…Or don’t! See if I care!
We open on typical pissiness — as usual, people aren’t jazzed about the choice of this week’s VIP, Nadia. Nadia assures us, though, that the prestigious title isn’t affecting her: “I just wanna be fair with every other girl in the house and kinda not be so, y'know, up to the head with it.” Aw. Instead of up to the head, she’ll get right down to the heart. At least, that’s the idea.
The ladies receive a note that tells them to pack an overnight back and be ready for “anything.” Mass confusing ensues, and Marissa articulates it best: Marissa's version of “anything” and Laura's are different. She wonders if she should pack an evening gown. If someone told me to be ready for “anything,” I’d wonder the exact same thing, and I’m a guy.
They’re shuttled to the location of this week’s challenge. Hana surmises that they might be staying at a hotel. She seems to actually think this. Clearly, she’s learned nothing. Meanwhile, Jessica says she wants to kill herself because she's never been in such an uncomfortable position as “sandwiched between these two big morons.”
And yet, things are about to get exponentially more uncomfortable. It is a day of firsts!
That’s where they’re staying. Laura gathers the girls and tells them that today is about having fun on a budget.
And when I think “fun,” the first thing that pops into my head is a neck brace, like the one worn by Lazy Lizard Ranch owner, Jared:
“Am I gonna end up in a neck brace?” Marissa wonders aloud. Alas no one is that unlucky (or lucky, depending on your point of view and how much hatred is emanating from you as you stew on your couch). But you know, I bet Marissa could do a bang up job designing hot-pink neck braces to match her shoulder pads. The neck brace really is untapped as far as fashion goes and it’s just ’80s enough to sweep the nation once again.
The girls are introduced to some hot cowboys…
The one immediately above is particularly yummy, all Scott Caan-with-a-spare-tire-esque. Even though sunglasses are sometimes disproportionately flattering, I’d be willing to give this one the benefit of the doubt.
The cowboys help the girls onto their horses, which proves problematic for Marcy, who can’t quite hoist herself up. She relies on the help of a sand dune…
Meanwhile, Marissa wonders, “Has a horse ever rejected any pretty girls? Threw them off?” (I like the use of “reject,” as though Marissa is a spare organ.) She’s assured that they’ve never rejected any pretty girls, and so Marissa feels safe. Like Christina Amphlett, she loves herself; she wants you to love her. And speaking of confidence, Nadia is ready to show the girls she knows what she's doing and really, what happens in light of this is so amazing, you should just watch the scene:
Basically, as Nadia rides and is eventually thrown from a runaway horse (which may have been through her own doing), her castmates laugh and call her a “drama queen.”
The more she whines (“I got stepped on, I need to go to the hospital”), the more they laugh.
And, it rests on Nadia’s shoulders (or neck, technically) to bring back the fashion statement that is the neck brace:
As she’s placed in an ambulance on a stretcher…
Marcy gleefully notes, “There goes our VIP!” Nadia’s pain, additionally, made Aimee’s day. You know what they say: when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and when life gives you someone you might not like so much in pain, piss all over them.
Laura informs the girls that Nadia has been taken to the hospital and may or may not meet them back at camp. In the meantime, they have chores to do. It’s a whole list that would have taken me days (days!) to transcribe that involves picking out tepee-mates, inflating air mattresses, setting up cots, making beds, starting a fire, extinguishing it, etc.
The girls grouse, of course, apparently unaware of last season’s camping episode that required all of the girls to set up their own tents. Ready-to-sleep-in tepees are luxurious in comparison. Marissa, in particular, is diva-ish, mourning her left-behind lipstick and going on about gloss.
On the amount of time she takes to prep, she interviews, “Whether dude ranch or not, it doesn’t matter where it is, people’s eyes can’t help but look at me, and I need to give this dude ranch a little sparkle and I need to let them know that Marissa has arrived at the dude ranch.” The shininess of her outfit ensures that everyone knows…
…but for how long, as everyone is likely to be blinded from the glare off her lamÃ©.
For a bit of diversion, the girls ride an inflatable bull. This is fun on a budget in more ways than intended, as Aimee interviews, “This is the most action I’ve gotten in seven weeks, so baby bring it on. I could ride this bull all night long.” Hm. It wasn’t my business before and it still isn’t, and yet now I can’t stop thinking about it. Thanks, Aimee. As with the live horse, Marcy has a hard time mounting the bull, prompting Hana to suggest, “I think it would be easier if the bull rode Marcy.” Things are getting bestial up in this show this week. No matter that it is inflatable bestiality — it’s still very, very edgy.
There’s some lassoing…
…with predictably horny results:
As night falls, the girls are forced to cook their own dinner:
I use the words “cook” and “dinner” loosely (and I’m not a snotty, stuck-up princess or anything!). Lauren is a whiz at this stuff, adroitly positioning a pot on a chain above the fire to cook a bunch of baked beans that no one ends up eating. And speaking of that: the girls get a note that they must protect themselves from wild animals and thus bury their uneaten food far away from their camp. They set out to do so, and…
…cue the sound effects (like a panther!) and the terror:
Via her self-described articulateness, Marissa explains, “None of us know how to encounter with a wild animal.” Hana’s take is more philosophical: “Why are there wild animals? And why are we here?”
As they bury their food, Marcy helpfully points out that, “Not all of us will die, even if a coyote attacked.” Aimee might not like those odds, but they’re odds all the same. Better than nothing! On the way back to camp, Aimee’s fear moves her along slowly. She lags behind and Lauren, who’s fearlessly wielding a shovel and ready to decapitate anything that gets in her way (including, possibly, her castmates), proclaims, “The more confident you act, the less likely you are to die.” I think that’s true in every situation. This show is teaching me about life! Thank you, show.
At camp, a whiskeyed-up Lauren takes Aimee to task, calling her a “freakin’ idiot” and “stupid.”
Lauren, as you may know, goes onto VIP, and I guess she has improved in the reality show s***-talker realm. It runs counter to improving in the actual person realm, but whatever! It’s fun to watch! “My friends are pretty dang tough and that's’ not what you were out there tonight. And that is NOT the kind of person I associate myself with,” Lauren rants.
Look who’s exciting now!
The next morning, the girls are waken up thusly: “Wake up, hoes!”
It’s Nadia, who’s back and upright enough to walk from tepee to tepee, banging pots and pans. She is the worst alarm clock these women have ever experienced. Aimee screams at and threatens her. Nadia, quite bizarrely, immediately flies into victim mode: “Does Aimee not remember that I fell off a horse? Have some sympathy!” It’s hard, though, to have sympathy for someone who’s making enough morning racket to make roosters seem timid by comparison.
Nadia, as VIP, has some morning tasks to assign, including collecting breakfast from the chicken coop. Marissa volunteers to do this and then backpedals when she realizes what it could entail: “I don’t have to pull the eggs from the chickens,” she asks. I so wish they would have told her, “Yes.”
As they tend to their own tasks, Nadia and Aimee bicker some more. Nadia rants about Aimee and says she’ll put a shish kabob stick through her eye. She is apparently really incensed by the lack of sympathy for her clearly not-at-all broken back. Nadia stalks off, ranting amazing things to herself:
She rejoins the group and asks, “You all wanna see my boo-boo?” Someone says, “No.” That doesn’t stop her.
Nadia cries. Instead of tears, out comes milk.
Laura resurfaces and tells Nadia that as VIP, she can pick three girls to accompany her back home in luxury on an RV. The rest will be going back in a van. Nadia says she’s choosing based on effort, but it’s clearly only about her personal vendettas. Marissa, Jessica and Lauren go back with her.
As the other girls hang back to clean up the camp site, Hana berates Marcy for suggesting that she didn’t deserve to take the RV back while Nadia was deciding. “Stop bringing my name into your mouth!” Hana says, as though she’s describing a religious rite.
Back at home, it’s time for group but Nadia doesn’t want to change for it. Aimee calls out her “celly jelly” and assesses the situation like this:
“Almost broke my back for what? Damn horse!” Nadia whines. Aimee laughs. Nadia confronts her on talking about the reasons behind her tears.
“I’m tired of f***ing changing! It hurts to change!” Nadia cries. Aye, change is hard. But really, this is the most pragmatic argument in support of nudism that I’ve ever heard. There’s some physical threatening that goes on. None of it is actually realized luckily/unluckily, again depending on your point of view.
Laura asks the girls how this vacation differed from those they’re used to. Marissa says it was dirtier, without maids and with no continental breakfast. Hana diplomatically says that it was relaxing being out of the house and doing different activities. She’s either aware of what exactly she should say at this point, or she’s been Stepfordized.
Aimee says it was hard hearing wild animals “screech and scream and squeal.” Well, all’s well that ends in alliteration. That’s what I always say. Laura feels let down by Aimee’s uncharacteristic lack of confidence. Her row with Nadia is brought up. Aimee wonders why Nadia’s wake-up tactic was necessary. Why, the better to piss you off with! Nadia’s booty-shorts drama is also brought up with Nadia proclaiming, “It hurts to take off my clothes!” Hm, I guess she’s actually anti-nudist, after all.
Laura thought they were past this. Think harder! However, since this is the last group, no one’s passing or failing, however, there will be a VIP: as previously mentioned, it’s Lauren. I hope this teaches her to always drink whiskey. Marissa feels “almost complimented” for never have been awarded VIP. It means she stood out, and she’s a queen anyway. Marissa’s castle is surrounded by the Rationalization River.
There’s one last surprise: Laura’s meeting with the girls’ loved ones in advance of graduation. Except, this is not a surprise at all, again, for anyone who saw last season. I think the biggest lesson of all for these girls to take away from this show must be: DO YOUR RESEARCH.