Tough Love Miami – Episode 9 – The Ex-Factor

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Hoo-ahhh!

When the exes started arriving at the Tough Love mansion this week, you would have thought Christine was a drug dealer who was waiting for the cops to show up and couldn’t flush her stash (a.k.a. her emotional baggage) fast enough. I mean, girl was freaking out. But everyone had their issues, so let’s not put this all on Christine. (But then again, it’s not every day that someone warrants their own To Be Continued…)

Things were peculiar around the house when the doorbell rang unexpectedly and Brigette‘s ex Bobby walked in. That set every one of the women off because they were clued in that this week was going to be a bunch of blasts from their past(s). Some took the arrival of their exes well, like Brigette, who’s still friends with Bobby,

and Chasity, whose ex, Thomas, was her first great love. She still loves to wrap herself around him.

But Jane and Michelle and Christine were all freaking out right away, Christine more than anyone, because she’s talked so much about her ex-husband and everyone’s been suspicious about whether or not her reasons for their divorce are actually true.

So Christine was in a panic as if the next ring of the doorbell was going to mark the approach of the Grim Reaper, until finally, her reaper showed up, and his name was Josh. I think about this quote often (too much, probably), but does anyone remember on Friends when Joey talks about his technique of “smell the fart” acting? That’s what I feel like Christine is doing in this entire episode, her face constantly has that “smell the fart” look.

Jane breaks down when she sits down with her not-so-ex, Alan, and when he tells her she’s emotional, she gets even more emotional. Interesting to note that when Jane looks like this

Alan looks like this

and he asks her “By being the way you are right now, do you think you get your point across?” Ugh, this guy is the worst. Wait, Jane still loves him? Okay, then I guess he’s not so bad.

Christine’s interaction with Josh is even worse because it’s sooo awkwaaard. She rambles on about how she lives in “Princess-land” which, what does that even mean? And worse, she tells her ex that her three-year-old daughter lives there with her. Great, so another generation is living in this ambiguous but probably not reality-based state. Josh, to his credit, is annoyed by all this princess-land talk.

Avonte is the only one who doesn’t have an ex show up and Steve explains it’s because, duh, he’s still married. (Also, probably because he’s this guy and he’s already come to the end of the road with her.) Instead, Steve sets her up with Eric, a new match for her. I guess after learning she had a habit of withholding the truth, Trevis was done with her.

Leilani gets an unconventional challenge this week when she’s confronted not by an ex of her own, but by George’s ex-wife, Saura (I’m not even going to attempt to spell it correctly, sorry, Sorra). But like the champ that she’s turning out to be, Leilani doesn’t just accept the challenge, she kills it.

She and George and Sara have this weird Demi-Ashton-Bruce thing going (at least, before Demi filed for divorce from Ashton) and it’s really sweet. Sarra?

And then there was Michelle, who thought her ex George was too flaky to show up. Brigette nails it when she calls George Tony Montana, because this guy has some serious Pacino vibes (no offense to Pacino).

Things get hilario when Sam arrives, Michelle’s pretty new date. “Excuse my language, but what the f—?” she says. What the f— indeed. Poor Michelle has to babysit her “bad boy”ex while trying to impress her new guy and it’s rough. George proceeds to badmouth Sam, making fun of his hair, the way he sits, calling him effeminate, and who knows what else. Leilani tries to shut him up (look at her go, she’s handling her own business and everyone else’s!) and says “If that was one of my exes, he’d be straight out the door.” All while Michelle jokingly tells him to stop but doesn’t actually do anything about it.

Going back to Christine, things go from awkward to worse(ly award). Her new boyfriend Frank shows up and even though Christine introduces Frank and Josh to one another (and I LIKE Frank, but he comes off as like, a bad stand-up comedian when Josh is like “I’ve heard a lot about you and Frank’s like “Don’t believe a word you hear!” …Forced rim shot.) she ends up totally ditching Josh to MAKE OUT WITH FRANK.

I mean, is she fifteen? Who does that?

And worse still, when the girls tell her she was being rude, she admits that she totally forgot about Josh.

Look, I don’t like to kick a woman who cries a lot while she’s down, but that’s so unacceptable, right?

At group, Brigette won the day because of the ease and comfort with which she handled her interactions with Anthony and Bobby. It makes me wonder if she’s got a great with all 37 of her exes, or just the one. She makes a case for herself in the “At least I’m put-together in the friends department” and it’s nice to see.

Steve has harsher words for Chasity who admits that seeing Thomas brought back some squishy feelings and she’d totally re-date him if he’d have her. Poor Al. Something tells me that if their relationship has lasted, it might be dunzo after this episode. Chasity gets chasized (get it?) by Steve and then hears the feedback from Thomas who says that he doesn’t share the same squishy feelings and would not want to rekindle a romance. Chasity is like, oh, oops.

But Chasity’s transgressions, bad as they may be, don’t even make it into the triple hot seat that’s about to happen.

First, Steve brings up Michelle, who couldn’t control George’s behavior, but that wasn’t even his issue. George revealed more to Steve about Michelle in one day than Michelle has revealed about herself in nine weeks. Like the fact that she likes caveman bad boys who beat the s— out of other men who look at them the wrong way. (Not exaggerating. That’s what George said.) And then Michelle admitted that she has the capability to become so angry that she blacks out. Um. When Steve pushes her to admit all of this, she’s like “How dare you?”

but man, have we learned a lot about this woman we only ever thought was a vision-board-making workout nut.

The next hot seat is Jane. That hot seat must conform to the contours of her butt by now, huh? Steve points out Jane’s temper, but then he also points out that Alan is willing to give it another go with her. But I mean, three’s a crowd, because the relationship would be Jane, Alan, and his Color Me Badd chin strap.

The hot seat isn’t so bad after all because Alan actually shows up and tells Jane he’s interested in her as long as she keeps the hysterics to a minimum. It’s sweet but like, what the hell? What are we gonna do about Arthur? Has everyone forgotten about him?

Finally, Christine.

“Did you want to make Josh jealous of you?” Steve asked Christine as she took her spot on the seat and he plays her the footage of her makeout sesh with Frank. “I swear on my daughter’s life that I didn’t want him to be jealous,” is what she replied, but we’re about to find out that we can’t actually take Christine at her word. This whole time she’s been saying that her marriage fell apart because Josh had no passion for her, when…big reveal…Christine is a cheater.

Dun dun DUNNNH!

Meanwhile, Avonte is like “Ahhhhh HA! I KNEW IT.”

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