Mob Wives – Episode 1 – Praying For A Drama-Free Evening

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It’s been a long summer but the Mob Wives are back, and we waste no time jumping right back into the thick of the drama, the friendships and, oh yes, the plastic surgery that promises to make Renee Playboy-worthy. Where are they now? Let’s have a look:

Renee.
Renee, whose lust for plastic surgery cannot be satiated, is back in the hands of her beloved Dr. Klapper.

Renee states that she’s there to get the body she’s always wanted. “F— the gym, I want instant gratification,” Renee says as she heads into surgery to get the fat sucked out of her (and then redistributed into her butt).

Renee is lying on the operating table and all of a sudden she starts having pangs of anxiety and starts to second guess her decision to get so much work done, but it’s too late for that. She’s under the knife and there’s no turning back. However, when she wakes from the surgery, she’s in the worst pain of her life, and just watching her endure it is frightening.

As a result of accidentally ripping her stitches open, Renee is rushed to the ER because, as she says “I lost so much blood that I almost died.” Sixteen days later, she’s still basically under house arrest because she can’t move, but she’s out of the hospital and in serious pain. This recovery isn’t going as well as she hoped, that’s for sure. And to top it off, she’s lonely. She’s gotten calls from her “true” friends like Karen and Drita, but Carla hasn’t so much as texted since the day of surgery. “Carla’s lack of support has shown me that she has no respect for me as a friend. All I have to say is f— you, Carla.”

And as if it couldn’t get any worse, Renee reveals to Karen that she’s been suffering from depression for twenty years and after the surgery, she’s at a point with her depression where she has basically sunk as low as she’s ever been. “I should have just went to the gym,” Renee says in earnest, but it’s still a funny revelation.

Fortunately, Renee does decide to see a new psychiatrist to work on her depression and explains her whole situation to him.

But her sadness isn’t completely due to the surgery, it’s also due to the fact that her relationship with Carla is disintegrating. After hearing what Renee would do to Carla if she got her hands on her, Doc advises Renee to just avoid her.

Drita.
Drita’s divorce is not finalized, but she’s intent on starting her life over, free of Lee. “I married someone who believes in deny till you die,” so despite the fact that Lee isn’t admitting to the infidelities that arose last season, Drita knows her own truth, and she’s not keeping him around. However, when it comes to playing the field, Drita is scared to death of going on a date. “Listen, I’m not scared of anything, I don’t fear ten people with bats coming at me, but I think I’m scared s—less to go on a date.” Drita is also just generally angry right now about Lee, about the woman Lee cheated with, about Karen, “there’s so many f—ing things going on that I’m aggravated about,” she says, “so I think going to boxing is the best idea.”

Agreed! Get it all out in the ring and not on the good people of Staten Island. As she has her boxing lesson, Drita talks about her rift with Karen saying that she hopes they can mend things and lead by example as mothers. And she’s good enough that her trainer tells her she could actually fight professionally, that’s how hard she hits. So…watch out everyone on the receiving end of a Drita punch.

Carla.
“I’m doing me this summer,” Carla tells Drita during their drinks and pool time.

“Single, no boyfriend, no husband right now, I’m not looking for no commitment.” So that’s where Carla’s at personally, although she does admit that her ex-husband Joe is “a good-lookin bastard,” and she’d “never say never” to reuniting with him. But for now…not so much. Unbeknownst to Carla, Renee’s life-threatening complications from surgery are quietly creating another rift between them. Carla can’t possibly know that her actions from last season and by not calling Renee have hurt her so badly, but it’s obvious that things are only getting worse.

Carla says that she had no idea that Renee’s health was in such danger. “If I would have known that she was in really bad shape, I probably would have called her.”

Karen.

Karen is still tight with Renee and she shows up to Renee’s house to support her after the “plastic surgery nightmare” Renee has endured. After Renee reveals that she’s depressed, she hates the results of her surgery, and since Renee was in between therapists, Karen takes on the role of temporary shrink. But Karen’s still dealing with her own issues, namely, Drita. Drita sent her a text as a gesture of goodwill, but Karen is just kind of over it. “I know these messages mean nothing, it’s just Drita being phony all over again,” Karen says. “I feel like the b—h tried to hurt me, and to be honest, I want to hurt her,” Karen ominously intones.

And Introducing….

Ramona and Big Ang.

Ramona is Karen’s close friend since childhood (they call one another “cousin”) and she is staunchly pro-Karen in the Karen Vs. Drita fight. Ramona has heard rumors that Drita has told people that she “put Karen in the hospital” after their fight and she’s been livid ever since.

Big Ang has known all of the women for years and, it would seem, has no loyalty to one group over another. She is an equal opportunity mob wife.

Renee decides to bring everyone together for a birthday party celebration of life party, because she’s still alive. Well, she’s bringing almost everyone together, she invites everyone except for Carla. When Renee calls Drita, Drita agrees that inviting Carla is not the best idea, and she later meets up with Carla to tell her the party is happening but that Renee doesn’t want her there. “Why doesn’t she call me? What is she, twelve?” Carla asks. “She’s a f—in’ bi-polar b—ch. One minute she likes you, one minute she don’t.”

Carla says she wouldn’t have gone to Renee’s stupid party anyway (who’s twelve again in this scenario?) and that their issues are better left for another day.

When Renee spoke to Drita about the party, Drita also mentioned that she’s anxious to see Karen and tells Renee she’s been wanting to have a chat with her. Renee bluntly tells her, “I would prefer that you and Karen stay in your own corners.”

“This party is about fun and life and happiness,” Renee says. But…it turns into the exact opposite.

As Karen and Drita ready themselves for the party, they both seem to want to be polite and nice and adhere to the “separate corners” rule. On her way to her own party, Renee says that she’s endured enough drama lately and she’s just “praying for a drama-free evening.” When Renee walks in, she really makes an entrance.

And the first person she makes a beeline for is the one person who was there for her throughout her entire recovery, the person who she says has never been there for her as much as he was in these past couple of months, Junior.

Tensions arise at the party when Renee invites all her girls up to the dance floor and instead of mingling with the likes of Karen and Ramona up there, Drita goes outside. Big Ang tries to broker a deal and asks Drita if she’ll try to resolve things with Karen then and there, even though everyone has been saying all night that it would really be best if these two stay away from each other and talk about their issues another time. WHY DOESN’T ANYONE REMEMBER THAT THAT’S WHAT THE PLAN WAS?

“All of a sudden I see Ramona and Karen headed towards the balcony,” Renee says. “Someone’s going over.”

Next week, that is. Someone’s going over next week. Because that’s when all hell breaks loose. Like this:

and, oh yeah, like this. It may look like Twilight, but it most definitely is not.

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