Come out, come out, wherever you are, Derek Tobacco!
So last week, we left off with Renee ominously predicting that someone would be going over the balcony this week. Karen and Drita, who have not seen each other since the reunion and still have lingering feelings after their rooftop brawl, have kept their distance from one another, and here and now at Renee’s celebratory party, they’ve decided to hash things out. New castmember Big Ang was just trying to broker a peace deal, but she’s not ready for a job at the U.N. just yet based on what’s about to happen.
“Listen, this is killing me. I’m not comfortable around you. I cannot live like this,” Drita tells Karen. Drita really seems to feel bad about things and want to reconcile, but Karen brings up the fact that their beef isn’t about Lee, it’s about Drita denying their friendship. “I never said we weren’t friends!” Drita says, but thanks to clever editing, we see a shot of her on the rooftop bar last season shouting at Karen “It’s important to state the fact that I was not your friend!” just before the fists flew. Caught in a lie, or change of heart? YOU BE THE JUDGE!
“What is it? We’re either friends or we’re not friends,” Karen says. “She’s a f—ing coward-ass b—h who can never tell the truth,” that’s what Karen thinks, and despite everyone’s better judgment, she gets into it with Drita (verbally…for now). Among other things (besides the status of the friendship), Karen is also mad that Drita has allegedly been telling people she put Karen in the hospital after their fight, which Drita says she was told. “Usually when I do attack someone,” she explains, “they end up IN. THE. HOSPITAL.”
I love this picture of Big Ang talking to Ramona about those two, because it’s such a clear representation of optimism vs. realism.
Ramona’s like, “Really?”
Meanwhile, who’s party was this again? Oh, right, Renee’s. “These f—ing b—hes better not even think of ruining my party,” she says as she watches them from the corner of her eye.
(Hey, since I have to bleep out so much of the dialogue in this recap, might I remind you about the Mob Wives Swear Jar contest?)
Karen’s blood is obviously boiling a little and she provokes Drita when she tells her she has to stop herself from going over to Drita’s house every day to confront her. “I’m standing in front of someone who’s acting like Tony Tough Guy,” Drita says. “Why did you tell someone you want to talk to me, when all you wanna do is fight with me?”
And then Tina Tough Guy (Ramona) comes out to make Drita even more upset. Ramona simultaneously tries to break things up while also making the situation worse because she and Drita dislike each other so very much, and in two seconds, a spark ignites and the party is in flames.
“How dare anyone cause a f—ing problem at my party?” Renee asks. “These f—ing b—hes! Not one night could they respect me enough to behave!”
Not to worry though, because Derek Tobacco’s (of the Staten Island Tobaccos, I presume?) got Drita. Derek ushers Drita away from the fight, but in the process of containing her, it appears like he hit Ramona and draws blood, and that turns this flame of a fight into a searing fireball.
“How can a man hit a woman?” Karen asks, and Renee asks “I’m so confused at this point, how could anyone accuse Derek of hitting a female?” But Karen and Ramona are out for blood. “My celebration of life party turned into death at a funeral,” Renee says.
Renee is dealing with Drita in a van in the parking lot, trying to convince Drita that the fight wasn’t a setup, that Drita was not invited to the party just to be a target, but Drita is hyperventilating and freaking out and just wants to be left alone.
Meanwhile, up in the ballroom, Derek Tobacco comes back to the party and as soon as Ramona and Karen see him, they go for the jugular. “I want him charcoaled,” Ramona says, introducing a new and very scary verb into our vocabularies.
Renee sends Drita home and screams for everyone to “Go home now! You ruined my whole f—ing night!”
“When you see a group of guys who come from my lifestyle all in a huddle, they’re thinking ‘Who the f—‘ are we gonna get?'” Renee says when she notices Junior and several other party-goers plotting to kick Tobacco’s ash.
“This has gone way past serious,” Renee explains now that the men are involved.
Has s— on reality TV ever gotten this real? I mean, seriously, for a brief moment it felt like watching a snuff film because Derek’s life really seemed to be in danger when this lynch mob heads out to the parking lot to find him and hurt him. Renee tried to make the whole thing stop, to her credit. For the love of God, the woman ran through the parking lot barefoot to try and save Derek, and fortunately he drove off before he could get his ass handed to him.
The next day, all of Staten Island is talking about the party. Big Ang is re-telling the tale to her friend and when she describes the absolute mayhem and lawlessness that abounded,
her friend, who I love, is like “What are we, animals?”
(it’s funnier with the Staten Island accent, I guess…it reads pretty flat on the page.) Big Ang is like “We never even got to sing happy birthday or get a piece of the cake!” Yes, but we also didn’t see Derek Tobacco turned into a human torch, so the night had it’s upside.
Maybe the most infuriating part of the situation is that the day after, while everyone discusses the night’s events and gets over their fight hangover, Ramona and Karen made the realization that Derek never hit Ramona.
Ramona did get hit, but she was nicked by Drita’s ring and not hit by Derek, so the witch hunt that went down was all for nothing. Derek Tobacco, I just want you to know that I for one feel terrible about this situation on your behalf. But I’m also supremely relieved that your getaway driver was able to get you out of there in one piece. Over at Renee’s she and Junior share the same story,
and Junior admits he lost it when he thought Derek hit Ramona, but that when he realized he didn’t actually do it, Junior apologized to him. So that was nice. “You can’t put two people who hate each other in the same room with alcohol,” Junior tells Renee. He has a point, but am I wrong in thinking the whole night was going okay until Ang tried to make peace in the Middle East?
“It’s my fault all this happened,” Drita tells Carla, who comes over to find out the story and check out Drita’s bloody, black eye.
How ’bout from another angle?
“I had no business going somewhere that I wasn’t comfortable going.” She explains that her buttons were pushed when “Fatal Attraction and Lucifer,” her pet names for Karen and Ramona, respectively, walked in. Drita talks about feeling like she was set up and how she felt like with Ramona/Lucifer there, she felt like it was an unfair fight, concluding that she “will never try again to make up with Karen again.” Karen has come to a similar conclusion over at brunch with Ramona, so at least, for once, they’re on the same page.
Later, blah blah blah, Karen and Ramona go to a mob museum and we learn more about how Sammy “The Bull” got his name, and how Ramona’s grandfather, Lefty Guns Ruggiero, was portrayed (in some ways untruthfully, she says) by Al Pacino in Donnie Brasco. I mean, what, you expect me to watch this scene all calm-like when I can still barely catch by breath and wonder if Derek Tobacco might have PTSD from the battle he just fought? It’s nice to see this element of the ladies, but I’m not ready to mellow out from the brawl of the century just yet.
And finally, in a scene that’s both uplifting but heartbreaking, Renee and Junior meet up to discuss their future. Junior tells Renee that when she was in the hospital, he realized he wouldn’t know what to do without her. Their history is long and complicated and they’ve spent nearly as many years apart as they did together, but Junior tells her “I think we got a shot.”
“This is a good day,” Renee tells Junior, hugging him close. But knowing what we know about Junior, the good days might be numbered…