What happens when you take any of our shows on the road? Mayhem, usually. And this week’s installment of Mob Wives was no different. There was fighting, there were security guards, there was drunk-dialing, and then there were the fake teeth. Sexeh! In short, it was indeed “Some f—ing trip.”
Of course Big Ang is into the horse races. Of course. The episode kicks off with Big Ang taking Carla and Ramona to the track so they can do a little gambling, scream their lungs out, and in Ramona’s case, have an excuse to get dressed up. They meet Karen afterward, and while they four of them chat (I mean, who would have thought that the four of them would ever sit down for a pleasant meal like this one?), they plan a weekend away in the Poconos. And of course, Big Ang brings up whether or not they should invite Drita, and Karen and Ramona give the world’s deadliest death stare.
“I feel bad for Carla because she’s going away with nutcases,” Drita says when she learns about the trip. So that settles it, Drita is definitely not going. Carla’s main concern is that she’s going to be stuck in the middle of some heavy Drita-bashing and she doesn’t want to deal with that.
Renee has made Junior a delicious-looking birthday breakfast and the two of them have a nice little morning, along with AJ, figuring out how old Junior is in jail-years. Yeah, this is a thing we learned watching the show, when you’ve been incarcerated, you’re supposed to subtract the number of years you were away in order to figure out your true age. Junior is 55, but he was in jail for 11 years which makes him 44 (and not 46, like he thinks).
It might be Junior’s birthday, but Renee’s not giving him a completely free pass, she’s noticed that he’s been calling his ex-girlfriend, so she pesters him to see if the girlfriend sent him a birthday text, and he denies it. (Little does he know, Renee and the rest of us all know your phone’s password, Junior!) Carla and Drita give Renee a call and she vents to them that she knows something is up.
“Going away to the Poconos should help me get rid of some of my stress,” Renee says. SHOULD being the key word. “I’m so excited to get out there and maybe see a bear or a deer. I like all that sh*t,” Carla says when they arrive at the house in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by God knows what kind of murderers in the woods.
For a weekend away, Renee has packed all her furs
and Ramona has packed her entire Louis Vuitton luggage set, including a garment bag. (what Poconos-appropriate gear requires a garment bag? I’ll never know.)
Once they settle in and deal with Ramona making fun of everything in the house and Renee freaking out over being murdered in the woods, Karen sizes up the weekend thusly: “My God, this is going to be some f—ing trip.”
Over in Staten Island, Drita and Big Ang are hanging out at the Drunken Monkey discussing Drita’s beef with Ramona, which still makes her blood boil.
And partly because of that, Drita has decided to go to anger management. “I think she should give it a shot because people are getting hurt here!” Big Ang says, throwing full support behind the idea.
Drita has never been to therapy of any kind before because, she explains, in an Albanian household, there is no such thing. There’s also no divorce, and the dentist is a pair of pliers. Heh. Heh? So when she’s at the doctor, she tells him stories of things from her past that have set her off.
A couple of bullies that she pummeled because they taunted a student in a wheelchair in high school. Renee’s party where she took on Karen and Ramona. He tells her to work on walking away. Hopefully he has more advice for her because we all could have told her that for free.
The (some f—ing) trip in the woods is shaping up to be dramatic. The ladies are settling in for some dinner and so far the crazy living-in-the-woods killers are at bay, but things are about to get real.
Renee says she’s not planning to take her anti-depressants all weekend, and that, coupled with the devil water (a.k.a. vodka) she’s pounding equals Renee going off about Junior’s ex-girlfriend that she repeatedly threatens to stab in the neck with her barber scissors. The ex keeps trying to contact Junior and Renee’s not about to back down. I get that Renee is riled up about it, but it’s not making for a very relaxing vacation. Ramona looks ready to zip herself into her Louis V garment bag to get away.
“It’s time I confront Ramona about what she said, Junior marrying me for my father,” Renee says, and everyone ever is like “Now?” After all the vodka and heated conversation and with all the murderers lurking literally right outside the house offering no escape to anyone, this just seems like a terrible idea. Ramona denies ever saying anything ill regarding Junior, so Renee fishes out her phone and drunk dials him, screaming his name “JUNIAH! JUNIAH!”
(“Yeeesh, enough with the screaming, let’s find another house,” said all the murderers outside.) and Ramona swears on her kids and her grandfather that whatever Drita has said that she said is a total lie. “I know that if Ramona is swearing on her family, then whatever she says has to be true,” Renee says. Orrrr…. she can be lying about the swearing…I don’t really know how any of this swearing on your family stuff works.
“Renee’s mad at Ramona first and then in a blink of an eye, it’s about Drita again,” Carla says, her premonition coming true that this weekend would become a sh*t-on-Drita fest. “You picked the wrong team” Renee tells Carla, and she relentlessly picks on Carla and screams at her for being friends with Drita. Who, if you’ll recall, like a day ago she spoke to on the phone and said “I love you” to. So I mean, Renee was totally friends with Drita too up until thirty seconds ago, but kids, this is the effect that devil water has on people, so stay in school and off the sauce.
Once all the fighting (with each other) is out of their systems, the four ladies head into town to a bar called Shenanigans, and once again, per usual, things don’t stay drama-free for long. It starts off fun enough, with Carla handing out fake teeth so they can fit in in town.
But when they’re at Shenanigans, some real shenanigans start to go down when a bar patron starts flirting with Karen, but Renee, drama queen that she is, butts in and he starts antagonizing her. What started off fun and flirty turned awkward when he starts telling the women he only has one nut (a squirrel ran away with the other one) and that he’s good in bed, which Renee finds offensive. And then. Oh, and then. He starts talking about all of their mothers. Oh. No. He. Didn’t.
This guy should watch more basic cable because he has no idea who he’s dealing with.
Security drags him out and the rest of the women in the bar actually cheer, but it’s not the end for Renee. The other three are content to resume their evening right where they left off, but Renee takes off in a huff and makes a call. The murderers in town know she’s coming and disperse as soon as they hear the rally cry “JUNIAHHH!!!!”