Ton Of Cash – Episode 5 – Ain’t No Mountain High Enough


This week on Ton Of Cash, the ton gets drastically reduced and the team loses another teary blonde.

The contestants on Ton Of Cash are definitely getting more sneaky and forming more alliances now that their numbers are diminishing, but unfortunately, they have their toughest challenge yet and their prize also starts diminishing too. They start the challenge with $770,000 and end it with a measly $341,000. As Temica RoShawn says, she could have purchased TWO nice homes with the money they lost alone. That’s crazy.

During an eventful breakfast where Rusty dares Willy to eat a tablespoon of cinnamon and Willy practically chokes on a spice cloud,

quiet brunette Vanessa volunteers to be the financial adviser. While it makes sense to step up to the plate sooner rather than later, Vanessa can’t possibly know how difficult the challenge will be and she chokes, big time.

The challenge to to move all the money up a mountain with the help of sleds. Gravity, snow, and a lack of proper all-weather gear are working against this group.

Although somehow in his sweatsuit, Chuck manages to look like an extra from the snow level of Inception.

The challenge is so hard that even the strongest in this crew are cracking. James is barfing in the snow, first of all. That’s not my favorite part of this episode, that’s for sure.

And Ava, who had her crying breakdown last week over teamwork and dead snakes, has another breakdown over being sick and dehydrated.

Ashley hugs it out with her, and finally when the two of them are side by side, I’m forced to realize that they aren’t, in fact, the same person.

Back at the house, Amie applauds Chuck’s teamwork, but Chuck can’t hear a word of what Amie’s saying.

He’s very busy concentrating on other things.

As the team leader, Vanessa is up for elimination, and she decides to put Willy and Ava, who both showed signs of weakness (sled on ankle and dehydration due to over-crying, respectively) on the chopping block. And when Willy learns that he is up for elimination, he warns “Theodore Roosevelt said it best when he said ‘You have awoken a sleeping giant.'” Kids, please, whatever you do, do not accept history lessons from Willy. (For the record, Japanese Naval Admiral Yamamoto spoke a…less hillbillyish variation of these words after he attacked Pearl Harbor. Franklin D. Roosevelt was in office at the time, while Theodore Roosevelt had been dead for 22 years. End of history lesson. Sorry for harshing the mellow around here.)


When it turns out the group has voted Willy into the bottom two the next day despite the fact that he thought he was safe, he has to wonder what the hell went on…

See, while Willy slept, Vanessa was busy as a bee trying to get everyone to vote for her. It turns out, James, Ashley, Chuck, and Rusty turned on Willy and voted for Vanessa.

Willy doesn’t know who to trust anymore! Poor Willy. So off he goes to the Prove Your Worth Challenge to compete against Ava in a “Who Can Hold This Block Of Ice Longest”-off. Between Ava’s naturally super-cold Chicago hands and her hot tears, you’d think she’d be able to withstand the cold and also melt the ice at the same time. She’s obviously suffering though.

And she can’t handle it. In a dramatic and beautifully cinematographed (??? word ???) moment, she drops her ice block, and with it, her chance at the one-third of a ton of cash that remains.

I imagine that the sound the ice makes when it hits the ground is the same sound as the Law & Order “ga-gong.” With that, Ava and her blonde hair and big boobs (her words!) scamper back to Chicago, penniless and destitute. Or at least back to her parents’ house.

Thanks to everyone who participated in the weekly viewer poll, because of your texts, last week’s eliminated contestant, Jonny “the Greek Mystique”, won $1,000!

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