You’re Cut Off! 2 Recap – Episode 3 – Fast Food, Slow Burn

In the immortal words of every drive-thru worker ever: do you want…

…with that?

(You just never get to hear them ask this, since it’s always behind your back.)

Oh boy. This week’s episode of You’re Cut Off! is a lollipop-induced nightmare of a show. Things get off to a terrible start when Marcy receives Laura’s note (on account of being named VIP). Jenn refuses to leave bed to listen to it because, “It’s probably gonna say something stupid.”

Since when has the promise of something stupid ever stopped anyone from doing anything on reality TV?

What Jenn (and Hana) are missing is the assignment of chores.

Lauren interviews that “Hanifer is not taking the chores very seriously,” as though their single sleeping unit has rendered them a single unit…unit.

For not attending, Hanifer are given the “butt chore” of cleaning the gutter. There’s just one problem: in the great tradition of deep and explicitly stated ignorance on this show, Hana doesn’t know what a gutter is.

Haha, they should have told her yes and made her attempt to render the septic tank spotless.

As Jenn and Hana take forever getting ready to do nothing, a trap is planned for Nadia: Jenn leaves a cigarette in her pack to see if Nadia will take it. “I’ve been providing for Nadia almost like a sugar mama, providing her with cigarettes or whatever,” says Jenn. She is seriously speaking like an inmate. These girls are really adapting to their surroundings. Who’s on top and who’s on bottom now? (And I don’t mean that in the bunk-bed sense of the phrase!)

Before they get to work, Jenn has a request for Marcy:

The answer is no. There’ll be time enough for servin’, when the guttin’s done.

Soon, Hanifer are introduced to the exciting world of gutters.

To enter this world, they must climb a ladder. Once on it, Jenn compares it to being on Fear Factor.

Maybe if they had to eat the contents of that gutter, the comparison would be more apt, especially given that what they encounter is “like poop” and will require a tetanus shot, in Jenn’s nonprofessional opinion. They soon abandon this chore, and one of them promises, “If Laura says that we didn’t do her chore, I’m gonna seriously tell her to suck it.” If it’s Jenn that says this (and I’m pretty sure it is), she’ll soon prove herself to be a woman of her word.

Meanwhile, the battle for cigarettes rages on. Jenn and Nadia argue after Jenn asks Nadia for a cigarette. Jenn says that Nadia has taken many from her and is selfish. Jenn definitely strikes me as an expert on the subject of selfishness. She tells Aimee (referring to Nadia), “I have PMS and a GPS, so I’m a bitch and I know where you’re at.”

Clearly, she’s been visiting the Jersey Shore, reading the T-shirts sold on the Boardwalk and taking notes. Marcy thinks that the way girls are acting about cigarettes is like they’re in East Germany. Or jail! How about jail? Nobody listens to me. But then, why would they: I’m just a lowly blogger who’s commenting on this stuff way, way after it was filmed.

Then it’s Hana’s turn to confront Nadia. “Give me one of your cigarettes now,” she demands. “No, because I don’t feel like it,” says Nadia.

Way to really drag this thing out, Nadia. We’re all indebted to her for the pleasure of hearing the word “cigarette” spoken about 5,000 times in a 10-minute period. Here’s a dialogue sample courtesy of Hana:

“Give me one of your cigarettes. I gave you cigarettes from my pack. I need to get one of your cigarettes right now because me and Jenn gave you cigarettes and I need a cigarette right now really bad, and I think I deserve it because I gave you my cigarettes. I gave you, I gave you some of my cigarettes. Give me one of your cigarettes right now.”

Hilariously, during this cigarette diatribe, Nadia calmly mutters, “You deserve it?” and “I don’t care, dude.” Nadia really is fantastic almost always. Jenn then devises a plan to keep Nadia away from the wine: by writing on the box.

Jenn reasons: “Even if she can’t read, that’s, like, an American symbol that means no.” I bet this is the product of a degree in remedial education. Nadia catches wind of this (via Aimee who stealthily plays both sides of this ridiculous fight) and says she’s going to have some anyway. She writes her own message on the box of wine:

This time, non-readers are not allowed.

It’s a complete mystery as to why Jenn thinks she is the lord of the box, but she does! And so, when she catches wind (thanks, Aimee!) of Nadia’s disobedience of her American symbol that means no, she gets up to make a statement:

And, oh, what a statement it is. Nadia gets Jenn back by throwing marinara sauce on her:

That’s actually ingeniously disgusting. Jessica doesn’t think so though. She breaks down…

…over having to live in a house with “violence and assault.” “I’m not going to lower my morals and my values for these f***ing whores,” she vows. So then, don’t. Sit back and enjoy the front-row seats!

The next day, Laura collects the girls to tell them that their food budget is being docked $50 on account of Hanifer’s refusal to clean the gutters.

“Who cares?” says Jenn. When you control the box wine, after all, you run Arrakis. She says the chore was irrelevant to her life, anyway, because at home you can’t reach the gutters. The only way you can do it is by folding space. Something worth looking into. If all else fails, I’m sure there’s a friendly neighborhood sandworm that will help you out with a lift!

(That will conclude this week’s Dune referencing…unless Laura busts out a gom jabbar during group.)

Laura informs the girls that this week, they’ll have to get a J-O-B. “N-O,” interviews Hana. LOL, spelling. And what’s worse, they’ll have to get to it themselves by taking public transit. Someone (maybe Jessica) wonders, “Do we get a bodyguard?” Do camera men and the production crew count? Thought so.

The bus freaks the girls out like it’s supposed to. There is a particularly cartoonish dude without shoes on and an unlit cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

Marissa interviews, “I’m really nervous about germs in places that are lower income.” I know, right? My germs don’t get out of bed for less than $10,000.

After some predictable post-bus bumbling, the girls come to realize that their employer for the day will be the fast food chain Archibald’s.

Laura tells them that one out of four Americans have worked in the fast food industry and today they’re about to become part of that statistic. Most redemptive reality shows aim to keep their cast from becoming statistics; You’re Cut Off! foists it upon them. Just one more reason why this show is truly, truly special.

The girls are assigned duties: Marissa and Hana will work counter and drive-thru; Marcy and Jenn will man the grill and fryers; Jessica and Nadia are in charge of cleanup and prep; and Aimee and Lauren have been placed in marketing. Immediately, complaining commences regarding their uniforms.

Whatever, at least they’re a slimming black as opposed to a grease-catching baby blue. As Jenn prepares fries, it surfaces that she didn’t wash her hands. Horrors! She decides that since that’s the case, she’ll just eat the fries she prepared herself as they are her “favorite food.”

Oh, that Jenn and her diet!

Meanwhile, Jenn and Aimee soon come to find out that instead of a cushy office job, marketing means they’ll have to be extremely hands-on.

And costume-on: they’ll be standing outside in outfits made to look like giant Archibald’s offerings. Lauren will play the bag of fries, while Amy will be the hot dog. “It smells like onions!” she moans, stepping into the wiener. Real ones or fake ones?

Meanwhile, Marissa has a hard time with the register, which isn’t particularly surprising since she just learned it and even LeapFrog learning hand-held electronics have a learning curve.

So, I gave one of these girls the benefit of the doubt for once. Sue me! Meanwhile, Jessica mops and says she went to college precisely to avoid doing this kind of work.

It’s funny how she can make a normal human practice sound so snobbish.

Hana kicks ass at the drive-thru (read: she’s competent and doesn’t alienate anyone), so Jerry, the hot piece of dude in charge of Archibald’s during the girls’ visit, pulls her aside and promotes her to shift manager.

She then gloats by announcing this via a microphone at the registers…

At least someone found a use for the thing! What the hell are those mics for, anyway?

Part of Hana’s job is to train Jenn so that Jenn can be her replacement. This is seriously a crash course, no? Will they all receive gold watches upon leaving the store that are engraved, “Good luck on your retirement!”? Anyway, Jenn at the drive-thru is a wonder to behold.

After the first customer orders, Jenn asks, “Would you like anything special like no lettuce or anything weird?” Ha. Not only will Jenn make sure your burger doesn’t have lettuce, but she’ll also make sure that you get an opinion from her. Things disintegrate from there, as Jenn can’t speak Spanish and ends up telling someone that she has to drive back around after screwing up her order. Well, at least she’s creating something for us all to laugh at.

Meanwhile, the marketers outside solicit customers.

Aimee reports that it’s “hotter than a hooker’s panties” out there. And just how do you think a hooker’s panties get so hot? By working the street, duh! That’s true empathy right there.

Aimee and Lauren retire back inside after a while and Hana reassigns Nadia and Jessica the job of marketing. Jessica talks about wearing these costumes compared to the $30,000 gowns she’s accustomed to…

…but nothing matters more than how much she looks like Jwoww when she says all this. Wow, you know? Jwoww.

Meanwhile, Jenn has her hands full at the drive-thru.

Just kidding. But people are extremely impatient with her.

Jenn testing people’s patience? Imagine! She must be having an off-day.

Meanwhile, Nadia and Jessica frolic and play the Disneyland way outside.

They decide they want to switch outfits. Inside, Hana says they should have told her. She makes a big, entitled stink about it. God, she isn’t just a manager, she’s a micromanager. Seriously, there is nothing about what Nadia and Jessica decided to do that requires anyone’s opinion, including their manager. As long as someone’s the fries and someone’s the phallus, what’s the problem? Hana castigates Nadia about this and Nadia ays, “I quit.” Hana says that she can’t quit. Yes she can, actually, but she won’t. She’ll just go outside without the hot dog on, that’s all.

The wiener stands alone.

As Nadia attempts to go back outside, Hana stops her and asks her, “Where the f*** is your costume?”

Nadia’s like, “Whatever,” and suggests they just go outside. But that would be boring, and Hana clearly has nothing better to do, so she continues to make a big deal about the costumes. She gives Nadia the choice of wearing the costume or she’s done. She’s done, duh! She already said that.

Then, it’s time to review their work.

Being shift manager, Hana gets to make the call as to whether or not the girls receive their full day rate or if their pay is docked. Everyone gets paid in full except for Nadia, of course, and Jenn — the bag of fries she ate and rhapsodized comes out of her pay. Not that their pay is anything, anyway — they get $32 for the time they spent at Archibald’s. That’s minimum wage after taxes. But more than that, it is entirely depressing.

At least Hana thinks so! In the car, she says she feels horrible for those who are suffering working minimum wage and getting nothing. She expresses very much the same at home, where she also cries.

She calls Nadia out for acting like she was better than the girls they were working with. Nadia says she doesn’t think she’s better than anyone and after Hana protests, Nadia just walks away. Man, Nadia really displays extraordinary courage and restraint in the face of adversity. Pass/fail, whatever — someone get her a medal of honor. And whatever, didn’t Hana act better than gutter cleaners earlier this episode? Where are the tears for them?

She keeps going, though, wondering why people who work at fast food joints have to take the bus when the girls of You’re Cut Off! have nice cars. Luck of the draw, baby! Hana works herself into such a frenzy that Marcy, who doesn’t normally like to touch strangers, feels the need to put her hand on Hana’s leg.

“We’re all the same!” Hana wails. “Those girls spoke perfect English!” she adds. Her melodrama really diminishes whatever her point is.

Group approaches. Jenn gets wasted.

Jessica interviews, “Jenn is a train wreck…to put it nicely.” I wonder how she’d put it nastily? Maybe by saying it while squatting and doing very much what the liquor leads Jenn to do?

The girls report to group. Aimee says work was tough. Hana has experience among her staff being manager. Nadia brings up Hana’s cursing in front of customers. This causes a fight…

…but it’s all blah blah blah to Jenn, who tells Laura she’s waiting for the actual lesson. She says the four hours they were at Archibald’s have nothing to do with the fact that everyone in the house wants to kill each other because of one person. AHEM, Nadia. Or at least, that’s what she’s implying. Nadia points out that Jenn threw wine in her face. Jenn’s answer is, “So?” So…what does Jenn want to learn about again? Laura says she wants to get back to the lesson and Jenn says, “Dude, nobody cares about a hot dog.” “I am the coach. It is my program,” says Laura. “Debatably,” says Jenn. Jenn says Laura doesn’t know what goes on in the house. She doesn’t understand why she and Hana failed their chore. Hm, it could possibly have to do with her inability to grasp the concept of a gutter, a chore and/or failing? Jenn says she was docked $50 for food and that’s why she looks the way she does. I thought she looks the way she does because of her special diet that makes everyone else look fat around her? Something about freaking out about baked potatoes is pushing at the recesses of my memory. Jenn asks Laura to explain why she looks the way she does.

Laura should be commended for refusing to start her next sentence with, “Where to begin?” What is Jenn even getting at here? That she’s so skinny because she hasn’t eaten for, like, a day? And actually, what about the French fries? Won’t someone think of the French fries? Nadia helpfully points out that Jenn has food in the freezer and is, in fact, starving herself. (Or not! French fries!)

The group proceeds. Laura announces that Lauren, Jessica, Marissa, Marcy and Aimee have passed. Nadia failed. As Laura explains why, Jenn flips her off.

Repeatedly.

Laura attempts to move onto Hana but is distracted by Jenn’s gesture. She begins to lose her patience (like I said before: lose patience with Jenn? Imagine!) and tells Jenn…

“If you wanna flick me off, do it from your own house!” Jenn says in the middle of Laura’s reprimand that she was just going…

…like this. Jenn’s seriously this close to holding her hand three inches from Laura’s face and saying, “I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!” Jenn says that she was just wiping her face and if Laura takes it personally, she has “an insecurity.” Laura asks Jenn if she wants to excuse herself. She doesn’t. Laura continues with the group, telling Hana why she failed. She gets to Jenn, who assumes she failed “like every week.” She thinks she should pass. “In life, I passed,” she explains. Well, she did eat those French fries very, very impressively. She says Laura doesn’t know her and, “I feel sorry for you because you’re judging everyone.” Not everyone: we still have no idea what Laura thinks about those no-lettuce weirdos. That’s all Jenn. Jenn doesn’t want to hear Laura’s s***. “I don’t want to hear what you have to say to me unless you actually have something to say that’s of some value,” she continues. Also, she cries.

Jenn tells Laura to shut up. Laura dismisses Jenn and this time she actually leaves.

You know that things are spiraling out of control on a reality show when you see the production lights. And spiral they do as Jenn proceeds to throw a tantrum outside, providing her best TV yet while ironically demanding that the cameras be turned away from her. Fat chance.

It’s a very, “Whoa! You mad, huh?” moment.

I guess this means Jenn won’t be getting VIP this week?