Saddle Ranch – Episode 5 – Claw Your Way To The Top

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After watching four episodes of Saddle Ranch, we were pretty sure we were in for a full season of debauchery. That’s mostly the case, but we never thought we’d hear anyone on the show utter the legendary phrase “I’m too old for this s—” and have it refer to partying. That’s what happened in episode five though, after an out of control night that included barfights where the cops got involved, parking lot crying fits, and getting burned by fiery heat lamps.

Robb and Rachel‘s office romance has gone from “Will they or won’t they?” to “They already did” in four seconds flat, and lately they’ve been enjoying the pleasure of each other’s company. (How does Candy the bar manager not have a problem with dating in the workplace, we wonder?).

We’ll call this the Jaws scene, where Rachel explains her battle scars, and while none of them have to do with getting the teeth of a great white embedded in her leg, having a tower of highball glasses fall on you sounds rough, too.

Their bliss doesn’t last for long though, because after a night out, Rachel shows her true colors by having an unprompted freakout where she could not be touched or consoled.

After Rachel calms down (or so we think), Robb coaxes her back to the bar where she instigates a fight with Darth Vader, who’s in L.A. now that the Death Star has been destroyed.

The Vader-voiced dude with the blurry face takes a swing at Robb and Rachel, people go flying, and Robb gets his hand burned by the flame of a heat lamp. And of course, the cops show up.

After Rachel’s drunk, bad-girl behavior, Robb has a think and realizes that even though he’s not a grizzled cop, FBI agent, or war-veteran turned private eye, he is indeed “Too old for this s—.” And he tells Rachel this from atop his balance board. He doesn’t want to have to deal with her drunk BS.

Rachel agrees that drinking might not be the best hobby for her, she apologizes, Rob finally gets off his balance board, and they hug it out.

Meanwhile, there are other people on this show.

Like Nancee, the aspiring hairstylist. Nancee and Dave the Bull Operator-Slash-Server have a talk about what they’re doing with their lives, as is par for the course with this show, and Dave says “I didn’t move out here to just work at the Saddle Ranch.” Dave, keep your voice down, Candy might hear you!

Nancee is the first person to agree with that sentiment though, she only has one hundred hours left as a hairstylist trainee and hopes to bust out of Saddle Ranch as soon as she’s done. But, in the meantime, she gives her friend a haircut in Dave’s kitchen.

We’re a little bummed out because we thought we would see the “After” shot of Nancee shaving and coloring a cheetah print into her buddy’s hair. Alas, we only got the “Before,” and we totally trust you Nancee, but we’re not sure cheetah print will work on your friend.

Nancee gets her big break though when Kim Vo, hair-colorist to the stars, gets seated in her section one fateful night.

Rather than be turned off by Nancee wanting to talk shop, Kim decided to the only logical thing to do was to make her turn cotton candy into an updo.

Nancee tackled the challenge, but the sweat from her hands makes the cotton candy gnarly and in the end, it doesn’t look like an updo at all, it’s more like Nicki Minaj‘s bedhead.

Kim gives Nancee some advice before he leaves, telling her “You’ve got to sleep your way to the middle and claw your way to the top.” If ever there was a perfect piece of L.A. advice, this is it. Well, that, and don’t pick fights with the Dark Lord of The Sith. Both very valuable pieces on information that we learned from this episode. Hopefully next week’s syllabus will be just as informative.