Tough Love Miami – Episode 5 – Sorting Through The Sexy

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Welcome to the Tough Love Miami sexy fashion show and photo shoot! Are you sure we aren’t watching Basketball Wives, ’cause this outfit is nothin’ but net! (SORRY!)

Our dear matchmaker/evil mastermind Steve Ward has put the ladies to the test this week when he tells them to put on their sexiest clothes to prepare for a photo shoot. Leilani, who is used to be photographed looking sexy, as evidenced by her raided Facebook page, is like “Oh, hell yes. Bring it on. If I don’t win, I may as well just slit my wrists right now,” Leilani says. She makes a giant stink about being “different” for this challenge, and dons a tank top and jeans, and when she sees Claudia also wearing a white tank top, she flips out. Like, she flips out more than anyone ever should over someone else also wearing a white tank top.

Claudia, refreshingly, doesn’t fight her or want drama, so she quietly takes off the top and exchanges it for a black fishnet tunic. I know it’s far from a tunic, but really, what else can you call it? If it didn’t have holes, it’d be a tunic. She borrows it from Avonte, who has already worn it and posted it to her Facebook page, if you’ll recall.

Despite the generosity shown in this sisterhood of the traveling pants moment, the top didn’t go over well with Steve or anyone back in episode two, and it sure doesn’t go over well this time either. But the fact that Claudia is posing like a porn star doesn’t help either.

Like Leilani, Brigette doesn’t want to get all g-string at the photo shoot, and says “There’s a difference between sexy and trashy,” and that is a very fine line for some of these women. Brigette puts on a white cocktail dress that I actually thought was pretty sexy, if not for the look of terror and lack of enthusiasm that accessorized the look poorly.

The best part of the runway walk would have to be the feedback the ladies get from the panel of experts, who are experts only in that they have eyeballs and are able to speak in sentences. The best zingers about the women come from this guy:

Avonte, who wins the challenge with her full-coverage bra and boyfriend shirt (God bless Victoria’s Secret for giving me the proper terminology to describe this outfit), wins over the sassy chest tattoo guy and he says “She’s the boss. She’s a cigar and a fist full of 100s.”

As your boss, I hope she fires you for your next comment.

He says of Claudia’s outfit “She’d look great on the back of my chopper for one night.” Claudia is extremely upset by the harsh feedback. Or maybe the fact that this guy is a d*ck.

Poor Claudia, she just wanted to wear a fricking white tank top, but noooo, Leilani owns the rights to that look, so instead of being Hanes-casual-sexy, she ended up being goth-prostitute-shopping-at-Hot-Topic-skanky.
The guys call out Brigette for being too stiff and uncomfortable (“It’s like a JC Penney catalog pose.”), they love Michelle‘s sexy-sporty baseball shirt and matching underpants look (though it begs the question, “Who shows up to a tough love bootcamp with stirrup socks?”)

and they admired Chasity‘s confidence, saying “She posed like she knew she was hot.”

The feedback for the remaining girls is more harsh. After watching Leilani walk the runway in her hard-fought tank top and jeans (when I think sexy I think “Hey, I’ll try to look like a Candies ad!), they chastise her, saying “You just can’t show up, put some effort into it, it seems arrogant.”

Leilani takes that as a compliment.

They criticize Christine for wearing something too short, saying “She could have used a bit of a longer dress to cover the inside of her thighs,” but I’m confused because I get that her dress is short, but how exactly do you cover the inside and only the inside of your thighs?

And then there was Jane. Jane looked cute in her outfit, but for some reason that’s between her and God, she was really intent on taking her top off for a really sexy photo, and that top just did not want to cooperate.

Jane really needed help with her knot untying, but luckily Michelle, whose outfit was the closest thing to a Boy Scout, was right there to lend a hand. It felt like Jane’s awkward moment was like the perfect opportunity for a bathroom break or to grab a drink at the bar, and momentum was all but lost. “Was she planning to show nipple, ya think?” asked Chesty McBikeChainNecklace.

Phase two of the episode had the ladies going on dates and having to perform a surprise Carnaval dance for the audience.

They all had to change into their best skimpy bird costumes and do a sexy dance, which was awkward and taught them all a little bit about themselves. Avonte learned restraint (“Dont do the booty drop! Don’t go urban!”), Christine learned that she can relax while only wearing five pieces of yarn and a feather, and Brigette learned that her tolerance for booze is not what she thinks it is.

Brigette, who is basically pre-engaged to Anthony, was not allowed to see him this week, but that didn’t stop her from trying to get pre-engaged to her date, Frankie.

As the drinks flowed, she got more open with her desperate “I want a husband and a family” talk and ripped a perfectly good pair of fishnets to shreds,

managing to look like a pinker version of the Christmas Story lamp after it was “accidentally” broken. Brigette then got in a fight with her housemates who called her out on her drunk girl behavior. She calls them a—holes and confides in us, “They act like I’m this wasted lunatic! Maybe I’m the only one who likes to have a little fun in the house and loosen up!” As my mother would say, “Do you really need to drink to have fun?”

All of this behavior landed Brigette in the hot seat, with Steve telling her that her desperate talk is not helping her game. “You’re up here because of how you play out your insecurities,” he tells her, and also calls her out for talking about hating her hair on her date.

I mean, I feel like it’s part of the female genetic imprint to just KNOW that “your hair” is last on any dude’s list of conversation topics, but Brigette missed that memo. When Steve shows the footage of her basically telling her date about how insecure he is, everyone is like giiiiirl, no!

Does Merriam-Webster need a new photo for their definition of “cringe”? Because I can take a photo of myself while watching this scene if they want.

So we’ve established that Brigette is at rock bottom, which means from here on out, there’s no place to go but up. Right?

To keep up to date with Steve, make sure you follow him on Twitter (@stevenbward), like him Facebook, friend him on Google Plus and watch his Love Lab channel on Ustream.

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