Audrina – Episode 3 – Feel The Yum Yums


Stop acting like a bunch of wild donkeys, y’all, it’s time to feel the yum yums!

Last time on Audrina, the kids threw a big anniversary party for Lynn and Mark on the occasion of their 26th wedding anniversary. Things went well, for the most part, but the sad fact of the matter is that there’s still some unresolved tension between Lynn and her heavily tatted daughter, Casey. So, in an attempt to work some of the stress out, Audrina invited Lynn to the gym for a (not so) relaxing pilates session.

As the two limber up, they discuss what Audrina has in store for her Australian boytoy, Corey Bohan, on the occasion of Valentine’s Day. Or, as Lynn cutely mispronounces it, “Valentimes Day.” Audrina wonders aloud if planning something like this is usually the guy’s responsibility (hint: it is, at least in my household!), but Lynn poo-poos that idea, suggesting instead that Drina plan something extravagant. Before they can get too far in their planning efforts, though, in walks THIS guy.

"It's pronounced Reh-BELL, not like rebel, you donkey!"

Say hello to Ricky Rebel* (née Ricky Godinez)! First things first. His last name is pronounced “Reh-BELL,” not the plain ole way that you’d expect. Second, he knows how to enter a room with STYLE. He immediately busts out an aerial cartwheel, a move which prompts Lynn to exclaim “He looked like a monkey doin’ acrobats.” Not the description that would’ve come out of our mouths, exactly, but that’s why Lynn Patridge is on TV and we just write about it.

Sadly, though, the antagonistic relationship between Lynn and Ricky only gets worse. She complains that he’s really bossy, he calls her an “old donkey.” While Audrina is complimented by Ricky when she starts feeling the “yum yums,” Lynn brays and makes fake orgasmic noises. In short, this is how Lynn feels about pilates.

Pilates aren't for everyone

Meanwhile, at the Loza household, Casey is fulfilling her obligations as a homemaker by sewing up a hole in the crotch of her husband’s pants. This being the Loza household, though, she does this while Kyle is STILL WEARING THE PANTS. We’d never risk such a thing, but like we said above, that’s why we just recap these things, not star in them.

This intimate (and dong-threatening!) activity apparently gets the two “soulmates” feeling nostalgic and schmoopy, which leads to Casey reading an old card that Kyle once gave to her.

Here’s a choice excerpt: “I can’t control the love I have for you. Each day I spend with you is the greatest day of my life. And no matter what happens, I will always love you and I promise I will never die.”

If there were an emoticon for a needle scratch, we’d type it here. Wait, he actually promised Casey that he will NEVER DIE? Talk about writing checks with your mouth that your body can’t cash! Or maybe, just maybe, Kyle knows something that we don’t. Like, maybe he’s a Highlander? We’ll be sure to check in on Kyle’s well-being for the next, oh, 100 years and keep you up to speed. Good luck with the immortality thing, yo!

Cut to Audrina and Lynn, talking Casey once again. This time Ricky Rebel is NOT invited. The waitress approaches the Patridge ladies and asks them what they’d like to eat. Audrina is all, “We need to see the menus first!” and Lynn is all, “Good one, ‘Drina!”

Anyway, we get more details about the growing rift between Casey and Lynn. From Lynn’s perspective, Kyle is the one that’s driving the family apart. Not only that, but he’s also harboring jealousy towards Audrina, and soon will be tearing the sisters’ relationship asunder, too. We have a feeling that we have yet to see the last of this battle.

Moving along, we zip over to Audrina’s pad in Los Angeles for “Valentimes” Day. (Which gets us thinking: Is she still gonna move? We haven’t the foggiest.) Corey, now on the last day of his break, laments the fact that he won’t be spending his last few hours in Los Angeles making the beast with two backs with Audrina. Instead, she’s got a surprise planned for him, which he responds to by saying “I hate surprises.” Hmmm, are we crazy or did he not just totally surprise Audrina just one episode ago? Looks like Corey can dish out surprises, but he can’t take them. Or something.

So the two resist the urge to spend the day boning and instead hop in Audrina’s ride and hit the highway. Wherever could they be going? For lunch in Hollywood? More pilates with Ricky? Nope, they’re going to see THIS dude.

Welcome to Rip Van Winkle’s Sleepytime Skydiving Institute, where shaving takes a backseat to safety! Because nothing says romance like plunging out of a plane, hitting terminal velocity and freaking the f*** out. (Curious what we have against skydiving? Well, we went skydiving once —ONCE!— and it was the WORST. You can read about it here, if you care.)

Luckily, both Audrina and Corey took to the whole skydiving experience much better than we did. Audrina, in fact, totally convinced herself that she wasn’t nervous at all. However, our cameras show otherwise:

Still, the two climbed to 10,000 feet, kissed, and took a literal (as well as proverbial) leap of faith together.

Back on Earth, it’s time to hug it out.

Ah, young love. Sadly, though, it’s already time for Corey to go home. After all, those shrimps aren’t gonna barbie themselves! This gives Audrina the sads. Forget what Tom Petty said, the waiting is NOT the hardest part; it’s the leaving!

Speaking of which, this recap is officially wrapped. Until next week, kiddies!

Ps, Ricky Rebel is on Twitter!

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