This week on Single Ladies, Val decides to jump back on the dating horse and take a ride on the mechanical bull. But since she’s a woman of morals, she is certainly not going to be anyone’s reverse cowgirl.
Now that Val is officially not pregnant and officially not dating anyone exclusively, she is ready to find a man to date exclusively who will help get her pregnant. So in 2011, the first logical step toward that goal is to scour the Internet, specifically a site called CoupleUs.com, to go a-lookin’.
Val’s employee at the shop, Omar weighs in on how to browse for men online, telling her “You can’t trust online dating profiles—I got five of them going right now that say I’m taller, better educated, and hung like a horse. Only two of those are true.” And here we thought the show couldn’t get racier than the movie. Where are my pearls? I need to clutch them after dialogue like this. (Kidding! Mostly!) Keisha says online dating isn’t her cup of tea, and Omar responds “That’s just because you can’t put ‘gold digger’ in your profile.”
How Val manages to stay true to her values with a BFF like Keisha around is hard to understand. Keisha has the exact opposite idea of what she wants in a man, and it has nothing to do with compatibility or monogamy. When Val tells Keisha that “sex has to mean something,” Keisha reasons “Sometimes it means you’re horny. Sometimes it means rent. Sometimes it means a new pair of shoes and a bag.” And sometimes that sounds like prostitution? Again, are we being too puritanical here?
But Keisha is cynical for a reason, telling her friends “Who among us hasn’t been crushed by love?” It’s just that she also happens to find herself cautiously falling for Malcolm, the wealthy jewelry designer she unknowingly stole a watch from. That certainly complicates things.
Over at Chez April and Darryl, they have some sex
and immediately after, Darryl asks his cheating wife “Where were you just now? Because I was inside you and you couldn’t have been further from me,” to which April, someone who clearly does not understand metaphors, is all “I am right here.”
On Val’s first real online date, things start off well. Val is the envy of her friends when they see her date, Michael, enter the bar.
It’s when Michael opens his mouth that things start to go south. He tells Val she’s well-mannered and articulate for a black woman, and she even has good hair to boot. Come again? Val makes the face we made when we watched this too.
When Val flips out, he tells her “That didn’t take long,” and luckily/coincidentally/conveniently Val’s boy-toy KC swoops in to save the evening and they tell Michael where he can go dip his chocolate stick. (Her words, not mine.)
While Val and KC get to know each other better, things are about to get a whole lot worse for April, who starts to realize that her affair with the Mayor was not so special and she’s one of several mistresses. Even more hurtful is that the mayor has told her to stop calling him. A good idea, but one that April is insulted by.
How dare he!
And things with Keisha and Malcolm hit a road block too when Malcolm gets his hands on a copy of the manuscript that Keisha’s old friend Jasmine wrote, a tell-all about Keisha’s love of scamming rappers out of expensive jewelry and cash.
Despite the fact that Malcolm has a bad feeling about Keisha and thinks she stole his watch, he’s still intrigued by her. But not so intrigued that he wants to see all her parts just yet.
But then guess what? Five minutes later, he’s been persuaded to see her parts after all.
And feed those parts.
Is it hot in here? *cough*
Speaking of the heat being on, when April gets home, Darryl is waiting for her. And Darryl is on to her cheatin’ ways.
Darryl has a calmness to his cruelty like a serial killer, it’s a little creepy. “It’s a shame when you have such high regard for a person and they fall so short of your expectations,” he tells April while stoically eating his potato chips. They watch the news story about the Player Mayor which reveals that April is one of nine mistresses the mayor’s been stringing along.
Darryl kicks April out and she takes her pity party to Val and Keisha’s place where she becomes the Chrissy in their 2011 Three’s Company experiment.
Later, Val and KC have another date where the flirtation between them is so great that Val needs to take the slowest mechanical bull ride ever in order to cool off.
Darryl’s time away from April hasn’t been a cooling-off period so much as a “letting his anger stew” period, and he takes no pity on her as she sobs an apology to him while she packs her life into one tiny suitcase.
This episode certainly had it’s ups and downs, and just when you think it’s about to end on a high note, a.k.a. a DANCE PARTY (USA!)
the Mayor’s wife walks in and spots April.
April stands there while the Mayor’s Wife tells her “You should have kept your legs closed then like you’re keeping your mouth closed now,” and chastises her for sleeping with a married man. I can’t say that’s entirely undeserved though.
Oh, life. You are but one unpredictable mechanical bull ride, aren’t you? Some people take risks and get thrown off, some hold on and still lose their footing, and sometimes the bull operator just wants to see your boobs jiggle. That’s just how it goes for these ladies.