Who needs Suzie around to blab when you’ve got a team of cameramen, producers and editors to do it for you?!
The ladies resume this episode of Basketball Wives exactly where they left off:
Immediately, there is tension:
Royce vs. illness vs. everybody else
Tami explains that Royce is being quiet because she’s starting to feel a little sick. Everyone’s response to that (via Tami) is, “Girl don’t start that right now ’cause we are trying to have a good time.” I know, right? Put your germs away and stop electing to be sick, Royce. Playtime’s over. Royce reports, “My throat feels like golf balls with razor blades on it.” Golf balls? Razor blades? I said: playtime’s over! How selfish of Royce’s immune system!
Once on the ground, Royce feels no better. Tami squeals in the car, and in response to Royce’s run-down appearance, Tami says her thing was that she wants to have fun with this trip. She interviews, “I can be a bitch with you bitches in the States.” And how!
Tami interviews that her basic sentiment toward Royce is, “Get over it!” I can’t help but think that she and Royce are actually on the same page. If willing yourself not to be sick were a thing, there would be no need for doctors.
Regardless of Royce’s condition, the ladies dine at Puerta 57, which overlooks a fÃºtbol field. (Do you like my accent? Authentic, right?)
Evelyn interviews she hopes Jennifer can meet a “nice sexy Spaniard” who can “wipe the cobwebs off her vajayjay.” Only a janitor seems fit for such a job. A shame that’s at odds with Jennifer’s supposed fetish for rich men. Jennifer has never had a one-night stand, but Evelyn thinks now is the best time. Royce interviews, “OK, whatever happens in Madrid stays in Madrid. Whatever you catch in Madrid is coming back with you. How ’bout that?” She is an expert on ailment, after all. But I don’t know, did she miss the condom that Evelyn presented to Jennifer in the limo on the way to the airport? I don’t see how she could have — it was a Magnum!
Shaunie says the “logo” of the trip has been “what happens in Madrid stays in Madrid,” but with all the talk of cobwebs and vajayjay, she’s realizing…
“Oh, you guys are dead serious!” Only as serious as the camera crew will allow. (I’ll never stop mentioning it because it will never stop blowing my mind that anyone had the idea that anything should stay where these people are filming for the explicit purpose of sharing with the world.)
In the car, Jennifer wonders how many pills Royce took and Shaunie chimes in to say that Royce shouldn’t over-medicate. Royce feels rundown, she had a fever, her throat hurts and when she touches her skin, it hurts.
So begins a new round of the tension that we’ve already seen and will continue to witness this episode.
Shaunie assures us that this ribbing is meant to be fun, but Royce clearly doesn’t enjoy it:
Indeed — she had no idea Evelyn was giving her bunny ears a few screen shots back, and that would have added the symptom of boiling blood to her already long list. But of course, that’s not what she means.
That is what she means. The fact that Shaunie, et. al., are so amused by this really does help underline Royce’s point. Once back at the hotel, Royce storms out of the car and they don’t see her till the next day.
Tami and Jen have breakfast…
Jennifer says, “Royce needs to get over it, seriously. I hope she ain’t poppin’ a million pills today.” I think Royce is popping a million pills precisely because she wants to get over it, though. Tami points out that while Royce says she doesn’t feel well because of stress, none of her pills are “stress-related.”
What the hell are stress-related pills? Xanax? Oxys? I think we’ll have to wait a few more seasons before there’s even a chance of this thing approaching something that looks like Valley of the Basketball Wives.
After getting done up by some makeup artists that Shaunie hired, the women are ready to attend a show for Madrid’s Fashion Week…
Once there, Tami struts pointedly and proclaims, “I should be in the show!” We then see her swigging a beer…
…proving that she is, indeed, the very picture of chic.
For this Ion Fizz show, the ladies are seated in the front row.
Tami compares their VIP treatment to her lifestyle when she was with Kenny. “You know, I’m no stranger to front row,” she says. I feel that way, too, but it’s just because everything’s in HD now and the view is really, really good from my couch.
After the show, the women meet Ion and it turns out that they are invited to his afterparty.
They also come across a TV host, who wants to interview three out of five of them.
This leaves Tami and Royce on the sidelines as he asks inane (albeit, ESL) questions like, “Why are you so pretty?”
Royce talks about being antagonized and how “the circle” are a bunch of “mean girls.” “Really?” says Tami. Her seeming surprise is kind of bizarre. Maybe it’s some kind of strategy. I don’t know.
After Shaunie, Evelyn and Jenn are done being asked things like, “What’s hair made out of?” and “How does makeup work?” they join Royce and Tami in the venue’s small cafe area.
The tension resumes. Evelyn is tired of Royce. Shaunie wishes she stayed in the room, and makes reference to Royce’s bouncing, crossed leg during interview as a sign of jealousy that she wasn’t chosen to be interviewed. Tami says she just wants them all to have fun. Shaunie says she will have fun despite anyone’s attitude. Royce doesn’t have an attitude, she claims. Shaunie disagrees:
Super Stank would make a great name for a superhero, if this show ever needed one to spice up a storyline. I imagine Super Stank would have a more raw, vigilante approach to fighting for justice.
Shaunie explains Royce wasn’t even trying to have a good time – “ she didn’t need to bust out pom poms, just a sign that she was happy to be there. Fair enough?
In the car, Royce comes around to admitting that her illness might be stress. What’s notable about that mostly is…
…Evelyn’s reaction to this. Homegirl is straight up Laura Linney — you can count on her.
Again, Royce flees the car to her room, explaining that she just wants to start over. As Shaunie and Ev get their makeup done for the next event, they talk about Royce’s lack of symptoms.
Since they are, you know, experts on symptoms. “Isn’t that called a hypochondriac?” says Ev. Who you asking, Evelyn? You’re the expert!
After some rest, Royce is feeling better. The women are carted to the next event, and in the car they discuss infidelity and jump-offs.
Tami says she’s realizing how much they have in common.
It is with great circumstantial irony that Jen discusses Eric’s cheating while looking so damn gorgeous. Tami talks about the fact that every time Kenny would do “something,” he’d get her a car. At one point, their driveway was lined with 15. That’s a lot of somethinging. “We were like the ghetto Clamptons,” she says. I think that’s a Beverly Hillbillies reference and she means the Clampetts? I don’t know. Before my time, something something something.
The women attend Juana MartÃn’s show. Here, Jen meets a man selling watches whose name is Marcel and whom she describes as “very Euro.” The only sense I get from that is his body odor is pronounced.
Marcel flirts not just with Jen, but also Royce maybe.
Royce guesses that Marcel fits Jen’s criteria: tall and with money. Well, that’s pointed. Jen says she is open to having fun — not necessarily sexually, but she’ll see. Hogwash is what Evelyn seems to say — she characterizes her group as “an easy sell,” meaning:
Well, if nothing else, she’s unpretentious.
They watch the show. Everyone but Royce is into it.
Given what everyone already thinks about Royce’s sense of style, it should not be an issue, and yet, there is some jabbing regarding it. Sigh. Not even jet lag could give these women fatigue. They’re all superheroes, in their own ways.
Another show, another party. At this post-Juana party, they meet a guy named Isaac, who’s a greasy mess:
Greasy messes are not Evelyn’s type.
Jen also reconnects with Marcel. They literally exchange information:
And that, as they say, is that. Jen looks slightly wistful and really lit differently in an interview that was clearly shot as a pick-up:
I don’t know, I’m trying to find some feeling in my heart about her loss of Marcel, but I’m coming up short. Imagine.
The next day, the ladies to go Juana MartÃn’s private show room to try some stuff on. Royce’s throat is on fire, so she elects to stay at the hotel.
Oh well, more clothes for the other women!
Jen and Evelyn try stuff on, while Shaunie and Tami elect not to (Shaunie explains she doesn’t have a model’s body, not that anyone aware of the fact that this woman has given birth to five separate children — no conjoined twins or anything — isn’t utterly amazed).
Tami refuses to try anything on…except for the “very strong” wine they are served.
Apparently, she is chugging it. When she interviews about the situation, it becomes clear that…
…Tami’s hair is usually at least one step ahead of the storyline. Just one more thing that makes her special.
Then the weirdest thing happens. All I know about it is that it’s a point of tension.
Tami versus Evelyn
Outside of the show room, Tami rants, “Lemme tell you something about me: I am not a fake-ass bitch, and I don’t like fake-ass bitches in my midst.” One one hand, it really seems apropos of nothing. On the other, Fake-Ass Bitches in My Midst seems like a great title for a documentary or recreation about the study of human behavior on reality TV. If only Dian Fossey were still with us!
Evelyn asks Tami if she’s serious. It’s a really good question. Tami accuses Evelyn of making faces at her in the show room and says that it really offended her. Evelyn tells her she was offended because she wasn’t offended and vehemently denies making faces.
“If I wanted to say something, I woulda said it, insecure bitch,” proclaims Evelyn. That is a case in point swish if ever there were.
Tami says, “All these girls try to make me think I’m crazy, that I’m hearing things nobody said. And I don’t like that.” Or, in this case, seeing faces nobody mugged. To hear the other women tell it, Tami’s life is kind of like Jacob’s Latter (brief glimpses of evil whose veracity are never certain), except, you know, more terrifying.
And so, Shaunie meets with Tami to straighten out…I don’t even know. Her perception?
Tami feels like the latest in a line of Evelyn targets. “Bitch I don’t need you! I’m not Jennifer…if Jennifer didn’t have Evelyn, she wouldn’t be s***,” she rants. Shaunie laughs and then informs Tami that Evelyn said she needed therapy. I won’t castigate Shaunie for relaying this, just as I won’t castigate Evelyn for sharing the obvious. “I’m instigating right now, this is bad,” says Shaunie, clearly having fun. She really had no trouble sinking right in and becoming a cast member, huh? Tami rants a little more: “I’m insecure, but you f*** for handbags!” I thought it was watches? Either way: if this is true, I bet Evelyn would wear it as a badge of pride. “Pow and pow,” is Shaunie’s response.
Tami basically calls Shaunie out for being a mean girl…to her face, which is hilarious and bold. Somewhat unfortunately, we never get to see Shaunie’s wrath in response to this. She’s actually very even-keeled. Shaunie says Tami and Evelyn have to work it out. Tami pouts. Tami says she’ll tell Evelyn that she misconstrued what happened, but she’s obviously reluctant about all of it. Shaunie reassures her, “You didn’t and you not crazy!” Again, it’s hard to say if Shaunie’s angling or what.
The next day in Shaunie’s suite, Tami dramatically clears her throat and says to Evelyn, “I’m willing to say that I might have misconstrued what I saw…”
Evelyn is clearly amenable to reconciliation. She doesn’t want problems or to ruin anyone’s trip.
“I’ll actually tell you to your face if I don’t like you,” says Evelyn in her own defense or whatever you want to call it. I know that’s right!
And so, these women have made up just in time for a bullfight. Tami’s all about it, while Jen is decidedly not after doing research.
Apparently, there’s been an animal activist lurking in Evelyn all along because she falls to pieces when she finds out that they’re about to watch a bull get slaughtered.
She literally clutches her nonexistent pearls! Her rationale for getting so upset is, “How ’bout if you was the bull?” Well, then you’d be dead, I guess. Then what? But this is seriously more compassion than Evelyn gives most people. Is she secretly a PETA member? I have my answer immediately when Tami points out that Evelyn was about to wear a fur. They all then laugh. So much for the new face of animal activism! I wonder, though, what Evelyn would rather do: go naked or wear fur? Seems like a draw, given her history.
They arrive at the bullfight.
I have to say that the bull is much cuter than the matador.
At first Royce finds it all funny.
But then she doesn’t.
And we get to see the whole bullfight basically told in the ladies’ reactions.
When the killing of the bull is imminent, Jenn and Evelyn flee the stadium, “Like how is this normal?” says Evelyn, clearly angling for a position in the American consulate. Shaunie, who stays but blocks out as much as possible, calls the bullfight “so sad and savage,” could work alongside Ev.
“I’m sorry to say I thought it was entertaining,” says Tami, whose bloodlust clearly is insatiable.
Finally, Round Million of:
Everybody versus Royce
They all settle down in some kind of wine bar after the bullfight and Evelyn says that Shaunie said that Tami said that Royce said that they were acting like mean girls. Literally, that is the chain.
Shaunie finds Royce’s complaining and woe-is-meeing is draining. “Why did you come here?” asks Shaunie. “Because it’s Spain!” snaps Royce.
In an interview, Royce says, “Bitch, because you asked me. Let’s be real now: if it’s on your dime, I’m goin’.” Ugh, wrong. If there’s one person that you never, ever refer to as “bitch,” it’s Shaunie. Has Royce learned nothing. Shaunie says Royce should leave early, and Royce interviews that Shaunie is not the Shaunie she thought she was. Likewise, I’m pretty sure? Tamie ends the episode proclaiming, “This has been SOME vacation!” That she can state the obvious, nay the unnecessary and still seem hilarious about it is one more in Tami Roman’s catalog of complex talents.