Basketball Wives – Episode 9 – Home Sweet Home

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Back in Miami, everything seems so boring, doesn’t it? Or at least more happy. Or at least more tongue-y.

The happy, tongue-y-ness doesn’t last long.

“I think Meeka is a backstabbing, lying, shady-ass bitch,” Tami explains before meeting up with Royce to give her the lowdown on what happened in Rome. In case you’ve been living under a rock (although let’s be real, even people who live under rocks know what happened in Rome), Tami’s fist met Meeka’s face, and they did not get along to say the least. To the point where Meeka is nowhere to be found in this episode. One less drama queen to worry about this week! In fact, this group seems unusually calm this week, to the point that our normal explosive-o-meter is moot. So let’s just see what the ladies are doing now that the end of the season is drawing near.

Jennifer‘s been referring to Eric as her “soon-to-be ex” all season, and yet as a “soon-to-be-single lady” she hasn’t put herself out there at all until now. Thank God she has a friend like Al Reynolds in her life who knows just what kind of man she needs to be set up with. Tall. Or at least, they have to have a tall bank account.

William fits that bill!

Jen goes on a date with William and they hit it off so well that she invites him to be her date at her upcoming divorce party. (Let’s hope he likes peen-yatas!) Of course, Jen is not as sexually free as Suzie, who shows off her goods to all of South Beach as she does short-shorts yoga.

Suzie and her 1/16th of an inch inseam have no problem with ending a date that might not go anywhere with some fun, no-strings-attached sex, but Jen is more cautious. She sounds hilariously like a grandma, talking about navigating the dating world with “social media” but ultimately thanks to Al, she and William have a good time, but the sparks don’t really fly between them until next week.

Jen is trying her best to stay drama-free for now, which is why she’s avoiding Royce. Like Suzie, Royce has been approached by Eric to appear in his “You-might-need-to-be-naked” movie. But unlike Suzie, Royce took the meeting with Eric without telling Jen.

Royce is also mulling over her decision to be in the film, which is questionable, but she’s open to any and all business opportunities, so it’s not like her decision is personal against Jen. Still, she feels like she owes it to Jennifer to tell her about it in person, and Jen actually goes but leaves before Royce gets there.

Detective Royce uses her powers of logic to deduce that a half-empty martini glass and the ever-so-faint scent of lip gloss mixed with feather earrings means Jen was here but recently left.

Royce is like “whatever” as Suzie explains that Jen just will not meet her face to face. Hey, one less face-to-face interaction means one less chance for beverages to fly.

While those ladies fulfilled their duties for the week creating/avoiding drama amongst themselves, Evelyn was off fulfilling family/Chad duties. More of this version of Evelyn, please! It’s adorable seeing Evelyn with Shaniece and Chad. Although, the tongue stuff wasn’t totally necessary.

“The PDA is just outrageous,” Shaniece says about her mother and future step-Ochocinco as they give their mutual tongue massage. Also, can we get more Shaniece on this show? She is the driest, funniest person on here.

Alas, she’s graduating high school and going off to college so we’ll see a lot less of her now. But on the occasion of her graduation party, even though she’s upset that her real dad and her fake step-dad couldn’t come, Chad is there to celebrate with her. “I guess the third engagement ring is the charm,” Shaniece tells Chad, referring to her mother’s two previous engagements, which throws him for a loop.

He’s like “Two what nows?” but it doesn’t faze him. He then leads his future new family in prayer.

Later, Evelyn explains why things with Chad are so good. “Chad usually does two amazing, sweet things per month,” she says. I like a man on a sweet thing schedule. Chad should teach a class at the Learning Annex to men at a loss for how to surprise and delight their ladies.

While Evelyn was initially annoyed by Chad’s cigar smoke and the long drive to nowhere

when she sees the beachfront dinner he’s prepared for her, all is forgiven. So I mean, that gives him free reign to cup her butt, of course.

During dinner they discuss their public images, and while Evelyn tells her that all the criticism she faces gets her down sometimes, Chad tells her “I’m aiming to be the number one hated athlete of all time. LeBron seems to be outdoing me so I’m trying to figure out a way to outdo him.” And then they smooch and prove that even on Basketball Wives, it is possible for an episode to end with everyone being cuddly.

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