This week on Mob Wives, things get personal. Renee and Carla are dealing with the homecoming of their husbands in very different ways, Karen is being judged because of the book she’s writing, and Drita? Well, Drita’s gonna teach a raccoon that she’s not to be messed with.
Let’s start things off with the best part of this episode, Drita Vs. The Raccoon. And I wish “The Raccoon” was the code name for a mobster, but it isn’t. It actually is a rodent that’s been terrorizing Chez D’Avanzo and wreaking havoc on the garbage situation.
Drita does what any good Mob Wife in this situation would, shoot the s— out of the “scumbag” rodent with a paint gun. “You have to see the size of the ass of the one in front of my house,” Drita tells her cousin on the phone. “They’re eating clams.” At least these vermin have a refined palate? “There’s not one,” she says. “There’s like six of them. They roll deep.” Then Drita does her best Bobby DeNiro impression to scare the garbage-y crap out of the raccoons.
Which leads her to her Pacino impression when she gets the paint gun and unleashes her Scarface fury.
Drita gets a few shots in, but PETA can rest easy knowing that no raccoons were harmed during filming because the only thing Drita actually hit was the side of a Hefty bag. Drita then asks why single mothers aren’t allowed to have guns (not a law I’m familiar with, but okay), but judging from her aim at the raccoon, I’m glad she doesn’t have one.
Drita also had the task this week of explaining to her daughter Aleeya that her father is in jail because he was ratted out. That leads to a conversation about what a rat is, predictably over mother-daughter manis. When else do you have a conversation like that?
Aleeya tells her mom “I would rather daddy stay in jail than be a rat.” And in this world of mob loyalty, that’s just what a parent wants to hear. Drita says “I don’t know if what Aleeya said about rats is right or wrong, what I do know is, to her, loyalty is very important to her and that makes me happy.”
Loyalty is the theme that runs deep in this episode with all the women, as we see with the way Carla and Renee are dealing with their husbands. Carla has been tasked with getting her ex-husband Joe new clothes once he’s released from prison. Even though Carla’s not together with Joe anymore, she will still do anything for him, so over to the generic, not-quite Foot Locker shoe store she goes. Nothing says freedom like a new pair of sneakers.
Carla also has to explain to her kids that their dad is coming home, and normally foul-mouthed Joseph keeps the swearing to a minimum and gets excited to see his dad.
But Joseph might want to save his excitement because not only does Carla not plan to take her husband back once he’s out of jail, she also plans to make him tell the kids the truth about where he’s been for, you know, six years. And it hasn’t been at the office.
Renee is having husband issues too, and has been spending a lot of time with her ex, Junior. Junior, first of all, has a badass scar just like Locke from Lost,
but he’s also been a point of contention between Renee and the girls, who have been warning her not to get back with him. Renee’s impulses cannot be helped. The man bought her three bags of David’s pumpkin seeds, which are the key to her heart (Karen: “Pumpkin seeds, Renee?”) and Renee is so smitten, she whips out the wedding album to pore over with him and rustle up memories…And then invites him to live with her until he goes back to jail. The ladies are like hellll, no! But Renee’s mind is made up and her life is like that Joan Jett song “I Hate Myself For Loving You,” complete with the clapping along because…(segue)…Renee has also been seeing Dr. Klapper on the side.
Renee wants Dr. Klapper to go Michelangelo on her body and basically mold her flesh into the perfect female specimen. But first, some naked, full-body scans.
Renee plans to turn her butt into her stomach and her stomach into her butt, presumably so people will never know if she’s coming or going.
Finally, Karen is dealing with being away from her daughter, looking for love (and in the meantime, settling for that loaf of bread substitute known as the pocket rocket), and writing her book. Unfortunately, the news about her book is that it will be a mob tell-all, which it isn’t. It’s just a mob tell-some.
“Yes, my father was a gangster, and yes his job was a bad job…I just don’t understand how people can hold me responsible for things that happened when I wasn’t even born,” she tells her writing coach, who reassures her that her book will be a hero’s journey.
This whole episode has been a hero’s journey, if we can be sappy for a sec, because not only was there no fighting, but this was the moment where we saw each woman dealing with the very real challenge of single-motherhood, from repairing a family without a father to, yes, shooting the crap out of a rabid animal because there wasn’t a man around to do it. “We’re the most loving bunch of women I’ve ever met,” Renee tells the girls in the final moments of the show, echoing what she said earlier about how “they fight hard, but they love harder.” And next week, the loving and the fighting is about to get a lot harder.