Welcome back, Basketball Wives! We’ve missed you, we’ve missed the drama, we’ve missed those frenemy-ships, and or course, we’ve missed Suzie being Suzie. In this case, Suzie being Suzie involves inappropriate public displays of mimed pepper mill molestation. What else did you expect?
The episode beings pleasantly enough. Sure, in the “Last season on…” we were reminded that Evelyn and Jennifer has their differences last year, but I thought they resolved all of that in an Italian hotel room while Jennifer cried and Evelyn still half-watched TV while lying in bed and accepted Jen’s apologies.
I really never would have imagined that they could have backtracked to the point where Evelyn threatened to punch Jen in her “mother-f—ing face” right there in front of everyone. But we’ll get to that. Let’s begin with the pleasantness.
Evelyn is meeting with Diane Valentine, the world’s most appropriately-named wedding planner. Evelyn wants her family, specifically the five children she and Chad have from previous relationships (no Pepe and Esteban for them just yet), to be the focus of the wedding. Not the focus of the wedding: bridesmaids.
“I only want the people who have been positive from day one to attend our wedding,” she says, which means, obviously, no Jennifer.
Jennifer and Suzie are both living in New York at the moment and meet up for drinks to set up the fact that Jennifer hasn’t spoken to Eric since their drink-toss disaster (“What kind of man throws drinks?” Suzie asks, scoffing at Eric’s behavior. Yeah! What kind of man throws drinks?? I guess just the kind of man who hangs around women who throw drinks.) nor has she spoken to Evelyn for who-knows-how-long?
Evelyn meets up with Tami to tell her the exact same thing about her friendship with Jennifer, that it has pretty much run its course and she’s made no attempt to get in touch with her. Tami is genuinely disappointed by this news,
but Evelyn doesn’t care anymore. Her feelings on Jennifer are thus: Just do you, girl. Just. Do. You.
It wouldn’t be Basketball Wives without some fresh blood to be put to the test. Last season, obviously, Meeka was not a welcome visitor, but so far, Royce seems to have befriended Kesha.
“You’re like a breath of fresh air,” Royce tells Kesha who, despite being engaged and then left at the altar, seems down to earth and has a lot in common with Royce. Royce has also befriended a jacket from Michael Jackson’s blue period.
Before Kesha can meet the other women, she takes Royce to meet Kenya, whom she has known since both of their significant others played ball together. Kenya is a singer, a shoot-for-the-moon type whose goal is to win a Grammy. Forget that she hasn’t actually released any music yet, but at least she has goals.
Kesha and Kenya have yet to meet the other women, and they are dying to know how Royce feels about everything, but Royce doesn’t want to cloud their brains with all her own bad experiences, so she pleads the fifth and tells them to form their own opinions. “You’ll see,” she says. “You’ll see.”
These lips are locked.
Hopefully Kesha will not pull a Meeka and immediately start turning around and talking to everyone behind everyone else’s back.
First, Kesha eases into “the circle” by meeting Suzie. “Kesha walked in and my first impression was ‘Wait a minute, this doesn’t look like a Kesha,’ and she sounds like a redneck hillbilly,” Suzie says. Suzie can deny that she has foot-in-mouth disease all she wants, but I think from this statement, we can all confirm that diagnosis.
Suzie and Kesha swap stories about the dating scene (“Dammit! I’m going to be forty in seven years!” Suzie says, not realizing she’s the unironic version of Sally in When Harry Met Sally) and then Kesha wonders how she’ll fit int the circle because, she says “I’m a drama-free person. I’m sweet and I’m southern, but people are not going to walk all over me and disrespect me.” Kesha seems to like Suzie up to this point but (there’s always a but on this show), the next time they meet, with Jen and Kenya thrown in the mix, things get turned on their head. Did I say head? Sorry, that must have been Suzie’s influence.
When Kesha meets Jen, her first impression was…not great “I’ve never used this word, ever. But Jen is the epitome of bougie.”
Her second impression was that she felt like Jen wanted to be impressed. “She gave the overall feeling of Kenya and I are there to prove we’re cool enough,” she explained.
Then there was Suzie, who gave a full-on demonstration of how to please a man by miming a waiter using a pepper mill.
That made the new girls uncomfortable.
The newbies, still on their whirlwind tour of meeting people, are whisked off to lunch with Royce and Tami next, where they regaled Tami with their tales of their bougie/blow-jobby night with Jennifer and Suzie. Kenya claims that she loves bougie, so therefore she loved Jen, and Tami agrees that “she got bougie covered.” When Tami reports back to Jen and Suzie, they both take offense to everything the new girls said, even though it was all, you know, the truth. I mean, look at this. It’s a lil’ boug.
“Jen, you are bougie, girl. It’s not like they were lyin’!” Tami says.
There’s a common theme, and I wonder just how much it will stick this season, and that is the theme of forcible peace. See, everyone seems to take the same “It is what it is” attitude when it comes to their relationships with everyone else, but on Basketball Wives, just like on Scooby Doo, no one gets away with anything, and it’s all because of a few meddling kids. The kids in this case are Suzie and Tami. Suzie wants to get Jen and Royce together because I think she feels like since they’re both estranged from Evelyn now, they’ll be able to talk again. And Tami wants Jen and Evelyn to get together because they’ve been close for over a decade and it just seems wrong that they’re drifting. “Y’all are the weirdest best friends I have ever seen like, in my entire life,” Tami says she wants everyone to get together in a group because she doesn’t want this to be a she said/she said situation, she wants everyone to hear everything from both sides. Jen is open to that, but as you can see, when everyone does get together…It blows up.
Finally, the core group, the inner circle, including Shaunie (welcome to the show, Shaunie!) gets together to learn just what is at the root of the Evelyn-Jennifer tension.
Evelyn explains that after their trip to Rome, she read a blog post that Jennifer wrote that said something to the effect of “How could Evelyn say I chase the same type of men? How could she say such a thing?” and Evelyn, who was already heated to begin with but is getting more heated by the second, says “That means that I’m a liar, right?” Jen pawns that off saying her publicist wrote that blog post, and Evelyn says “You think it’s real smart to have people writing stuff for you that you don’t approve?” and Jen basically fails to see what the big deal is. “I’m really not worried about blogs, I’m probably sipping champagne on a yacht somewhere,” Jen “How dare anyone call me bougie?” says.
“What do you want from me, Evelyn? Do you want an apology?” Jen asks, and she’s also getting pretty heated at this point, but she’s not like, going crazy or anything. But Evelyn doesn’t like what she’s hearing and tells her, “Jennifer, tone it down, I’m going to punch you in your motherf—ing face.”
“I don’t know if it’s with malice or if Jennifer’s just stupid.” “My thing is this: We don’t have to be friends but we don’t have to be enemies.” Jennifer says.
“You’re not my friend. You are my enemy,” Evelyn replies. As Jen cries, Evelyn tells her “Take your crocodile tears and go talk to your publicist.”
“You’re a mean bitch, Evelyn,” Tami tells her.
Your intentions were noble, Tami, but…So much for making peace.