Love & Hip Hop Recap – Episode 1 – Secret Squirrelin’

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This is voyeurism inside voyeurism.

We start the first episode of Love & Hip Hop where we should — poolside on a hot city rooftop staring at a shirtless man. I can’t tell if this male objectification is meant to balance out the opening montage of women in hip hop videos, but, as we’ll learn later, this show’s definition of feminism is suspect.

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Here we meet three of our ladies. The pool may be an apt metaphor — all three ladies are standing at the edge of some big changes in their lives, trying to figure out whether they should dive or not. And, as you can see/tell, the three ladies aren’t prepared for the jump either.

First there's Olivia, the formerly G-Unit-associated R&B singer.

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We learn that her solo career hasn’t gone as she hoped, and now she’s prepping the follow-up to her 2001 debut. That is 10 years ago, as in, Willow Smith wasn’t walking yet. There is brutal and tiny competition out there.

Next we have Emily, the longtime –and semi-secret– girlfriend of Fabolous.

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I say semi-secret because Emily says that even though they have been together eight years and have a son together, he doesn't take her on the red carpet or tell anyone about her. – I'm his family, whether he wants to admit it, – she tells us. Here’s proof that people get shifty eyes, even when they aren’t telling the truth to themselves:

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Last up for this scene we have Chrissy, Jim Jones’ girlfriend, who is in a similar situation — they've been together for six years, but they haven't gotten married, and they don't have kids.

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Chrissy tells us that the music industry isn't what it was, and that Jim Jones does what he has to do to make money, and that means dealing with “the stupid s*** that comes with it.” Here’s some of that:

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MCing lady boxing matches inside of strip clubs. The athleticism and skill is truly breathtaking:

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You’d almost believe this was a real sport, were it not for the punch-neutering boxing gloves:

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They might as well have put nipples on those too. – I didn't know whether I had walked into a strip club or a boxing ring, – Chrissy interviews. She's actually walked into a boxing ring inside a strip club, so it's a Russian nesting doll of trashiness.

Chrissy is caught off guard by the event, and thus tries to catch Jim off his guard as well.

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Her anger and yelling at the other females around the ring makes him giggle. She might as well be making fart noises, for how seriously he’s taking this.

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Finally, a fight the other women in the audience could enjoy:

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But it seems like he was taking her anger seriously. – I worry a lot about if my lady would ever leave me, – Jim interviews. – If she were to get up and leave your stupid ass…you couldn't fault her for none of it. – Speaking in second person hypotheticals aside, who knew Jim Jones had such a tender little heart?

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Or that he lives in the suburbs? The next morning they talk through her issues with the strip club boxing gig. You’ve got to appreciate that Chrissy doesn’t have time for stupid s*** like taking off her jewelry before bed.

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On to Somaya.

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Somaya is a young rapper who has just arrived on the east coast to break into the business. Her accommodations are located inside the studio she's working from. They are…

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…not fit for a rapper. Upside? If she can't find a pillow, that asbestos looks pretty comfy.

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And the commute to work is short. Gross, but short.

Later Somaya has a meeting with Jim Jones to discuss working together. Somaya explains that she's already worked with one of his artists in L.A. so they already have a connection. The first question Jim asks her is how long she's been doing music — she answers that she's been playing violin since she was nine. A humble answer, but she wears her ambitions on her chest.

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Jim’s advice: – Use your feminism as much as you can to get your point across. – The point he’s getting across right now is that he thinks “feminism” means this:

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Luckily, Somaya thinks so too. Unfortunately for her, Jim is business first, feminism later: she asks to work with him on a track, and he asks if she's got money.

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She promises to return not with money, but with a hot track. “I refuse to lose,” she interviews. With rhyme skills like that, how can she?

The next day, Olivia and Chrissy discuss Emily's situation with Fabolous. – If my dude was uncomfortable with me on the red carpet with him…how would you feel? –

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“Like you were invisible” seems appropriate.

Next we have lunch with Emily and Mashonda, who we’ll see a lot of on Love & Hip Hop I bet.

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Mashonda is an R&B singer and the ex-wife of Swizz Beatz, who, if you haven't heard, left her for Alicia Keys. So now we know the answer to Olivia’s question: You would probably feel like Mashonda.

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Emily tells Mashonda that, once again, she dressed her boyfriend Fabolous for an event, then watched as he attended the event alone. This, despite their eight-year relationship and two-year-old son. Emily says that she's asked if she and Fabolous should take a break, and then she starts to cry. She realizes they have more in common than their earrings.

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Emily takes a painfully long walk to her car…

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…to contemplate her pain.

Back at the Jones residence.

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Yay! Things are just as fun inside too. Chrissy and Olivia start pre-ballin

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…before a night at the clubs. Jim is around too and glued to his phone, so Chrissy takes a quick peek.

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She’s not quick enough though. She interviews that she tries to give Jim his space, just not too much space. Her shirt should probably read “take no chances”…

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…because she doesn’t. Chrissy interviews that she heard about Somaya visiting Jim in the studio. She grabs the computer and Olivia and brings them over to the couch to do some Googling.

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The results are not pretty. Well, they are pretty. Just not to Chrissy.

Olivia and Chrissy also discuss Somaya’s debut single which is called – Mira Mi Pum Pum. – It means – Look at my feminism.”

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I love how Chrissy’s expression goes from laughter to disgust to incredulity. Cocktails and a show!

Chrissy and Olivia are on their way to an NBA draft party. That means there will be lots of young athletic men there. Emily meets up with them on the way, but in the car she reveals that she's – not allowed. – “Not allowed” what? To sit in the front seat? – It's just not motherly, – she says. These words come from Fabolous and not Emily, if you can't tell:

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They get straight to their table and straight to table service, and things are going well. Peach Schnapps on ice well.

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Then they spot Somaya. Or rather, her outfit calls to them like a beacon in a storm. Or a sequin in a storm.

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Chrissy is offended, not by the sequins, obviously — she’s no hypocrite — but by the outfit’s overall effect.

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She decides to take a closer look.

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Not her strong suit, this whole quick look thing.

The ladies retreat to the bathroom to discuss Somaya. Chrissy reminds everyone that she won't do anything to stop Jimmy's money, but that only applies to the accounts receiving side. She’s worried Somaya’s trying to get money from him and is sniffing around his studio for it.

Somaya walks into the bathroom and confronts Chrissy, who is up for it, despite Somaya's intimidating height and blinding outfit.

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Chrissy insists that she's not mad at Somaya, but she's mad at her shoes. I believe she’s mad at everything, including the shoes.

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None of these ladies really look like they’re mad at anything, really, unless those smiles are actually bared teeth.

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The whole thing kinda fizzles. Chrissy has won the bathroom, but she hasn’t won the war. For instance, Somaya’s rebuttal:

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– You're a kept bitch, I'm the type of bitch who keep, – Somaya interviews.

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Seems like Chrissy and Somaya would make a great couple actually.

  1. spellcheck! says:

    “Jim is around too and glued to his phone, so Chrissy takes a quick peak.”

    it’s PEEK.

  2. lil says:

    Why are they driving SAME black bently, Oh wait its realy their cars they all just happend to buy same one LOL.

  3. blackgale2004 says:

    I JUST CAN’T ASK A MAN 2 MARRY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS JUST HOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HOLLA @ YOUR GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Jo says:

    Infinitely more interesting than Basketball Wives.

  5. b says:

    boo, just another show of drama. yawn!

  6. quantumpEACh says:

    hahahahahaha-haaaaaaa…i love it!

    The selection of stills is PERFECT, for these are the moments that I enjoyed the most! Your commentary is witty, accurate, and oddly enough – I had many of these thoughts while watching the show. Please keep it coming!

    I like the show, it isn’t a “wives” franchise which is good. Hell the “wives” franchise doesn’t even consist of wives; so this one is more accuarate, to me! So far, what they are going through doesn’t seem to be as messy as the other VH1 shows and that’s good because it makes this show more tolerable, believeable and relateable.

    I fox wit Chrissy and I am puzzled by Somaya’s closing statement. Who is she keeping with all those cheap shoes she owns and that white plastic pocketbook(LMAO) that she was dragging around along with her luggage to that “loft” space above the studio….work!

  7. Real 5 star Chick says:

    this show is another MESS. The ugly chick that says she’s Jim Jones woman loOked like a complete fool in the first episode.She was jealous of the other female all she could do was talk about her shoes,which were ok who would notice her shoes. Ol girl look desperate all on Jims jock an he aint even claiming her. Get real and a Life.IF U GOTTA ASK A MAN TO MARRY YOU, YOU ARE A FOOL DUMMY REAL TALK A MAN CHOOSES U AND IF HE HASN’T IN 6 YEARS HE WANT.

  8. ms.blink 02 says:

    I think the show will be quite interesting. I had seen the trailers for it and could not wait for the start of the show. After watching the 1st episode, I must say I was NOT disappointed!

    The show gives a look into the life of hip hop from a female perspective. We have the girlfriend/wife view as well as the female in the business view. I think its quite cool.

    Can not wait for Monday night’s episode.

  9. NatoyaEbony says:

    I wouldn’t be able to ask a dude to marry me…but big ups to her for doing it.
    http://natoyaebony.blogspot.com/

  10. PRETTYNANA says:

    N SOMAYA,,,,GIVE IT UP,,,YOUR MUSIC IS WACKKK!!! YOUR BETTER OFF DOWN SOUTH SOMEWHERE,,FUKKIN WIT LAME ASS RAPPERS LIKE WAKA FLOCKA OR SOMEBDY N THAT CATEGORY! YOU CANT RAP,,,PACK IT THE FUK UP,,,ITS A WRAP 4U,,,BIG AMAZON,MANLY LOOKIN ASS!N CHRISSY WAS RITE,,,,Y DID YOUR DUMB ASS GET THE TOP VENEERS N NOT THE BOTTOM???? YOU ARE TWISTED N FRIED FROM HEAD 2TOE! N U WILL ONLY GET HUMPED N DUMPED FUKKKIN WIT JIMMY,,,HE AINT INTERESTED N YOU OR YOUR MUSIC,,,LOOK AT HIS FACE,TELLS IT ALL!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA,#BIGDUMMY

  11. MAMMA KNOWS says:

    CHRISSY’S NOTHING BUT A BUSTED UP LITTLE PITBULL! LOL! THE ONLY REASON SHE’S ASKING JIM TO MARRY HER GHETTO BUTT IS BECAUSE SHE KNOWS HE’LL NEVER ASK HER! THIS IS CALLED DESPERATION LADIES! THIS LITTLE RUGRAT NEEDS TO LOOK IN THE PROJECTS FOR SOMEONE WHO IS SUITED FOR HER TYPE! SOMEONE NEEDS TO FLING THIS LITTLE NOBODY AND JIM NEEDS TO KEEP IT MOVING!!

  12. m&m's says:

    madness. Why are these ladies allowing themselves to be on tv and be dissed. Fab is not claiming the baby mamma, Jim is shacking w/his girlfiend ( which the mamma don’t like) and he has them they are both broke (the party store really????)and Olivia dude said he is NOT in a relationship w/ her while she is claiming him all day. WOW….

  13. Nikki says:

    Chrissy is a MAJOR HATER!!! Somaya is trying to make it in the music biz and this Maggot Azz Hoe wanna hate on her. What??? Chrissy you must look at Somaya as a threat and yea she’s way cuter then you. Jim is a Artist/Producer/Actor etc. Beautiful women come with the occupation, hell you knew that going in and you been wit him 6 years boo boo and he aint wifed you yet and you aint got no kids wit the man!!! Grow up chic…let this other strong black woman get her paper…..continue doing your job and be the “Girlfriend” LMAO That’s the problem wit these celeb GF’s and wives……you knew ya man had women in his face when you got with him…..why act brand new or as if this was a shock???? I’m just sayin!!!!

  14. keverno says:

    I think Chissy is a pretty girl, but she really need to laser that big black bugger off her face. Jim needs to marry her she appears to be pretty levelheaded young lady she’s my favorite so far.

  15. DirtyGirl901 says:

    Chrissy is a Major Hater!!! I mean any woman that can be as ignorant as her needs a wake up call!!! Seriously, Somaya is trying to get her music heard and get on some paper. What right does Chrissy have to throw salt in the girls game??? Fa real…..Chrissy must look at Somaya as a threat….true enough Somaya looks like a imatation Nicki Minaj…but the fact still remains is that Chrissy needs to realize that Jim is an Artist/Producer/Actor etc.
    and beautiful women come with the occupation. I think Chrissy needs to stop being so insecure & immature…..Word to the wise….Chrissy: go find you a job, quit spending Jim’s $$, occupy your mind with postive things instead of trying to find ways to bring Jim & potential $$$ down!! Look at you….You must be miserable, you been with this man for 6 years, no kids, no ring!!! What makes you think he would want to wife a hood rat like you anyway?? You trying to stand in the way of this mans money!!! He aint screwing the broad, they on some business and YOU trying to mess that up!!! Girl kill ya self with the foolishness!!!! If he’s ya man you aint got to worry about other broads….like I said if HE’S Ya MAN??? He can surely bring his fine azz to Naptown (trust we are defintiely REAL WOMEN up here)We know how to let that man get his money and take care of him while he do it. Dont let a man run over you just let him know you the Queen Bee and you aint to be played with!! All that showing up at the mans job demanding and hood rat’ish aint called for (what if Jim was making 6 figures for that job and you come along startin mess and they let him go with NO CHECK??) He gone mess around and leave ya azz behind some dumb shyt!!! Forwarned!!!!

  16. PinkLibraDiva says:

    Let’s see… Emily needs to wake up…Fab told her himself that he is as single as a $1 bill…Someone needs to play the tape for Olivia where ole boy says that are NOT dating. LOL @ Mama Jones giving Chrissy $12 @ the register…she had to get cigarettes! LMAO…IMO, the only reason Chrissy is even looking @Somaya is because the show needs *wait for it* DRAMA

  17. Tiffany L. says:

    This by far is the most ridiculous I have ever. Why would you ever cry over Fabulous?? Maybe he’s just not that into you…If these “girls” would stop running around having these illegitimite children by these rappers and athletes just trying to solidify a place in their lives then maybe they would get the respect they deserve. Why lie about who you are dating Olivia, especially when you know this is going to be seen…And finally for Chrissy who made herself look extra thirsty with no money and no job (I Jimmy likes em broke) One more thing Chrissy I have a quarter I want you to take downtown and have a RAT gnaw that booger off your face!! Somaya don’t give up on your dreams GIRL!!! Jim Jones is a low man on the totem pole…Find yourself a more promising rapper to promote your music!!!! I use to have respect for Jim Jones but seeing how he lets booger face run the show….he simply looks like a hoe…..

  18. Tina says:

    Wow, It’s some pretty mean bloggers in this site. Anywho. Chrissy and Jim look good as a couple. But I do agree that she is acting very immature and insecure. You stopping Somaya from getting her paper is a haters move. Cut it out.

    Team Somaya

  19. CamileDarshae says:

    Fabolous Babymom Needs To Move On Get Another New Man Cause As You Can See Fab Don’t Even Wanna Be Seen W/You And I Didn’t Even Know Who You Were Til I Saw The Show ‘

  20. Reality says:

    JIM JONES BETTA NOT MARRY Psycho Chrissy. She is bad news. Mama hate her. She salted on Somaya. She looks like a barbie doll and Chrissy is psycho jealous. JIM JONES SHOULD MARRY Somaya. Chrissy is evil and JIM JONES is going to go broke on that insecure wick destructive witch.

  21. Big Al says:

    I like Somaya and olivia

  22. details ny says:

    olivia is beautiful, smart and talented. we want to see more of her.

  23. Cocorona says:

    Chrissy is definately threatened, there’s no ifs ands or buts about it! She knows deep down that her man can be pulled. Chrissy stalked the sh*t out of Somaya, checking up on her on the internet, staring at her hard at the club, being present for Somaya’s next appt. at the studio, and showing up at her performance. That’s really creepy! Somaya isn’t worried about a man right now. She’s trying to support herself and her family back home. It’s unfortunate that a scrub like Chrissy ruined a big opportunity for Somaya because of her petty insecurities. Somaya is talented and beautiful, she’ll make it. I’m sure doing this show will open a lot of doors for her.

  24. Truth says:

    First why do Jim Jones always look high. He is not a real man he brought his goons along with him instead of him taking care of it himself. If it was just him he probably wouldn’t have been as tough. He is stupid for letting his GIRL not wife come between his business over pety stuff. Chrissy is wack a hater jealous and insecure and she is triffling like that dude said. Somaya keep at it you just need tweeking. I didn’t think the track was bad the rapper you got XO made it better. Emily messy.

  25. royaltE says:

    PLEASSSE STOP HATIN’ ON CHRISSY & JIMMY…they are the truth in an industry filled with fake-assness. Rarely do you see a hip-hop, semi-celebrity couple hold it down for each other, fam & friends like Chrissy & Jim Jones. (I think I like them better than Bey & Jay lol)…plus she’s HILARIOUS. Chrissy wasn’t hatin on Somaya…the cali chick is whack, she said the girl needed to practice more (very true). The problem with people is they only hear what they want to hear never what they need to hear. Shouts out to Olivia, Mashonda & Emily…Love&Hip Hop wayyy better than booty-azz Basketball Wives

  26. april sanders says:

    i feel like chrissy and olivia was a hater from beginning. they didn’t give somaya a chance before they started to judge her off top. i think chrissy is intimidated by somaya. she only wanted jim jones to work on a track with her. you said you didn’t want him to pull her along if she only suppose to rap in christmas time. but umm isn’t that what jim jones does he’s only hot to those up north.

  27. GREAT REVIEW! I pretty much agree with all your thoughts you said in your post, especially at the beggining of your article. Thank you, this info is very valuable as always. Keep up the good work! You’ve got +1 more reader of your blog:) Isabella S.

  28. shyleen says:

    whats the name of the song that is playing wen emily is walkin to her car after the lunch with mashonda?