The X Life Recap – Episode 5 – This Stinks

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The best thing about Denise?

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She pushes for what she wants.

We begin this week’s The X Life with just a normal…

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…average…

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… day. No big deal! Pierre and Denise are at MegaRamp in Tehachapi, California, where Pierre will be skating. “Megaramp” sounds like it’s an evil version of a skate ramp come to life, but it’s not. It actually looks like a giant smile:

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Pierre interviews that you have to be one of the best vert skaters in the world to use this ramp without getting hurt. As luck would have it, he just happens to be one of the best vert skaters in the world.

It’s four hours away from their house, though, so once they get there, Denise is lonely and very very bored. With no one to talk to she confides in these guys:

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They really are the best at keeping secrets. I mean, these dogs are very cute but not too bright (you’ll see why later). I’m not sure dogs would talk, even if they could.

Though Denise is annoyed with Pierre, she still can’t help being ever so slightly impressed with his skating:

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But she can’t wait to leave. “This is why drinking and meeting men don’t mix,” she says to herself (and her puppies). You know what the public service announcements say: one night of drinking can lead to a lifetime of dating famous athletes and world travel.

Back in Temecula, Nicole is alone with the kids while Cory’s in Australia. Like Denise she’s lonely because she has no one to talk to. Let’s face it — babies are terrible conversationalists. Waaay, way worse than dogs. She speaks to Cory via laptop but there are a few technical difficulties, like Cory using the laptop camera as a fancy mirror:

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Nicole is also stressed as she has to get Trey ready for his first day of school and feed the baby. Not only is she alone, but she has to actually make up for some of the bad habits Cory has instilled in his family:

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…so it’s more than twice the work.

Back at their hotel, Denise and Pierre argue over what to do next. She wants to relax, but he’s ready to go back to the skate park. She interviews that she thought the off-season would mean more time for her and Pierre, but they’re still in skate-career mode. There’s an event coming up called the “Mud Run” that Denise is participating in, and she’s looking forward to that because Pierre’s promised to come and support her, for once.

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You couldn’t skate on it, but it’s almost a smile.

But first: a mystery. Zooey obviously pooped in the room, but they can’t find it where she pooped.

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Mystery solved! Neither seem pleased that they have a dog who cleans up after herself. Zooey’s pleased. I mean, just look at that s***-eating grin:

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On to something almost as dirty: the Mud Run. Denise’s trainer talked her into doing the fun run, and she looks ready for it, or for raiding a village:

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“This is a way to prove to myself that I can have my own thing,” she interviews. Her own miserable, dirty thing. All the mud and running and hills means that Denise (metaphorically, thankfully) eats s*** many times:

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It’s the story of her life! But once she crosses the finish line, Denise is brimming with pride.

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… and barf. Unfortunately Pierre is incredibly late. Denise has to stand, muddy and alone and almost praying that he’ll show up.

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Pierre arrives and says that they made him park really far away. He would have parked closer if he’d have arrived early, probably? Denise is too mad to point this out. Back at the house, Pierre gets her some flowers, but Denise is still furious. In fact, Pierre seems to smile more the angrier she gets.

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Later Denise meets up with Nicole and Susie to tell them about her Mud Run and Pierre missing her big day. Denise theorizes that since he makes the money, she can’t ask him to do anything. She tells the ladies that if she asks him to do something like wash the dishes, he complains.

Nicole interviews that walking the dogs, doing the dishes… isn’t that bad. “Be happy that that’s the problem” she tells Denise. That advice is not nearly as hurtful to Denise as the look she gives while she’s dispensing it:

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Fundamental differences: Nicole’s got two kids, and Denise has two dogs. And Nicole’s kids don’t recycle their own body waste, so they are much harder to take care of. On one hand, Denise doesn’t know how hard it can get having a husband and children, on the other, nothing’s worse than having someone tell you that you have it easy. Nicole says she doesn’t even bother Cory with that stuff, since he’s the breadwinner. Obviously Denise has come to the wrong women for sympathy:

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“The point is, as girlfriends and wives of extreme athletes…” Nicole starts, explaining that grocery shopping and food cooking and child rearing is a “fair trade” for their men taking care of the money and leading dangerous, exciting lives. It’s all surprisingly traditional, considering these couples’ otherwise extreme lifestyles. So it’s funny when Nicole calls what Denise and Pierre have “a different kind of love.” Not sure what that means in this context, but it doesn’t smell right to Denise:

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Pierre picks up Nicole, and they talk about how Nicole was judging Denise’s relationship. And once they’re attacked from the outside, Pierre and Nicole unite. Sort of.

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“I don’t just want you to be a housewife,” Pierre assures her. As a sign of good faith, he says this while going through a Carl’s Jr. drive-thru.

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But Denise feels like Pierre and the ladies keep judging her. “Why are we even together?” she says. The words hang in the air. If only Zooey were around to eat them.

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