Beverly Hills Fabulous Recap – Episode 1 – Cut Down To Size

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This is the hair I dreamed about having when I was 12.

Beverly Hills Fabulous follows the staff of Elgin Hair Salon in Beverly Hills. The team of expert stylists includes:

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Elgin, who is the owner, obviously, and a client, obviously. If you are a stylist then your own hair is your business card, go for the longest, most luxurious business card you can find.

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Lolita is a stylist. As is…

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…Katrina, who is their newest and friendliest stylist, you'll learn. Least friendly stylist, or, perhaps, least friendly human being is:

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He loves to cut both hair and people.

We begin with a tiny bit of background info. We learn that Lolita – swung on something, but it wasn't a pole – over the weekend. Katrina declares this TMI, but it's definitely TLI.

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What the hell did she swing on? “Pole” is already the dirtiest thing I can think of.

Elgin arrives… or rather, glides in.

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But he finds that Sean is extremely late for the morning meeting. Sean interviews that he hates such meetings. Except he doesn't interview as much as telegraph via his posture and flared nostrils. Meetings are first on a long, long list of things Sean doesn’t appreciate.

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Add to that list: organization. Elgin demands that Sean get an assistant to help with appointments. Sean’s against it. He’s against it probably because everyone else is for it. We see the first of many annoyed-bored faces from Sean. And the first of many hilariously ornate objects in the Elgin salon.

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Another need-to-know fact: Elgin sees his big clients on the classy side of his salon. Everyone else must work on the other side. Currently there's a pole-dancing discussion going on inside one part of the salon. Guess which side it takes place in.

Lolita describes poll-dancing as her fantasy (although, as we learned earlier, she’s swinging on everything but a pole). She takes a break to picture this alternate reality.

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What big-city girl doesn’t dream of moving to a small down and starting her poll-dancing career? The Elgin salon is also a training academy. From one profession that relies on tips to another:

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I truly hope that she got a discount on her hair services. If not, surely that gentleman behind them helped out.

On the classy side, Elgin and his real estate agent meet to talk about a property available for his next salon. He clears his appointments for the day, but walk-ins… are going to walk in.

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His receptionist informs Tanika Ray that Elgin – doesn't do fast, he does fabulous, – though I don't know where those things became mutually exclusive. Certainly not at Chipotle.

She begs Elgin, who relents. Reluctantly.

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Meanwhile Sean has goes shopping before his double-booked appointments, and when he returns there's a line of potential assistants waiting to meet him.

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Sean declares all the job applicants – idiots and incapable of assisting me. –

In other emergencies, Tanika wants sleek, but full, but asymmetrical but chic. She needs a miracle, so we need a montage:

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And a dictionary, too.

Meanwhile, Sean is finding time to torture his potential assistants while doing hair.For example, he takes aside this girl to tell her she is – reading material from cover to cover. – She is a novel called Too Much Cleavage for Beverly Hills, and this novel is clearly fiction, because there’s never too much cleavage for Beverly Hills, despite what Sean says.

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Another girl gets kicked out for bringing her mother to her job interview. The final assistant candidate comes with a ridiculous amount of loyalty — she’s somewhere between a stylist and a security guard and a stalker.

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Basically, she would have to protect Sean from her. She gets fired for saying she is just as fabulous as Sean, eh, I buy this reason.

Elgin races to the property, but his agent calls to say it’s been snatched up. He turns around and returns to the salon, catching his staff off guard. He finds:

Sean at his station, and Katrina getting her hair done at his station (these are related):

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… and food everywhere.

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The not-classy side has taken over the classy side. Elgin wants an update on the assistant situation, and Sean tells him – they were all the worst candidates for the job. – This is semantically impossible, but after seeing their faces…

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…it somehow makes sense that each one was the worst one.

The rest of Sean and Elgin’s meeting is a fury of hands and heads.

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Sean goes back to his side, declares Rick James back from the dead, and does an Elgin impression for the ladies.

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Doing Elgin impressions is actually how Sean stays so slim.

When they get ready to close shop, Elgin apologizes to his staff, nice boss that he is. He says the stress of losing the property made him snap at his employees. Sean feels bad that he made Elgin's day worse, so he stays to clean up the station he dirtied up.

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Syreeta shows up, uninvited…

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…and looking uninviting. Sean keeps her at broom's distance and threatens to hit her, warning that he's not – beneath – cracking her head. “Beneath,” above, whatever. The point is, he’s now wielding a broom as a weapon.

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Sean considers this psychotic behavior, but from one psycho to another, he sees some potential in her. Sean lets her come back for a trial run. But he also makes a prediction.

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God, I hope so! This show needs a weirdo.

This episode's hair tips:

If you bleach or color your hair, use protein packs and sit under a dryer for 15 minutes. Bonus tip from me: Blood contains even more protein than those packs, and is a lot cheaper.

– You are what you eat – so: eat green leafy vegetables full of iron, silica and calcium. Bonus tip from me: – You are what you eat – so eat unicorns.

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