Steve Ward takes a cue from Liz Lemon on 30 Rock this week by talking about dealbreakers and bringing in a creepy Eyes Wide Shut cast of characters along for the ride.
The women of Tough Love Miami have high standards when it comes to what they’re seeking, (“No one short, no one fat, no one ugly,” says Leilani) so Steve helps them realize this week that their expectations are incredibly high by bringing in a sample of 100 average American guys to see what percentage of them fall into desirable territory for these picky ladies. The men are all masked in a way that makes them look one glowing globe shy of being a dancer in the “Heaven Is A Place On Earth” video.
Everyone wants a man who makes upwards of $100k, and when you factor that in with the specs that Leilani needs someone who’s between 180-220 lbs., Michelle wants a doctor who loves exercise, and Christine wants a divorcee, they realize that their ideal man doesn’t actually exist in the wild. (Hey, new pitch for a show: Tough Love: Weird Science, where eight single women and have them create their perfect man in a lab!) “It’s okay to have preferences, but even your preferences have to be realistic,” Steve tells them.
Later, the women are all in the car having a deep conversation about deep conversation. Leilani wonders what constitutes having a deep conversation and Michelle offers up topics like “the death penalty” and “abortion” which is great if you’re potentially courting a Supreme Court Justice, but in my opinion is never really necessary on a date. Leilani’s confused because the deepest she’s ever gotten with George is talking about her belief in aliens. It should be pointed out that this conversation has been brought to you by Clean & Clear blotting papers. For when conversations about aliens make your oil glands work overtime!
(I know they’re Clean & Clear because I use these very same blotting papers.)
On their actual dates, the women have to talk about dealbreakers with their men.
Avonte is on a second date with Trevis, who tells her his main dealbreakers are “no ambition” and “ghetto-ness.” Avonte jokes that she’s “boug-ghetto.” And while it’s a joke, it’s sorta true (at least the boug part) because she needs a man with a salary, and Trevis is just an amateur referee and on a good night he makes $150. He has bigger dreams, but for now, Avonte’s worried about his accounts.
Leilani, who you’d think would have a dealbreaker for any guy she’s with, learns that her date, George, has Tourettes, which is a shock to all of us.
But he’s just got the twitchy kind, not the sweary kind. Regardless, my initial thought was that Leilani is going to be awful about this and find a way to spin George’s entire being into a dealbreaker. Pleasantly, I was surprised. She must really be smitten, because she was fine with it and explained “If you can’t accept somebody at their worst, than you don’t deserve them at their best.”
Michelle is weird about pronouncing her date’s name Shanon (Chenon? Ch’nan?) and she learned he wasn’t fully on board with having kids, she discovered within herself that that was, in fact a dealbreaker. So in addition to wanting a doctor who has the time to work out five times a week, she also wants a man who wants kids, who will accept her for being weird about saying his name over and over.
Jane probably acted the weirdest on her date with Arthur , but she didn’t land in the hot seat as a result. She tells us “The stress of bootcamp is really getting to me, I just want to get out of here,” so while on her date, Jane dares Arthur to run away with her, out of the restaurant and to…another dimly lit Miami street.
Arthur tells Jane he wants to kiss her and that there’s nothing he doesn’t like about her, which under normal dating circumstances would be the “Happily Ever After” at the end of the movie, but Jane gets scared and doesn’t let him kiss her. They do hug, and at group, she explains that she’s really freaked out because she’s getting exactly what she wants, and she’s not used to that feeling.
Surprisingly, Brigette does the best on her date, despite the fact that she got blasted last week for all of her many insecurities and hair issues.
When the topics of having kids and her own hair came up, it was actually her date who initiated the conversation, and it was easy breezy, and Brigette’s confidence showed. It showed so much that Steve told her she would be allowed to see Anthony again, after two weeks of being grounded and forbidden to see him.
The worst date of the night, and the hot seat, belongs to Christine. When her date Frank asks her for a five minute summary of her life, Christine rambles on for, what was it? How long?
Ah yes, a solid twenty three minutes. It’s telling that Christine gives equal weight and time to “I worked in a car dealership” and “And then I had my daughter and almost died.” I feel like if I were Frank, I’d have to stop her to find out exactly what went on at that car dealership, you know?
Frank tells Steve that he feels like Christine was trying to cram six dates’ worth of information into one date, and that she promised to have fun on the next date. “Sorry this date was like a prostate exam combined with a screening of Crash. But the next one will be FUN!”
Christine’s obvious lack of dating skills upsets her, because for once she wasn’t obsessing over her body, she was instead obsessing over her inability to shut off the diarrhea of the mouth she came down with. And they don’t make no Pepto for that. “You could have turned it to positive town anytime you wanted!” Steve berates her. “I wanted to turn it to positive town,” she whimpers in what is the funniest line ever to be said while crying. But she cries though because she doesn’t know how else to be on her dates, and that’s what she needs to learn. In other news, she took out some extensions and is looking good with her shorter hair tonight!
And she is! But she just needs to edit herself, that’s all.
If you have questions for Steve or just want to keep up to date with him, follow him on Twitter (@stevenbward), like him Facebook, friend him on Google Plus and watch his Love Lab channel on Ustream.