Audrina – Episode 9 – Billboards And Sketchballs

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Professionally, things are going great for Audrina now that she’s the face of the Bremenns skincare line along with her mom, Lynn, and she’s half-naked on a 200 foot tall billboard. But personally? Oy to the vey.

This week, Audrina takes her parents to meet with the makers of a skincare line she plans to endorse. But before the women running the meeting can really tell Audrina, Mark, and Lynn what their product is all about, we learn that Lynn thinks skincare in general is a bunch of baloney. Which brings us to the latest entry in the Lynn Patridge Dictionary.

[S-Vyooo-P]
-noun

1) The active ingredient in sunscreen, according to Lynn.

Usage: “I am a sun worshipper, my skin is like leather. I don’t do all that S-Vyooo-P whatever that is, all that suncare s—, but s—, I look great.”

So there you have it. Pickle your liver and tan your hide, and some day you will find yourself walking in the footsteps of Lynn Patridge.

The product line is then explained by a girl who looked “like a college—probably really smart,” who “started to give us some schoolin’ on…somethin,” according to Lynn.

After hearing the smart girl’s technical jargon, Lynn also becomes the face of the skincare line for older skin.

Lynn might not believe in sun care but she especially doesn’t believe in plastic surgery, as she explains with a visual demonstration in the business meeting.

“If my face was butt ugly I might do it, if I was born like, messed up, I might do it. Like cut it and stretch it behind the ears and s—? Look at Michael Jackson.” R.I.P. Michael!

BTW, is it as easy as that, just bring your mom to your business meeting and boom, she becomes the face of a lotion that saves skin ravaged by the California sun? Must be nice.

Not so nice though? Audrina’s boyfriend Corey. Corey has become a nightmare, controlling her every move, deleting her Facebook account, semi-stalking her, trashing her on Twitter, and literally beating down the door to her bedroom when she was trying to get away from him.

Audrina confides to her father that Corey needs to know where she is at all times and Mark tells her “He’s not your dad. I’m your dad…Dump his ass.” Mark might not speak all that often, but when he does he gets to the point.

Audrina promises that she’s done with Corey and tells her friend Joey so on a trip to check out Drina’s massive BONGO billboard:

She even says that she never wants to see Corey again. Joey says, “Done. SO Done.” (But are they? Because we know they’re not SO done these days…)

Also not nice is the situation between Lynn and Casey. Casey is content to not have a relationship with Lynn at the moment, but that hurts the rest of the family and leads Drina and her father to ambush Casey at a dinner cry-fest.

They tell her they’re throwing little sister Sammy a surprise birthday party and want Casey to come. And if there’s one thing besides her own children that melts Casey’s heart, it’s Sammy. Casey swore she’d never return to the Patridge house but something tells us she’ll be there for this Bittersweet 16.

Audrina takes the soon-to-be-16 Sammy shopping for her birthday and drops $1900 on shoes for her (best birthday ever!), and Sammy tells Drina that Corey came to the Patridge house specifically to cry in his car for all to see, which sort of disgusts Sammy.

And which came as a shock and a guilt trip to Audrina. “You shouldn’t just do whatever he wants because he’s gonna cry about it,” Sammy tells her. She is younger and yet somehow so wise, that Sammy.

Corey agrees to meet Audrina, who has her dad drop her off and wait at the restaurant just like we did when we went on our first date in sixth grade at the ice skating rink.

The big difference is that Audrina’s dad is waiting outside for her in case Corey flies off the handle and gets violent, whereas our dad waited outside because we were 11.

Corey gets camera shy and whiny, yet again, and Audrina tells him what she really thinks about how he’s acting.

And before Corey can justify that with an answer, his menacing stare pierces our soul and we learn that we’ll have to wait another week before any of this is resolved.

Next week…Season Finale!