Single Ladies – Episode 5 – The Man Cleanse


This episode was supposed to be all about Val time. No men in her life, just three weeks of floral arranging, French cooking classes, reading all the great novels, and learning to golf. Unfortunately, it ended up being about everything but Val time, to her shock and horror.

First of all, let’s discuss how this episode was full of some of the best expressions we’ve seen from these ladies all season. There were some screengrab gems this week (just wait for Keisha’s tell-it-like-it-is face). So Val, who is tired of a never-ending flow of first dates that go nowhere and feel like job interviews, swears off men for three weeks. She tells Omar that the point of Val time “is to stop feeling incomplete because I’m not dating or in a relationship.” And yet, when she stops looking for love, it falls right in her lap during golf lessons when she meets one Mr. Jerry Waters.

They meet when Val, who decides to take golf lessons, forgets her credit card in her other purse (who hasn’t?) and can’t pay for her golf shop purchases which she has already changed into. Overhearing her plight, Jerry says “That outfit really needs for you to keep wearing it,” and proceeds to drop $2332.66 (which I really hope included the purchase of that golf cart) on Val before running out for a round with The Senator. I wonder if The Senator and The Mayor ever feel sad that they’re only ever referred to as their job titles on this show? Cut to Val’s golf instructor asking her if she’s ready to hit some balls, of course.

As much as I like K.C. for Val, I like Jerry even more. He’s classy, he’s smooth, and as she finds out later, he’s super rich and the father of Quinn’s former fiancee, Keisha tells her. Because Keisha has a tracking device on every man with a multi-million dollar net worth in Atlanta and she knows what’s up.

But Val is the only one with any sort of luck with men this week. First there’s April, whose run-ins with Darryl grow more contentious by the day.

Darryl plans to squeeze every last bit out of April’s trust fund (isn’t he a banker? Why in the world does he need to wring April’s trust fund out when he probably makes what she’s worth in a week?) out of pure spite. It’s not pretty, and Val tells him so when he accuses her of hiding April’s affair. Val tried to be neutral during their problems, but now she tells him “If the Darryl I know wants to show up, I’m here for him. But you? This colossal ass? You can go to hell.”

Brava, honey. But, like a dick, Darryl peaces out, shaking his head at her and driving away in her new, paid-for-by-April BMW.

Keisha’s man started off strong but ended oh, so badly. Her meeting with trainer/pilates instructor/chocolatier Amadeo took a turn for the sexy when their session got hot and heavy and leggy.

After round one of mat-based Pilates, Keisha asks Amadeo “Haven’t you had enough?” To which he cringe-inducingly answers “Are you kidding me? I can never get enough chocolate.” And yes, even though they had just been eating chocolate it still makes me feel funny to hear him say that out loud and unironically. So then they go for round two of reformer Pilates which I hear really reshapes your body.

Unfortunately, Amadeo has ulterior motives for his seduction, being that he plans to rob Keisha and Val blind while they’re both out of the apartment one night. After the apartment get ransacked, the women play the blame game. Val blames Keisha for sleeping with Amadeo, Keisha wonders why Val left all her store’s bank receipts out in the open when they should have been deposited at the bank, and that leads to the best face of the night, mad Keisha.

Ultimately, no one is to blame, they all have insurance and/or well-hidden stashes of cash, and it was no biggie. Except that Amadeo is nowhere to be found and he’s probably in another state by now, having steamy, scheme-y Pilates sex with someone else.

Finally, Christina is having an affair with her fashion professor, which the other women find out when they walk in on her having sex with him in a dorm bathroom.

Look, Val and Keisha weren’t thrilled to be at this party to begin with

but when they see this going on, they’re like

And meanwhile, Omar is hitting it off with a Gaysian, v-necked art boy

so when Val and Keisha leave the party, he stays to get better acquainted.

“I saw you do the walk of shame from my complex this morning,” Christina says to Omar the next day.

“Girl, when are you gonna learn? Omar has no shame,” Keisha tells her, but Christina also has no shame and her flip attitude about her affair with the controlling professor is not going to end well.

After everyone (except Christina) learns a lesson about themselves, the ladies settle in for TV night. Once again, Love Jones gets nixed (poor Val), but while the TV is on, Val’s old college roommate Sharon Love, a tabloid-y news reporter pops onscreen, and as can only happen on scripted television, she accidentally divulges that she and her old roommate Val slept together.

Sharon has an Urkel-y “Did I do that?” moment, but now all of Atlanta knows about Sharon and Val’s lesbian affair. You were saying about that man cleanse, Val?

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