At least Tami got a souvenir from the big fight?
“This is a hot-ass f—ing mess,” Tami says as the Jennifer-Evelyn-Nia fight plays out. After Nia slapped Jennifer and Evelyn leaped over the table, they both had to be restrained, but the fight didn’t end there. The women continued to scream at each other, but it got worse when Jennifer told Nia “I guess I can’t sue you ’cause you ain’t got nothing,” and that’s when Evelyn grabbed a centerpiece and trying as hard as she could to decapitate Jen with it.
“I don’t see anything else other than Jennifer being my target and me trying to rip her f—ing head off,” Ev says.
Jennifer walks out with Kesha, still stunned, and virtually silent. Evelyn, Nia, and the rest of the group are more emotional.
For Evelyn, none of this has to do with house keys or even a blog post, it’s about who Jennifer appears to have become, a person that thinks she’s better than everyone else, and it brings her to tears. “How is that okay? You’re not better than nobody,” Evelyn says. Which is true, no one is better than anyone else. But if I’m going to be a lawyer about this, why does Evelyn give herself “more authority” than Jen here, who died and made her sheriff?
“It went from like ho-hum Kumbaya to all hell in thirty seconds,” Shaunie says, but I don’t recall a moment when this was ever ho-hum Kumbaya. Tami blames Jen for what happened though, saying “Things would have gone differently if Jen had just kept it cute. Don’t ignite the flames,” as in, when someone threatens to slap you, don’t reply “I wish you would.” But after Jen’s comments about Nia having nothing and being a bum who lives in a two-bedroom apartment, Tami sounds like she’s soured on Jen too for the moment. “Now y’all see who the real Jennifer is,” Nia says.
“She asked to be smacked, so I smacked her,” Nia says, to a hilarious chorus of “YES, YOU DID”‘s from Shaunie and Tami.
Over at Team Jennifer, Kesha and Suzie try to comfort her because she’s still shaken, but the tone is too somber for anything they say to sink in, so Suzie sums it up, saying “This is depressing.” That it is.
Jennifer meets up with Kenya to tell her what happened and says that yes, she did get hit, but since she’s not a fighter and she’s never been in a fight in her life, she’s not about to get physical.
On top of that, she’s a “spokesmodel” (hello, Star Search) for Lucid, so even though she uses the word “spokemodel,” she has a point that she needs her face to endorse her business. “For me, I don’t fight with my hands. I do what the white people do, okay?” she tells Kenya, suggesting she fights with the law. (And as we know know, that’s exactly the route she’s taking.) When Evelyn and Tami find out Jen filed a police report, Tami calls it “The most ridiculous, bitch-ass thing anybody could ever do.” Where Tami’s from, “you take your ass-whoopin’ and you keep it moving.” Yes, but Tami, are the people where you come from spokesmodels?
Tami is not just a referee for these fights this season, she’s also cleaning up the crime scenes. After the fight is all said and done, she shows off the souvenir she took from the racetrack – Jennifer’s earring which flew off after she was hit.
Royce, who has been blissfully fight-free this season (I feel like we need one of those factory signs like “Royce has gone 125 days without
an accident a fight!”), is getting filled in by Kesha on the racetrack incident, but they both worry that one of these days one of the bottles/centerpieces that Evelyn attempts to use as a weapon will actually connect with a person and land her in jail.
Kesha, like the rest of the world, is most concerned with what would happen to Evelyn if there was no Tami, no security guards around, no barrier between herself and the people she’s taking aim at like Jen or Kenya. “What’s it going to take for Evelyn to realize she could hurt somebody?” she asks. Maybe the best part of this conversation is the flashback to the completely confused, bewildered look on Kesha’s face as the fight is replayed.
“I think Kesha thinks I’m f—ing nuts,” Evelyn says when they get together. “But, b*tch, why do you care? I’m not being crazy with you, You’re actually on my side right now. So shh!” Kesha told Evelyn she was worried for her because of her recent outbursts and Evelyn acknowledges that yeah, if anything went down differently, she could be in jail right now, but she’s not really interested in discussing those hypotheticals. Luckily Suzie is there to bust up this conversation in order to give Evelyn her birthday gift, a vibrator that has thirteen speeds and offers four hours of pleasure. Suzie hopes it will be the stress-reliever Evelyn needs to clear her mind and stop the violence.
It should also be pointed out that Suzie, who always plays peacemaker as often as she can, seems to have finally learned that she should never, ever try to reunite Jen and Evelyn.
Suzie, Royce, and Kesha choose to clear their minds with skeeball and buffalo tenders when they go out to Dave And Busters for an afternoon of fun introductions to Dezmon. Royce’s man has been under wraps until now, but when everyone meets him, they love his. Suzie is smitten because he’s a tall glass of chocolate milk or something to that effect, Kesha loves him because he can do backflips. Suzie says she’s never seen Royce so at peace, and it’s true and truly adorable.
Jennifer and Kenya meet up to take a boxing class because Jennifer realized it’d probably be worth it to have a few self-defense moves in her back pocket in case someone else slaps her or throws a drink at her any time soon. Kenya’s just there to perfect her moves, because she says she has a very bad temper and “if I do fight someone, I can hurt them,” she says. “I definitely can.”
Last but not least, it’s Evelyn’s birthday! Unfortunately, Shaunie and Tami can’t attend, although they go to the mani-pedi portion, which is always the best part of any party, really. The entire party is basically full of surprises and Evelyn has no idea what to expect.
First, her friend Courtney takes her to a house that’s filled with Ev’s daughter and her best friends, who are all dressed fro their one woman Broadway revue.
Then a pole-dancing group comes out and shows off their moves, which has Noe in complete shock.
But it’s not as shocking as the moment that Suzie busts out her own secret moves. (Are we surprised by this special skill? When you think about it, isn’t a pole really just an oversized pepper mill?)
But the last gift is the biggest and best of all. Chad has given Evelyn a white Maserati, which she’s presented with in the driveway to her complete surprise. She freaks out.
Unlike Shaunie’s party, this one was drama-free, full of true friends, and it ended with a group hug.