Mob Wives – Episode 5 – Before The Bomb Goes Off


“It seems as though all the girls are getting along,” a pre-scabbed Renee says at the beginning of this week’s Mob Wives episode. By the time the scenes from next week roll around, the hair-pulling that goes down in legendary and the stuff of catfight legend. And somewhere in between…is this recap.

As we open, Renee, Karen, Drita, and Carla seize the opportunity to go out to a supper club of Renee’s choosing because, as she says, “When I plan a night out, it’s VIP.” After convincing the waiter, Salvatore, to dote on them, the ladies get their drink on and during their toast to Renee says “Here’s to real f—g people…aside from my nose.” Honestly, I really never even looked at Renee and thought “nose job,” but we do discover her lust for plastic surgery in this episode, so it makes sense. Later, the women get their dance on, and boy does Renee like to dance. With pretty much anyone.

But while the foursome gets along in a group, Karen still has some serious issues with Drita, who is married to Lee, Karen’s ex of seven years. Karen strictly adheres to the Hos Before Bros code, but Drita doesn’t live by such strict rules.

So all during their friendly lunch where they enjoyed reminiscing about beating the s— out of people, Karen was secretly seething with a twenty-year-old grudge against Drita which would come out later.

First though, Renee wants to turn her face into a bambino’s bottom and get a laser peel that temporarily mummifies her.

And then literally turns her into Scarface.

Ding dong! It's your worst nightmare!

Renee got the peel to look younger, but unfortunately, Carla, AJ, and all of America are having a hard time keeping their Sunday gravy down when they see her. “If Renee goes overboard with plastic surgery, I’d definitely be scared that she’s going to come out one day looking like…maybe Joan Rivers or a cat person,” Carla says, not really joking. But Renee will not be deterred and if her destiny is to turn into an Abyssinian, then so be it.

Karen’s been having a hard time being away from her daughter and not being in a relationship, so on top of having a heart-to-heart with Drita in this episode, she also talks to her ex, David, and breaks the news to him that she’s going to start dating again. David’s not really cool with it.

But then again, David also spent most of their relationship in jail, so Karen seems like she just wants to have someone be there for her, is that so wrong? (Also, is it just us, or does she seem too hung up on Lee D’Avanzo?) At the same time, Drita confides in Carla that she has thought hard about leaving Lee, because she sees how happy Carla and her new boyfriend are. Carla’s boyfriend, for future reference:

Memorize this face.

Even though all the ladies are questioning their relationships, that doesn’t deter them from getting s—faced at Drita’s birthday party

Drita drank her weight in whipped cream vodka in the limo and was blitzed by the time she got to the party, but that didn’t stop her from doing more shots,

handling sparklers,

turning into a gerbil,

and, finally, falling down.

When Drita wakes up the next day, Carla calls to tell her that she helped get her home, but Drita has all but blacked that out of her mind. Renee, however, has not blacked out Carla’s boyfriend from her mind. Because that vaguely handsome blur that treats Carla’s kids so right, treated Renee so wrong. Renee claims Blurry Boyfriend told her that if he wasn’t with Carla, he’d want to be with her, and she is not having it.

Unfortunately, Carla’s only response to Renee’s warning that Blurry Boyfriend is shadier than a magnolia tree, is to keep on dancing.

"Sorry, can't talk, this is my jam!"

Was Carla really dancing her way through her friend’s earnest attempt to help her? We might have to start doing that. “I just wish you could open up and be more honest with your feelings.” “Sorry, not hearing you, just doin’ the Dougie over here!”

Carla and Karen fight their hangover with a workout because Karen wants to land a new boyfriend with a nice loaf of bread. Which is a euphemism for a rock hard baguette. Which is slang for a rising ball of dough. Which is code for a man’s penis.

Wait, HOW big, Karen?You can fit---? Nevermind.

But maybe Karen wants to work out to be ready in case things with Drita come to blows, because when Karen goes over to Drita’s house, it gets nasty. Karen addresses the fact that she feels Drita has been “minimizing” her old relationship with Lee, and Drita responds “But you guys were so done when I came into the picture.”

But Karen doesn’t buy that.

No matter what Drita says to defend herself, Karen still feels f—d over and betrayed, and, as Drita puts it, “It is not smart to come into my f—ing house and come outtcha face like that…This girl really, really trusts me not to f—ing snap right now.”

Oh, I'm sorry, was I giving you the death stare?

And while it would appear that Karen and Drita’s issues are pretty big, nothing can prepare us for next week when —spoiler alert!— this happens between Carla and Renee. This…SHOW…ISTHEGREATEST!

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