The Single Ladies Movie Recap: A Who’s Who (And Who’s Nasty)

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A toast to our new friends, the Single Ladies. They don’t really need any introduction, but we’re going to give them one anyway.

Meet Val Stokes:

Signature Quote: “You gotta wait 90 days to tap this. I was raised a lady.”

Believes: In soul mates, true love, and commitment, and the film Love Jones.

After Val tells her boyfriend of five years, Quinn “If you like it, then put a ring on it. If not, let’s stop wasting each other’s time,” he chooses the latter and leaves her, in front of all her friends who have gathered to celebrate the opening of her new clothing store.

“I just became a single woman,” Val tells her friends Keisha and April, as Quinn walks out, and the Beyonce empowerment begins.

Further complicating Val’s life is the fact that three short months later, Quinn is already engaged to a new woman named Shelly. So in a passionate, head-clouded-by-sexual-fury moment, Val takes a risk and breaks her 90-day rule by having sex with a guys she just met, K.C.

And not only do they have sex, but they have full-on, backlit-behind-curtains sex.

Silhouette sex is great, but it can barely compare to ex-sex, which is what Val has with Quinn shortly after her tryst with K.C. Val invited Quinn over to her place for closure, but what she ended up getting was an angry fight wherein he tells her he never loved her. Of course that turns into tear-filled, orgasmic bliss, because when someone tells you they never loved you, the panties start a-droppin.

And teary sex leads to impulse buys, so Val goes and gets a Jaguar to reward herself for doin’ it twice in one week.

Worse still for Val, she thinks she pregnant. This woman’s life has more ups and downs than the stock exchange. And clearly she has not thought through how a child’s car seat looks in a Jaguar.

Val is forced to tell Quinn about the pregnancy after he hears about it from his friend Darryl, and he wants no part of it. We did say we’d point out who’s nasty, and Quinn certainly falls into that category. Luckily, as it turns out, Val isn’t actually pregnant, the five tests she took were all bought on clearance, so basically Val was peeing on faulty garbage. During a walk with the girls she tells April and Keisha “I dodged a bullet.”

“The whole village dodged a bullet,” Keisha tells her.

Val sees Quinn and Shelly and tells him she’s not carrying his child, nor is she carrying a grudge about being dumped. “Marrying you,” she tells him, “would have been the biggest mistake of my life.” And in a move one can only learn from watching Basketball Wives, Val throws a glass of water in Quinn’s face and is done with him. (Forever? We’ll see about that.)

 

Meet Keisha Greene:

Signature Quote: “I need a rich man to bring home the imported bacon and have our chef fry it up in a Neiman-Marcus pan.”

Believes: One man will never have all the things she requires.

Keisha has been known to enjoy the company of a man, but what she really enjoys is the company of a wealthy man, like jewelry designer Malcolm Franks.

She and Malcolm have never slept together and they’re both control freaks who enjoy the upper hand, so it makes for a lot of game-playing and teasing.

Keisha is a former video vixen whose mortal enemy (okay, maybe she’s just an arch rival) is Jasmine, another former video girl who found God, and then God told her to write a tell-all book. God does work in mysterious ways, and one of them is by revealing what happens after someone makes it rain.

But Jasmine does know some secrets that will definitely come back to haunt Keisha and mess with her relationship with Malcolm, namely that she knows Keisha has stolen cash and jewelry from the rappers she’s worked with. Jasmine blackmails Keisha, telling her if she can pull off one more heist and hand over the goods to her, she’ll keep her mouth closed. So, like a cat, Keisha silently creeps into a trailer during the Cam’ron video shoot and snatches the shiniest object she can find.

Which is a watch designed by none other than Malcolm. When he finds out his $30k watch was jacked, he’s so upset, he throws Keisha into his pool and is forced to make out with her.

Keisha decides that all this theft and deception is too much for her: she likes Malcolm and swears she will change her ways, but she still forks over the stolen watch to Jasmine. Giiirl, this is not going to end well.

 

Meet April Goldberg-Jenkins:

Signature Quote: “Forgive me.”

Believes: Her crimes will go unpunished.

April is married to Darryl,

but she’s sleeping with Mayor Howard.

Here they are on their way to have sex on the witness stand of the courthouse. One more reason why jury duty sucks. You never know what could have happened on that bench.

Poor Darryl is totally in the dark about everything and wants to have babies with April and take her to the French Riviera, but she’s basically all “Sorry, what was that? I was too busy texting my other boyfriend.”

And when Darryl finally gets a whiff of something, April tells Darryl that she’s acting weird toward him because Val is pregnant with Quinn’s baby. We’re all for self-preservation, but that’s low, divulging secrets like that. It was because of April that Quinn learned Val was pregnant, but then you could say that also because of April, Val got to have her moment of water-throwing glory too.

Unfortunately for April, it turns out Mayor Howard has been sleeping with more than one sexy blonde as the ladies find out from a tweet, of course. (Thus making him another nasty character we’ve got our eye on.) So the cheater becomes the cheated and everything comes full circle, and April seems ready to move past her indiscretions.

“It feels good to be drama-free,” April tells her girls as they hit the dance floor on their night out. And with those famous last words, let the series begin.

 

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