Saddle Ranch – Episode 8 – All I Need Is A Shot Or Five And This Mountain Is Mine

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On this episode of Saddle Ranch, a shot girl with a heart of gold gets her big break, and a bartender with a heart full of expletives gets mad at everyone (again). And everyone falls down.

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. Week after week, this girl proves that she and alcohol are a bad combination. She says herself that she has a short fuse, but the shes goes and soaks that fuse in five Irish Car Bombs, which not only means it’s short but then when it explodes, it stays mad at its boyfriend for days on end.

When the gang decides to go snowboarding as a group, Robb and the boys leave Rachel behind on the bunny slope to teach the girls (Kameron, Nancee, Cassie, and Alex) how to snowboard. These girls aren’t the best at this sport. Alex manages to roll herself down the mountain:

Nancee wipes out and immediately searches for a bar to drown her snowy sorrows:

And when you have students like Kameron who appears to have never seen people ski before…

They're called poles, friend.

…We can understand Rachel’s frustration as their instructor. So she gets trashed to cope with her situation and tries to get up the mountain with Kameron, and it’s a big ole mess.

But what we still can’t understand about Rachel is what sets her off so much. Booze, yes, as she attests by saying that she had five drinks in twenty minutes, but GAHD, she gets so testy and is so not a fun drunk. She’s even too angry to notice that there are shirtless guys snowboarding all over this mountain.

There’s nothing Robb can do but let Rachel stew in her own anger juices for now, because she’s pissed that he ditched her so he could ride the Black Diamond with his brahs or whatever. (We’ve never been on a mountain for any kind of winter sports, and also we think Robb is a total dude, in case that last sentence didn’t make those things clear.) But yeah, there’s tension on that bus ride home.

So let’s let Rachel simmer on the back burner while Cassie’s storyline comes up to a boil. Cassie met with the ladies of the burlesque group Hell’s Bells, whom she met at the restaurant a few weeks ago. Who are Hell’s Bells? These are Hell’s Bells.

Cassie manages to win them over at her audition, which means she’s finally getting a chance to dance. (Hey, is that a dance show competition yet? Coming next fall to VH1… Chance To Dance!) That means Cassie has three days to choreograph and perfect a routine that’s sufficiently sexy, non-cheerleader-y, and technically proficient to perform at the Viper Room. She pulls off at her show flawlessly.

Until…

She falls into the speakers. And then…

Her shoe breaks and she kicks it off into the crowd and it practically kills Rachel. The audition committee looks a little scared.

But who cares what they think when you’re dating a guy like Hot Nick who comes to your dressing room after the show bearing roses?

Seriously. Hot Nick. So hot.

The Hells Bells mull it over and decide to give Cassie a spot in their group as an alternate bell who will ring as needed when, say, another dancer gets a staph infection from an unsanitized human-sized martini glass. And really, nothing could make Cassie happier. Unfortunately, next week and for all other weeks as far as we can tell, Rachel will continue to be unhappy in perpetuity.