Ton Of Cash – Episode 6 – Redneck In A G-String

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Well hello, sexy.

This week on Ton of Cash, things get complicated. The players will do whatever it takes to mess with each other’s heads (and other body parts), and in the end, there’s a double elimination which adds to the drama. But first, it’s Willy Gilley‘s birthday and dangit, he wants to get naked and have some fun.

You know I love me some Ashley, but the girl is a walking contradiction. Like the time she talked about not liking Amie, but then she went and made out with her. And then there was this episode, where she says “I had never seen a redneck in a g-string before but it’s very gross,” and then she slurps a body shot out of said redneck’s hairy belly button

in a moment so gross that Chuck actually vomits behind the couch like this was some 80′s teen movie.

The group is getting smaller by the day and Chuck and Ashley’s goal is to break up the Amie-Temica-Justin alliance. Ashley, who was once just a hider of vagina quarters, has now stepped up to be a co-conspirator with Chuck, which is very interesting indeed. Ashley decides to be financial adviser this week in order to try and get rid of the dead weight she’s been making out with and doing shots out of. Alas, it turns out her financial advising isn’t necessary after all.

Rusty, Amie, and James are also playing some mind games this week too. Oh wait, did I say mind games? I meant sex games. If you’ll recall, Amie and Rusty hooked up once upon a time, but Rusty is maintaining that “it was an accident” and he has no feelings for Amie, he only did it to “get his.” I know this is a game of cunning and all, but that’s pretty d*ckish. So Amie decides to do the most retaliatory thing she can think of, (impressionable girls of the world, please don’t follow Amie’s lead here) and sleep with his best friend, James. I find it weird that these guys have known each other for like two weeks and they call each other best friends, but I’ve never spent an intense amount of time moving money bundles across a lake in an inflatable tire, so maybe that type of adversity brings you closer.

When Dhani gives them their challenge, it involves them breaking into three teams of three. Thus begins my nightmare which is a version of the whole “being picked last in gym class” thing, but the nice thing here is that there’s an entire team here that’s essentially made up of the “picked last” types, Vanessa, Ashley and Willy, who are all considered the weakest. Willy even says they should be called “Team Weakness.” Atta boy, Willy. You’re financially bankrupt and devoid of confidence. Remember those things for your Match.com profile. The other two teams are Rusty, James and Chuck, and Amie, Temica, and Justin.

The groups must move their cash 3/4 mile through a ghost town, and each group can use the help of a cart,

a mule,

or they can pan for gold and reduce their load if they find enough gold nuggets.

That’s what Team Weakness wisely chose to do, but unfortunately, the time spent panning for fool’s gold was a fool’s errand, and they still came in last, if only by a hair. But in a new twist, rather than having a Prove Your Worth challenge between the two people in the group with the least votes, the nine contestants are just taking a vote to kick one person off. Chuck, James, Rusty, and Ashley conspire to vote off Willy, but Temica, Amie, Willy and Justin conspire to kick off Ashley/Smashley/Trashley/Ton-Of-Cashley. It comes down to Vanessa to break the tie, and Temica’s logic for kicking Ashley out is simple.

“I think Ashley is playing the guys just like she plays guys in the strip club. She runs around lap-hopping,” and later explains “She’s gonna use her V and let them put their P in it.” Which is funny because that’s what Temica’s BFF Amie ends up doing, not Ashley. (It’s fine though, because I truly doubt anyone sees the irony here.)

Vanessa is being played by both sides and feels threatened, so she calls everyone out for talking about everyone else. Frankly, it’s exhausting. From there..oy to the vey. Everyone starts calling out Ashley for being skanky, which to me is like the fake-boobed pot calling the stripper kettle black. But it’s also weird that they’re calling her this while she nurses James from her teat.

Ultimately, Ashley actually has a little breakdown, throws a chair, and cries.

Amie laughs at Ashley, which sets Rusty off. “You’re going to laugh after making some girl cry?” he asks, which is a nice thing, but this is also the guy who admitted he messed around with Amie and doesn’t even like her. (Call me old-fashioned but I just believe that sex should at least involve two people who don’t want to throw up when they look at each other you know?) So he makes Amie cry, and then Amie decides to make Rusty feel bad, so she sleeps with James.

“What better way to get back at a big douchebag than hooking up with his BFF?”

“James is taking Amie to Pound-Town and he is not coming back any time soon,”Justin says, scandalized when he sees and hears the pulsating RV.

Rusty decides he wants to bust in on the sexy time, and Temica’s like “Don’t! He’s an adult.” To which Rusty responds “No he’s not, he’s my best friend.” The logic of this group leaves much to be desired.

When James comes to the next morning, he’s oblivious to the fact that mere hours ago, he was a pawn in Amie and Rusty’s revenge game, and he’s like “Umm, I’m prettty sure me and Amie hooked up last night!” So he goes for a walk to confirm things with Amie and hug it out. They leave things on good terms, which eats at Rusty, who makes fun of them, and James defends Amie’s honor. (This episode is truly Shakespearean, if Shakespeare ended every sentence with a preposition. “Romeo, Romeo! Has anyone seen where Romeo’s at?”) Rusty, consider thyself put in thy place.

In the big final vote, Willy is voted off, rather anti-climactically. We kinda saw it coming, but what we didn’t see coming was the chance for a double elimination. Dhani tells the group that they can earn an extra $100,000 by letting the other two girls from Team Weakness, Vanessa and Ashley, duke it out in a surprise challenge. Of course the group accepts the challenge because this is a competition and they want that money. “I never thought I’d be rooting for a bruised up vegan, but Vanessa, you gotta win,” Temica says.

And win she does. Ashley, I will miss you most of all. Keep hidin’ those quarters.