more adorable.
The girls finish their chores and then receive a note from Laura stating that in an hour, they’ll be poolside at one of L.A.’s most exclusive country clubs. And so they are:
They ooh and ah over the country club, and Laura pops up to tell us that their being at a country club is a test. Duh. I guess these girls left their scientist caps at home because they all dive in and start consuming everything that is strewn about:
Marcy is the only one that we hear give any indication of fear that effectively looting this place might not be the best course of action. But then she gets swept up in the toast anyway. And then, Laura comes out. I wish she were wearing shrubbery that she could remove and shake her hair out after doing so, a la the season premiere, but there is no such luck. She is wearing something, though, according to Aimee:
“Laura shows up and the first thing I notice is her stanky face,” she reports. Laura is stanky because in 45 minutes, these girls have accumulated a bill of almost $3,000:
If they were eating selectively, they wouldn’t have had that problem! “You’re cut off!” Laura reminds them for the umpteenth time. Unfortunately, there is no accompanying montage of other people saying, “You’re cut off!” to hammer this home. Not sure if the girls are getting it. “Who do you think is going to pay for this?” Laura wonders. Production, clearly. But obviously, that isn’t the point of this exercise or show. Today’s lesson is all about taking responsibility for your actions, and thus, the girls will have to pay off their bill by working at the country club. As if by cue to prove her refusal to engage in the lesson, Jenn immediately takes issue with this and says she had just one mimosa, so she wants to just work off her portion. Jessica saw her down at least four drinks. I believe Jessica.
The girls must change into uniforms to work at the club. You’ll be shocked to find out that they are resistant during this process!
Hana skips pants all together, while Nadia opts for shorts.
Jessica says the shorts should be burned as no one wants to see Nadia’s thunder thighs or crotch hanging out. Have you ever seen a pair of shorts that are cut so high, the person’s crotch actually hangs out? It is an amazing sight to behold, and it is not what is going on here. Nadia’s merely rocking Jersey casual. Yawn. Regardless, this is not the country club’s regulation uniform and all girls who aren’t wearing khakis are told to change by a manager. And then Aimee shrieks the point home…
Oh and, by the way, to return to the topic of contagion…
…lollipop-sucking is spreading throughout the group. Who’s holding the magnifying glass now, and is the handle bejeweled?
The girls get to cleaning. Jessica and Lauren get poolside duty; Marcy, Nadia and Jenn are assigned the tennis courts; Marissa, Aimee and Hana are confined to the golf course.
Jenn’s manager tells her to get rid of her lollipop and her response is predictable: “It’s my life force.” Just kidding, she says, “I’m not throwing away the stick!” If she has a name for that stick, how much you wanna bet it’s, “Prehhhhh-shusssssss”?
Meanwhile, Marissa takes issue with the overalls she’s assigned. “This is my image! I only get stared at in admiration, not in horror!” To be fair, people would be staring at her in horror, overalls or no overalls — a big part of the You’re Cut Off! viewing experience involves staring at these girls in horror.
Jenn messes around.
Marcy doesn’t believe Jenn or Nadia is taking the exercise seriously. She says they’re acting “trashy.” She cries. Meanwhile, Jenn takes a break and is called out for doing so after just an hour of work. “An hour in my world is like four and that’s like American’s rule that you get a break every, like, 20 minutes for four hours,” she says. Bending the space/time continuum, I see. An average day for a scientist, no doubt.
Water almost splashes in Marissa’s mouth and she freaks out.
There’s a reason we’re not given a Jessica/Lauren update after first seeing them working: because they actually work. They are then rewarded for their efforts, as are Marcy and Marissa. The reward turns out to be bowling. Fun, as luck would have it, does not unfurl without complaint.
After some faint protesting over being ordered to take off their heels, the girls are made to wear bowling shoes. “These are definitely the ugliest shoes ever put on my feet,” says Jessica. I seriously doubt that given how styles come and and out. They probably are the cheapest. They should treat her like Marissa and charge her $1,000 to wear them. I bet they’d turn really pretty as a result.
The girls bowl and, surprise, surprise, they are not very good.
Somewhere along the line, they run out of champagne and call on a bowling-alley employee for help.
His name is Nolan, and he is a saint.
He’s very patient with them, despite their constant invocation of his name. These women take full advantage of his helpfulness. It’s shocking that Laura doesn’t pop out once again to inform them, “You guys are cut off!” I guess having to be filmed in a bowling alley is reducing enough for one scene.
At home, Jenn gets drunk and jokingly assaults Lauren who screams, “My uterus!” in response.
Whoo, part 2. Nadia notes, “Jenn has an alcoholic problem. I thought I had an alcoholic problem because I do somewhat drink daily, but to an extent. I only get buzzed and that’s it.” If it isn’t evident already, everything that comes out of Nadia’s mouth is golden. I would literally watch a show called Nadia On… that only featured her talking about things. I mean, it’d have to be one of those 15-minute Adult Swim shows, but still, that’s more than I could say for most people. What’s her secret? What’s her fuel? All the alcoholics she consumes problematically, probably.
As Jenn and Lauren tussle, Aimee says she wants to see a wrestling match and will take out Jenn. Jenn pulls her hair. Aimee says they’ll have problems if she does it again. She does it again.
They have problems.
Marcy’s amazing/amazed response to this is, “Is this for real or are you guys joking?” Oh, a little from column A, and a little from column B. It intensifies and they get to a point where Aimee tells Jenn to let go of her hair, and she’ll let go of Jenn’s. Follicle negotiation is always such an intense thing to watch. When they untangle, Jenn accuses Aimee of hitting her head on the floor and giving her a concussion. “You’ll know when I knock you out, you’ll be all right,” says Aimee. Actually, if she does it right, Jenn won’t know what hit her.
The fighting moves outside when Aimee decides to join a few of the other girls in a game of croquet. As Aimee approaches the makeshift court, she announces that only smart people can play, i.e. not Jenn. Jenn questions where Aimee went to school and interviews that Aimee like “the most uneducated person that I’ve ever met.” Care to elaborate, Jenn, or should we draw our own conclusions as to what completely despicable thing you could mean by that? Aimee attempts to continue on in her game, but Jenn stays by her like an education gnat, asking where Aimee went to school. She finally grabs the croquet mallet…
Producers quickly break this up.
“That’s violence!” howls Jenn. Apparently, this is nothing: Lauren interviews, “Back at home, if someone tries to take your croquet stick, you’ll get a shotgun pulled on you.” Sounds like a rough neighborhood, as gated communities go. Ultimately, I think we can all agree that croquet-based drama is very Heathers and thus a wonderful thing to behold.
People implore Aimee to go inside, but she remains stubborn and says that she’s not running from anyone. Jenn says, “I’m definitely glad that you are so rich, ’cause you know what? My hand hurts and that was definitely in the wrong.”
If she’s so rich, why would she have to imply that Jenn will need to pay her medical bills? Shouldn’t she have enviable insurance coverage, anyway? Aimee interviews that she should have beat Jenn with the mallet. After all, why be half-assed about croquet-based assault?
I can’t imagine a more perfect time for…
Aimee says all altercations with Jenn have come as a result of Jenn putting her hands on her. She doesn’t seem to mention that the results of that result sometimes involve swinging Jenn around like a rag doll. Nadia compares Jenn to an insect; Jenn wonders why everyone in else in the house is “so retarded.” That she doesn’t express this by buzzing rips a hole in Nadia’s argument, I’m afraid. Laura turns the discussion to the challenge and shows footage of the managers discussing the girls’ performance.
Jenn’s manager says her work ethic was “nonexistent.” Jenn’s answer is: “My goal isn’t to pick up tennis balls. That’s something a 15-year-old would do.” Something tells me that Jenn is no authority on what 15-year-olds do. Was she picking up tennis balls at that age? Didn’t think so. Marcy says they were incorrigible and rude. Jenn says, “The whole thing sucked.” Nadia replies, “Life sucks!” Jenn hits back with, “No it doesn’t.”
Well, at least both sides of the life-sucks debate are boldly represented. Hana says she was “pretty impressed” with herself, but her manager says she was slow on the uptake. Hana in lack of self-awareness shocker! Anyway, Marissa, Marcy, Jessica and Lauren passed, obviously. Hana failed. Nadia failed, but she knows she should have tried harder. It’s really so bizarre to hear someone accept accountability for her actions on this show. Nadia’s basically speaking a foreign language. Aimee has embraced program and took responsibility at country club, but she was part of a physical altercation and thus failed. Jenn was and remains resistant to any and everything. She didn’t take responsibility for her behavior at the country club and continues not to: “I worked! I had two drinks!” she claims.
Jenn has failed. When Laura tells her that, she asks if it’s supposed to make her feel bad about herself. She asks Laura why she’s being “so dramatic” about the pass/fail schism. Because this is a TV show? How easy they forget the cameras. Jenn is a rare example of someone who completely gets it and also who doesn’t AT ALL. “You failed. That’s it. OK?” is Laura’s final say on the topic. Jenn mocks Laura in interview.
Unsurprisingly, Marcy wins VIP this week.
Speaking of theatrical, this makes her extremely happy and she doesn’t care who knows it:
Jenn thinks Marcy wouldn’t have gotten it if she didn’t suck so bad at her job. And while going out of her way to be contrarian, Jenn just accepted accountability. It’s a small price to pay for the ability to throw shade, I suppose.