“What is he going to make us do now? I’m seriously done embarrassing myself,” Jane says early on, before she gets her turn at the Land O’ Lies human-sized board game on Tough Love Miami. Steve Ward explains that he has created a game show for the ladies do determine the lies they’ve told in their past. And this is where Jane is not quite done embarrassing herself after all.
Land O’ Lies has been devised to determine what constitutes a white lie, and what constitutes a red lie. Am I a doof for never having heard the term “red lie” before? I just figured there were white lies and real lies. JoAnn Ward is also there to be the judge just in case there’s any lie-color ambiguity.
So what are some of the lies we’re dealing with? Brigette seems to think that dating three men at the same time without disclosing that to any of the men is a white lie. JoAnn, what do you think?
Yeah, red, for sure.
Next there’s Christine, who says it’s a red lie to tell a man he’s the first to make her orgasm, a lie she’s familiar with. JoAnn, help me out.
When Steve asks Leilani what the biggest lie she’s ever told a man, she admits that she broke up with someone by telling him she wasn’t ready for a relationship, when in fact, she wasn’t ready for his small penis. “Hello! If it ain’t more than six inches, it’s not gonna happen,” Jane concurs. But that’s a big, fat, red lie in the Wards’ book.
Then Steve asks Jane if she’s ever lied about being sick so she wouldn’t have to visit her boyfriend’s parents, which she thinks is a white lie, but is actually a hazy shade of, what now JoAnn?
Later, when Steve asks Jane about her biggest lie, she admits “I have lied to my ex about wanting him, just because I’m lonely.” You can always count on Michelle for the best reactions, in this case:
But since this is about lies…JoAnn, tell Jane what she’s won.
Jane admits that she slept with her ex boyfriend all the way up to bootcamp because she’s been horny and she’s been fooling her ex into thinking she wants him, when she just wants sex. “You can’t come into bootcamp and have somebody at home, that defeats the whole purpose,” Chasity says.
“You don’t sound like a nice girl,” JoAnn tells Jane. And this is where Jane begins to unravel. All of the women have proven themselves to be adept liars, but Jane is the worst of the bunch, and Avonte is not going to stand for it. On the car ride home from the game, Avonte calls Jane out for having a boyfriend, and Jane denies it, saying “No I do not, I have my ex-boyfriend that I’m still involved with that I have sex with.”
One of those.
The distinction is clear enough to Jane, so why can’t anyone else get it? Damn. The women are annoyed that Jane’s been lying, but they’re also concerned for Arthur, too, since he and Jane have had a successful relationship up until now. Jane is tired of discussing it though and flips out.
Jane’s red lies have colored her face.
For the ladies’ next big challenge, they have to tell Steve what the biggest lie they’ve ever been told is, and the tales of deception and cheating pour out. Steve wants these lies to fuel their dates that night, and the women have to share these hurtful lies with their dates and prove that they’ve moved on and just like Delta Airlines, they have lost some of their baggage. (Right? Guys? Lost luggage joke?)
Leilani seemed the most worried about the challenge but wove her tale of an ex dating a friend (who was also her boyfriend-at-the-time’s ex? Or something?) seamlessly and without grudges.
Later, Leilani and George get a special “intimate” boat date to nudge them in the right direction because it’s been eight dates and they haven’t even kissed. I mean, what is this, me in high school? (Also acceptable: “What is this, me in college?”) Fortunately, the boat is sexy enough and they finally make their move.
Avonte needs to come clean with Trevis about the fact that her long-term boyfriend was actually married. Luckily, Trevis tells her right off the bat “Don’t sugarcoat s—,” and Avonte definitely doesn’t. She explains that she has trust issues now as a result of her ex, who believed in polygamy and open relationships, which already sorta blew Trevis’ mind in the first place. But then she digs a deeper hole for herself when she says that even though she’s never slept with another man while in a relationship, she has gone on vacation with other guys.
Trevis, rightly, responds with a “Hell no!”
“You ain’t going on vacation with another dude. What?!”
Thank God for Jane though, because if Jane didn’t still have her crazy, complicated relationship situation, Avonte would probably be in the hot seat because of her admission that she a a truth-omitter (that’s the new term the kids are using).
Christine and Frank’s relationship is still chugging along, miraculously, after the last dating disaster where Christine told Frank her entire life story before they even got their drinks. Tonight, Christine divulged to Frank that her big lie is that she feels that her husband never felt passion for her. Fortunately, whatever that relationship lacked, Frank makes up for with this intense kiss.
“When Frank kisses me,” she says, “it’s perfect.” Aw.
When Jane confronts Arthur with her lie-truths, she tells him half the story, explaining that her ex took money from her and used it to bail his cousin out of jail, but that skirts the issue that she’s been sleeping with him this whole time, too.
Later at the house, Jane admits the whole truth to Arthur, who tells her he’s not surprised but he’s like “Please don’t break my heart.” Is there any sentence in the world that’s more devastating?
When it comes time for group, Leilani wins the day as a result of her honesty and ease of lie-sharing and her progress in the physical department. Christine’s date with Frank gets decent marks from Steve, but everyone seems to think she’s hiding something about her marriage (I swear, if this is all a fakeout and we don’t find out what she’s supposedly hiding, I will not be happy). And Avonte…well finally Steve calls out Avonte after she criticizes Christine, by saying “You’re the first person to call bulls— on everybody else, but I’m going to call bulls— on you!”
He then tells her she’s been wrong to justify and excuse her vacations and behavior in her past relationship, but like I said, it’s a good thing Jane had a worse week, because under normal circumstances, all these lies would have definitely landed Avonte there.
Welcom to the hot seat, Jane.
Jane is there not because she lied to Arthur, but because she lied to Steve about her convoluted, messy relationship situation. “You haven’t done anything wrong except keep the truth from me,” Steve tells her when Jane breaks down and admits she’s conflicted, she’s lied, and she’s confused. The big lesson? This episode may have been all about lies we tell others, but the real problem is when we lie to ourselves (The More You Know!).
“This is your chance to finally discover love,” Steve tells the ladies, but how can they possibly discover new love when their exes are coming for a visit next week??