Mob Wives – Episode 4 – Tell Me Something I Don’t Know


There’s still a lot of relationship repair that needs to happen on this program, but if we could just freeze this moment to embrace the mostly copacetic vibe around these parts, that would be great. I mean, who would have thought all of Karen and Carla‘s hand-waving-in-the-face would have ended with shots? (And I don’t mean gunshots.) There were quite a few surprising moments on this episode, as Big Ang can attest to.

But first, we pick up where we left off last week after Karen received a call from Ramona, who had just been released from jail.

“I never wanted to fall in love with someone who was a part of this lifestyle,” Ramona says as she explains her ordeal of being pulled over, handcuffed, and taken to jail by the police. She and her boyfriend were both taken in by the police for reasons she’s still unsure of, she tells Karen that despite asking the police what she was being restrained for, no one answered her.

“It brings me back to my childhood,” Ramona tells Karen, and then explains to us “I was ten years old when my grandfather went to jail, and I’m still in a place that I don’t want to be about it.” Ramona later tells us that the world of organized crime was shielded from her as a kid. Karen’s family was more open about their involvement, to an extent, but Ramona has never really known this life and have never sought it out. Eventually she learns that her boyfriend was allegedly involved in some DEA drug scandal that’s all over the news, so even though she may not have sought the life, it seems to seek her out.

Over at the Drunken Monkey (what, doesn’t everyone have a local bar named the Drunken Monkey? Look it up, it’s actually Big Ang’s bar) Carla and Drita show up to hang out with Big Ang.

Drita calls Big Ang “The Godmother,” and tells us “She’s awesome.” Tell us something we don’t already know, Dreets. “And who does not love a woman that talks like that?” Not us! Or..not not us? We love her is the point.

Big Ang tells us that “Ten years ago I owned a bar called Nocturnals” and Drita fills us in that she used to fight in her bar all the time. Big Ang explains that Drita is like her son A.J. who, at 22, seems to get himself arrested every week, and as she speaks of him, she gets a text that A.J. has just been in a car accident and his car is totaled. Eventually when she meets up with A.J. for a nice lunch,

she tells him in he most amazing Big Ang way (that reads way too flat on a blog) “You’re lucky nothing happened to that handsome face of yours!” Wait, do we have audio of that?
We do!
The two discuss their love lives and Ang tells A.J. that she’s started seeing a new guy who just got out of prison. “Twenty eight years he did for MUUUURDERRR!” she tells A.J.

And when your family has mob ties and you’re used to stuff like that, A.J.’s reaction is probably not all that weird.

“That don’t make him a bad guy,” he says.

I repeat: “THAT DON’T MAKE HIM A BAD GUY,” is what her son replied after learning his new daddy just served 28 years for murder.

I admit, when you’re a suburban kid who flinches just remembering what it was like to watch Casino, your first thought about having a murderer boyfriend isn’t “Not a bad guy!” It’s more like “How did this Craigslist date go so very wrong?” but maybe that’s just me. Then she tells him that her new beau is buying her a puppy. A what?

One more time, a what? A puppy.

Big Ang also worries that A.J., who is jobless, isn’t focused enough on his career, and like Ramona, she doesn’t want anyone else in her family to get involved in “the life.” When he tells her he’s not interested in a job, she’s not psyched.

Renee meets up with Karen to tell her that she’s squashed things with Carla, and Karen is hesitant to applaud this because she has her own beef with Carla. In fact, she had a choice description of Carla, but it was so awful that it all had to be bleeped out. Something about “She can lick my [cuckoo clock/fire alarm/old-timey car honking sound] and when she’s done, she can [rooster crowing/Benny Hill theme music/trolley car bell]!” Renee is like, I don’t have any soap, but here’s some Purell to wash your mouth out with, friend.

“Karen has so much animosity for Carla, I think Carla better watch out, as soon as someone provokes Karen she comes for you. And she’s a tough bitch,” Renee tells us. Tell me something I don’t already know about Karen, Renee.

“I have to admit, I am quite bossy,” Renee says (last time , I swear: tell us something we don’t already know, Renee) as Junior moves his furniture in to her house. “It’s been a problem for Junor and I in the past.” She jokes that she realllly must be in love with him to allow him to move in yet again, and after a few arguments about where things go, they show that love off.

Renee also vows to try to be less bossy. We’ll see…

It’s now time to welcome back our old friend Derek Tobacco, who made it out of Renee’s party just barely alive, and he’s here now to recount the tale of the time he almost got rubbed out by an angry mob at a celebration of life party.

Drita just wants to know details of the night which may have passed her by when Derek was holding her (and/or while she was blacked out, since we know Drita tends to get rage blackouts when she’s whaling on her prey). Derek pleads the fifth and refuses to incriminate Karen when Drita asks him if Karen threw punches while Drita was being held. But then he kiiiinda confirms it when they piece together the series of events that led to Drita getting punched in the eye. “Only punks do that,” Drita says.”I have no problem fighting them again, I don’t care.”

Of the final two scenarios (Renee having Karen, Ramona, and the kids over for dinner and then Karen and Carla’s inevitable confrontation) I would have predicted that one of them would have gone left and ended with a screaming freakout, but I would not have predicted that it would be Renee’s family dinner.

As soon as Karen and Ramona arrive, Renee is in a mood, saying “You know what gets me about these girls? They all own Rolexes but none of them can be on time?”

Renee’s just in a funk because A.J. (her son, not Big Ang’s A.J.) has been acting out. Earlier that day, he kicked her bedroom door in, he refused to clean up after himself, and he even told Renee he wished she and Junior don’t work things out. Junior’s theory is that A.J.’s head is clouded by love, but the behavior is driving Renee crazy. Thank God for her white wine, extra ice.

Renee is so distraught over the fact that the men in her home don’t pick up after themselves and they leave crumbs everywhere, that she even takes it out on Karen and Ramona’s kids. They’re just sitting there playing and waiting for dinner to be served when she does a drive-by chair-shake, yells at them to be quiet for five minutes, and elicits this reaction from Ramona’s daughter.

Renee is so angry about these crumbs, she’s slamming lasagnas around, she’s abusing dish towels and she’s just off her rocker. “Clean the f—ing mother f—ing crumbs!” she yells. And Ramona, who up till this point has been trying to calm her friend, slips in this comment and this doesn’t help.

“She’s being over-compulsive or…she might be drunk,” Ramona says to explain away Renee’s behavior. Whichever one it is, it’s totally insane and makes me ashamed to think of how much the crumb tray in my toaster would freak Renee out.

“Speaking of bitches, what happened the other day with Carla?” Ramona asks Renee. So Ramona and Carla are destined to never be friends, but after Renee fills the women in on their reconciliation, it’s time for Karen to meet with Carla to see if they can come to some kind of understanding. It starts off very rough. Carla barely settles into her chair when Karen tells her “To be honest, this whole entire summer, I’ve hated your guts.” Waiter, could I get some *cough* water over here?

Carla is surprised because even though she hasn’t reached out to Karen for the whole summer, she doesn’t have any of her own beef with her.

Karen has a list of issues with Carla ranging from “I thought you were laughing during the rooftop fight,” to “You didn’t call Renee in the hospital,” to “I’ve heard you and Ramona are arch enemies,” but interesting enough, none of these things seem like they’re directly targeting Karen. Carla admits her laugh was a nervous laugh, and she really doesn’t want to be “arch enemies” with anyone. “She keeps defending Drita’s lies and it’s getting me hot, it’s getting me mad,” Karen says. Karen is mad enough that she tells Carla “I wish you would have come to Renee’s party to be honest, because I think you would have found it funny when your friend got a f—ing black eye. And I’m proud of it. I’m proud of it.” Yikes. Also yikes? When Karen tells Carla that Drita “Can lick my mother-f—ing p—y in f—ing Macy’s. I don’t give a f— about her.” Hopefully she’d get some Star Rewards for that. But why bring Macy’s into this, now that’s all I’m going to think of when I need to go there, thanks a lot, Karen.

“You don’t wanna go to war wit me,” Karen warns Carla, who responds “And you don’t wanna go to war wit me!” and they both stand, although Carla is ready to leave, and Karen is ready to fight. Carla walks away but Karen follows her looking so ready to fight, but the issue is still about Drita right now, and Carla wants to get off the subject pf Drita to discuss what Karen’s real problem with her is.

“After I get up in Carla’s face I realize I don’t wanna hurt her,” Karen says. Karen even goes so far as to generously say “You know, you’re really not that bad of a person.” Aww! At least Carla can laugh at that.

And by the end, they shake, they do a shot, and they agree to get along.

And that’s how it’s supposed to go. “I can respect that fact that she’s loyal,” Karen says of Carla, which is generous and even complimentary. “Even though she’s loyal to a ho.” Theeere it is.

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