Saddle Ranch – Episode 10 – Closing Time


It’s the season finale of Saddle Ranch! Some doors are closing, others are opening. Kameron got Vajazzled and took four pregnancy tests. It’s a lot to process, but all I know is that I’m gonna miss these foul-mouthed, whiskey-swilling ragamuffins.

Well, Kameron and Jordan got engaged in the previous episode, and everyone is thrilled. Glasses are clinking, champagne is flowing, someone who looks like Adrianne Curry is there to celebrate,

but Rachel? Rachel is a big old scowly-pants. It looks to me like some of Rachel’s early aggression toward Kameron is still present, but alas, it’s actually just jealousy and not petty annoyance that’s to blame. Rachel wishes she was the engaged one, not Kameron. It’s all so [insert Katherine Heigl movie title], but then Robb shakes some honest sense into her.

Well that’s brutal. But he doesn’t end there.

Tell it like it is, pal! That shakedown gets to Rachel and she realizes she’s been a jerk (especially, as we find out later, because she considers Kameron to be her best friend).

Rachel has a heart to heart with Robb about how she really, truly needs to make a change.

And she promises (uhhhgain!) to drink less and be nicer and then they kiss and make up.

And then Rachel brings Kam some flowers

and they literally hug for the rest of the show, all the while, planning Kameron’s wedding.

Bridesmaid! Aww. Will the reception be at Saddle Ranch? Is there going to be a wedding spinoff? What’s going to happen??

The Rachel drama is only one-third of Kameron’s story this week, we haven’t even touched on her Vajazzling or her pregnancy scare.

After accepting her engagement ring from Jordan, Kameron decides it’s only right for the carpet to match her…finger. So she takes her beau to Cindy the Vajazzler, and together, they proceed to have an intimate, pantsless moment. “I’ve never tagged a vagina before,” Jordan tells Cindy, as if he’s a graffiti artist with access to the world’s most intimate canvases.

And then Jordan and Cindy proceed to talk about the future, Jordan’s precision Vajazzling, and Kameron’s job prospects, all while Kameron lies there naked from the waist down.

“Babe, you are delicious!” Cindy tells Kameron when they finish, and then Cindy gives Jordan a big hug goodbye.

This is obviously the friendliest Vajazzle parlor in these here United States. While she was getting her hoo-ha glitzed up, Kameron mentioned that she had been engaging in unsafe sex, which leads to a pregnancy scare. She and Alex wait out the longest four minute of her life after sprinkling her tinkle on four pregnancy tests.

And Alex reveals the results which are….

Negative. No babies being pushed through this va-jazzy-gina any time soon!

Meanwhile, another couple at the Ranch dealing with their level of commitment are Cassie and Hot Nick. Hot Nick surprises Cassie while they’re out at lunch with a teddy bear and a note that asks “Will you be my girlfriend? Yes, No, Maybe.”

Nick is like “I haven’t done this since high school,” to which Cassie rightfully responds “High school? I don’t think I’ve done this since like, fifth grade!” And then she gets this sourpuss look on her face that she must have learned from Rachel and is like “I don’t even have a pen, you didn’t think this through!” Girl, Hot Nick wants to be your boyfriend, use some salad dressing or something to mark your answer. Gahd.

Cassie responds “Maybe,” and not “Yes,” which is kind of cold. Because Nick is so hot! Cassie later realizes she was a) bitchy maybe or b) afraid of intimacy, because she later changes her answer to a yes, as she should. You don’t use a guy as your burlesque prop and then give him a maybe!

And then the entire gang gets called into an important meeting with Candy.

Candy tells them that to test their performance, more servers will be rotated into the Sunset branch of the Ranch, just as they did at the beginning of the season. This certainly leaves an opening for season two, but it also means the end of season one…Who’s going to return, who’s going to finally fulfill their career goals, and will we eventually meet some newbies? Only time will tell. Until then, it’s (cue the Semisonic) closing time at the Ranch.

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