Love & Hip Hop Recap – Episode 2 – We Cry High

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Second episode and I’m just as exhausted as Chrissy. But my hair’s not as white!

We begin this episode of Love & Hip Hop where it shouldn’t: In the bathroom. The mess that ended last week’s episode spills over to the start of this story, where Chrissy adds “… I’m mad that you got your top teeth done and not your bottom” to the list of complaints against Somaya. Meanwhile Chrissy becomes a blur of tiny fury. Where is Jim Jones when you need a hip hop recording artist who also referees girl fights?

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Chrissy feels justified. “If you bust up in a bathroom asking somebody why they’re mad, you’re going to get what you came for,” Chrissy tells us. Moral of the story: Never, ever ask questions about other people’s feelings.

Outside of the club Olivia and Emily have a great time laughing at Chrissy’s aggression. Chrissy reminds them that she’s not a troublemaker, which is true — you need three fights in a premiere episode to be a troublemaker on reality TV.

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“At the end of the day she’s just trying to live, she’s trying to eat – ¦but not off my plate, b*tch,” Chrissy interviews. Never have such basic human needs sounded so shady. With that, the girls decide to go eat. I have a feeling Chrissy won’t be sharing her food.

The next day Chrissy and Emily go shopping. As we learned last week, Emily’s a stylist in addition to being Fabolous’s girlfriend, so this is actually work for her. Actual work? Actually pretty rare for one of these shows! I applaud her.

Her client today is Darrelle Revis of the New York Jets, otherwise known as the guy Olivia’s been dating. Or has she? When Chrissy brings this up, Emily’s like

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According to Emily, Olivia and Darrelle haven’t dated in over a year — she buys his clothes and shops for his ladies, so she should know. Emily surmises that Olivia’s telling people she’s seeing Darrelle because “it’s a good look.” As a stylist, she knows a good look when she sees one. “Somebody’s lying and it better not be Olivia,” Chrissy interviews. But you already know things must be shady — for instance, wouldn’t Olivia have known that Emily was her longtime boyfriend’s stylist when they first met? Things that make you go “liar.”

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Emily meets with Darrelle and brings up the Olivia thing while showing Darelle his new clothes. When Emily asks if Olivia’s his girlfriend he’s pretty clear:

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I love this face — it’s like Emily asked him if he was white. He explains that they broke up the year before. “We don’t even hang out,” he says. Instead of setting her free, the truth has made Emily even more worried. I believe this is her anticipating Chrissy’s next bit of drama.

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Or maybe she’s contemplating the tricky spot she’s in? After all, she told us during the premiere that her boyfriend, Fabolous, tells people he doesn’t have a girlfriend when they’ve been together eight years. Is it really worse to lie about having a boyfriend than to lie about not having a girlfriend? Judge not, I say.

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Back at the studio Somaya meets her new manager who is there to help her make some money quick. Without cash coming in, she can’t pay rent back home, nor can she help her family. Chrissy was right: Not only does Somaya need to eat, she’s got mouths to feed too. Here’s the man who’s going to help:

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Maurice tells us he has an idea for Somaya to make some cash quick. His plan, in four words: “That butt is bananas.” Somaya’s against taking photos of her bananas butt, but Maurice points out that, currently, she has to walk three blocks to take a shower. So she agrees to do some photos and sell them to hip hop magazines. Somaya makes Maurice promise to keep it respectful and not in “video ho” territory. She’s serious and has the serious glasses to prove it.

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Meanwhile Chrissy has to visit Jim’s mom’s house to plan his birthday party. Two things you must know about Jim’s mom, Nancy: her voice is raspier than DMX’s and she’s got great arms:

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One other thing: She’s pretty mean. She says Chrissy thinks of her as “the wicked witch of the f*cking east, west, south.” She also cackles like a witch to prove that Chrissy’s right. Mama Jones wants to have a luau for her son’s birthday, with she and Chrissy splitting the cost and prep work. I think 80% of that is an excuse for her to put on a grass skirt and drink rum, though Nancy looks like a lady who doesn’t need excuses. Or reasons.

“I can’t believe I’m in here, for a 34-year-old man, getting hula skirts for his birthday” complains Chrissy when she has to go shopping with Nancy, who’s a greater-than-34-year-old woman walking around a party store in a grass skirt. See? You don’t need excuses if you don’t feel any need to explain yourself.

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When it comes time to pay, the total ends up being just shy of $400. Mama Jones gives Chrissy $12 because she needs to buy cigarettes. $188 dollars worth of cigarettes, I guess. Somebody just got screwed. Guess who.

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In other money problems, Somaya is meeting photographer Felix to shoot some photos. What’s his reputation in the hip hop industry? “If the girl got a big butt, he shot it,” Maurice informs us. I hope that’s on his business card! But in other words Fexlix’s work is…

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… eye-popping. Somaya is suspicious.

The first outfit that Felix chooses for her doesn’t meet with Somaya’s approval. It doesn’t meet with womankind’s approval, judging by the rest of the faces in the room as well..

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Here we learn a new and telling fact about Somaya: She doesn’t want to wear any tiny bikini bottoms because she has a scar from getting shot back when she was in gangs in L.A. “I will live on the bus bench before I put this sh*t on,” she promises. In other words:

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So Maurice and Felix go with their original plan, which is slowly coaxing her to get more and more naked. For a talent manager, Maurice sounds strangely close to a pimp.

Covered up:
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A little more skin:
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A lot more skin:
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When Felix finally asks for the money (i.e. the “booty”) shot, she’s done.

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Poor Somaya. Give a man an inch, and they’ll try to take the whole butt.

The next day Somaya visits Jim’s studio to play him the track she’d like to have him on. This time, Chrissy’s there hanging out. Things are… tense.

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And Jim’s body language is a bit different with his girlfriend there.

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She plays him her track “Will You Still Love Me.” He’s hard to read:

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and Chrissy is easy to read:

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… because she’s reading Somaya. “I’m not a producer, I’m not a songwriter, I just have the ears, and they were not happy,” Chrissy interviews. Jim gives Somaya some encouraging feedback, but she is a little more concerned with Chrissy’s reaction, since she knows Chrissy’s reaction might as well be his.

The next day Nancy and Chrissy have Jim’s party at his mom’s house. Already there’s disagreement over the wearing of the grass skirts, as well as who should have helped with the set up.

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Chrissy’s spent the whole episode looking like she’s stepped in dog poo, poor lady. Even her brief break from Olivia, Somaya, and Nancy drama is interrupted by Nancy. “It’s better I drink the champagne than some of the hard liquor, because that’s where you have the problem at.” Nancy interviews. Note that she says it’s your problem, not hers. Ominous words for the rest of the season.

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Jim arrives, and he loves his backyard luau.

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Only one person here’s having a bad time in fact:

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Later into the night, Nancy has her friend Freddy rap for Jim, using rhymes that celebrate how special he is. He is – ¦

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… touched. Like Somaya’s booty, I can’t believe Jim’s willing to show this side of himself. “People don’t know he’s a crybaby like that,” Chrissy interviews while laughing about her boyfriend’s tender side. “He’s got … a really soft side. He would kill me for saying that,” she adds. So we know he’s got a hard side as well! Cool.

She takes him out of the crowd to remind Jim that he’s a year older now (as if the birthday party didn’t remind him of that) and that it was time to grow up and stop playing. He closes his eyes for most of this discussion, and I’m not sure that’s out of love or drunkenness. Either way, he agrees that it’s time to get more serious.

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“She means the world to me. She’s there for me, she’s exciting, she’s the bomb,” he interviews. And like a bomb, Chrissy’s pretty easy to set off, so he’d better give her that ring, quick.

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